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Original poster

Is my new guy autistic?

25 replies

YelenaSabra · 24/10/2018 14:56

Hi all

I've been seeing a new guy now for about 5 months. I'm starting to wonder if he might be on the autistic spectrum. Some of his behaviours 'ping' to me and I want to better understand him. He has told me that his friend once quizzed him and he scored as being autistic but on the lower end of the spectrum but he's never had an official diagnosis.

I know that autism is a very broad spectrum but does anyone with any experience of the condition know if these traits are linked to autism?

Tendency to info dump - he can literally go on a long monologue about a topic, especially wild flowers or history (areas of interest to him.
As above, specialised interest in wild flowers and history.
Is basically 'automatically good' at anything he tries. Learns very quickly through watching.
Admitted he finds it hard to read people and emotions.
Likes direct people as he can't always follow what they mean.
Sometimes says things that are inappropriate, though not cruel.
Talks loudly. No indoor voice.
Gets 'in his head' especially during intimacy.
Can be black and white i.e. if you tell him something bothers you, literally stops doing it completely - no argument at all.

These are all I can think of for now, but really curious what you MN ladies and gents think :)

OP posts:

Anythingforacatslife · 24/10/2018 14:57

Sounds like he could be, but curious as to why it matters?

FissionChips · 24/10/2018 14:59

Could just be his personality.

What does it matter?

HollowTalk · 24/10/2018 14:59

Do you want to listen to someone talking about flowers all the time?

Original poster

YelenaSabra · 24/10/2018 15:05

It doesn't matter to me at all. I really like him. If anything I just want to better understand him, and have him better understand me. For instance I've never heard someone talk about flowers for as long as he does and if the reason for that is the autistic compulsion to info dump, I want to handle it more delicately. He's an absolutely wonderful person, these traits make him more unique, but I'm curious if these would be considered autistic traits or not.

OP posts:

CandyCreeper · 24/10/2018 15:06

i hate these threads,
seems to pop up alot asking people to guess if their new man is autistic. 🙄

FissionChips · 24/10/2018 15:10

He would need to be assessed. They could be traits of lots of things or nothing.

dirtybadger · 24/10/2018 15:14

If a doctor hasn't told him he is, then we can't say he is either.

Everything you've listed could be his personality. As it doesn't matter at this time I wouldn't worry about it too much.

I score highly on the screening tool for ASD. I don't have ASD. Part of being a screening tool is that it gives a lot of false "positives".

Advise he sees his GP if he is concerned about anything.

Original poster

YelenaSabra · 24/10/2018 15:17

Thanks for your reply.

I understand that no-one can say for sure without a diagnosis, but more curious if these traits are generally linked to autism (I thought info-dumping was.) I don't think he personally has any concerns. I've just never met anyone like him and am quite fascinated. He's very direct and 'does what he says' which is incredibly refreshing, very earnest.

At the same time, there is an aloofness to him that can be mildly maddening at times!

OP posts:

Original poster

YelenaSabra · 24/10/2018 15:19

Also, apparently a few of his friends have queried with him if he might be autistic and if a few of us have thought it, it makes me wonder if he may be, but was simply never diagnosed.

OP posts:

ComtesseDeSpair · 24/10/2018 15:25

“Info dumping” can be just as much the sign of somebody who likes the sound of their own voice and is used to those around them - and usually women - indulging this as it is an autistic trait. A lot of men have a tendency to do if if they can get away with it. Personally it bores me to tears and I’d tell him to cool it, regardless of whether it was associated with autism or not.

A diagnosis just gives terminology to behaviours, really. If his behaviour bothers you, it will still bother you even if he is autistic. If it doesn’t, then do you need an explanation for it?

Original poster

YelenaSabra · 24/10/2018 15:32

Very interesting response and thank you for your perspective. I think you've hit the nail on the head there that perhaps it's about trying to find a terminology/explanation for behaviours I can't quite get my head around. He has told me to simply tell him to stop it if he bangs on about something, but I'm a passive, people-pleaser and struggle with that.

Interesting that you say many men do this....slightly eye opening for me.

OP posts:

LittleMissMarker · 24/10/2018 15:33

if the reason for that is the autistic compulsion to info dump, I want to handle it more delicately

Why would you feel the need to handle it more delicately? If he has autism then the answer might be less delicacy and more bluntness. In fact he has already told you he needs people to be direct, you could believe him.

