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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

indifference and exuses

10 replies

lancarra · 16/06/2007 12:40

Very p**d off, my dh is seeing his other 3 staying in b&b he promised a compromise said he would leave 1st thing, basically he hasn't left yet and won't be home till evening after I have dealt with 4 children.
I furious because I think he intended this all along I don't mind him seeing his kids but this is 3rd dirupted weekend and I do all baby care 24/7 (9 wks) and he is also about to get a work contract where he will be away all week for months.
He refuses to discuss, can't see why I get cross and just says 'i do my best'.I think I want to separate because I don't think there will be a huge difference. He does help when he is here but I don't feel he cares for me emotionally if you know what I mean. Just wanted to complain really!

OP posts:

Carmenere · 16/06/2007 13:05

Sorry Lancarra, your first sentence doesn't make sense.

Original poster

lancarra · 16/06/2007 13:13

He went down on fri stayed near where they live in a b&m and said he would leave to come home early this morning. He was originally going to stay tonight (sat)as well but I wasn't happy about that so he said he would leave early except he hasn't and I think he never intended to iyswim.

OP posts:

Surfermum · 16/06/2007 13:18

I'd be p'd off too if my dh were saying one thing and meaning/doing another. And looking after 4 children 24/7 must be exhausting.

However, things are bound to be emotive when you're talking about someone's children and whether they see them or not. It's a big thing to ask someone not to see their children when they don't live with them.

Are your 4 his children?

Original poster

lancarra · 16/06/2007 13:26

My eldest son is from previous marriage but never sees his father other 3 are his.
I don't mind him seeing them but I don't like the deceit and then the attitude