I just want ... have him better understand me.

So, just five months in, he needs a diagnosis so you can understand each other better? It's up to you but I'd move on.

Take autism out of the equation and ask yourself how much you really enjoy his wonderfulness and how much his less wonderful qualities are starting to grate on you. If you still enjoyed his lectures on wildflowers then you wouldn't be wondering if it's an autistic compulsion, you'd just be delightedly waiting for the next one. But it sounds as if you feel unable to interject or change then subject and this is starting to grate.

Him having autism wont make him any more or less irritating.

Original poster

YelenaSabra · 24/10/2018 15:36

Thanks for the post. I have no desire to move on, at least not yet. He has many wonderful traits and we talk about many other things beyond wildflowers. These were just examples of behaviours that pinged my autism bell.

I am happy to continue getting to know him. It's too early to pull the plug when we are still in the getting to know you stage.

OP posts:

Branleuse · 24/10/2018 15:42

He might be. Its not massively rare. He sounds interesting

Original poster

YelenaSabra · 24/10/2018 15:50

Yes, he is. He's very intelligent, funny and witty. Definitely one of a kind. I'm happy to spend more time getting to know him and seeing if we're compatible.

OP posts:

dirtybadger · 24/10/2018 17:17

One of my friends info dumps and speaks very loudly. Their dad and 3 out of their 4 brothers have ASD diagnosed. He doesn't. But.....

He can literally talk for several hours without input about his interests (banal to most people). At shouting volume. But I know loads of people who info dump more lightly and wouldn't consider they might have ASD tbh

MemoryOfSleep · 24/10/2018 18:03

Everyone is on the spectrum somewhere. It's only generally noted when it causes problems with day to day functioning. As it doesn't here, consider him fine.

Ballroom · 24/10/2018 18:07

What's 'gets in his head?

FissionChips · 24/10/2018 18:14

Everyone is on the spectrum somewhere

Not true at all.

LittleMissMarker · 24/10/2018 18:18

It's too early to pull the plug when we are still in the getting to know you stage.

That's exactly what the getting-to-know-you stage is for. It's the time when it's easiest to pull the plug. Of course you don't want to move on (or you would have done so) but you are 5 months into the relationship and while he may be fascinating you are already looking for explanations and ways to understand each other that include a serious long-term diagnosis. I am sure he is a delightful man in many ways but he is also maddeningly aloof etc, and that's not a hopeful sign for your compatibility.

The risk of leaving it til after the getting-to-know-you stage is that you may feel you have left it too late to leave, because you've committed too much time and energy to each other already, you are mutually dependent and have made plans that are hard to back away from. Especially if you are a people pleaser, you already struggle to be assertive with him even though he's told you to be.

You've been getting to know him for 5 months and the signs are not that good. Him having autism or not doesn't change anything. So for you own sake the question you need to ask yourself is, what more information do you really need about him, and how much longer do you really need to get to know him, before you can make a sensible decision about continuing the relationship?

BlankTimes · 24/10/2018 18:26

Everyone is on the spectrum somewhere

Total Rubbish.

@ MemoryOfSleep daily life is difficult enough for genuinely autistic people without people spouting misinformation as though it's fact. Please stop it.

Some other rubbish you often see on threads like these.
No empathy
Can't make eye contact
Autistic people all do xxxx - wrong because if you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism.

PhilODox · 24/10/2018 20:06

Maybe he's just really intelligent, and knowledgeable, so he talks about things as they come up because he has a natural interest in anything and everything?

Original poster

YelenaSabra · 25/10/2018 15:05

So for example, one time when we were intimate, I asked him a naughty question during. He stopped, really freaked out and left the room. He came back apologising but said that my question put him in his head and he needed to calm down. He then said that had never happened to him before, but then being asked a question made him lose the moment.

OP posts:

Original poster

YelenaSabra · 25/10/2018 15:06

Sorry the above reply was for ballroom

OP posts:

Daftasabroom · 25/10/2018 16:10

Yelena, he sounds like he may well have some traits. Being ASC or not does matter as it effects the way the brain works, particularly with respect to interpreting the World around them. Understanding the differences is important as it effects communication which of course is fundamental to all relationships.

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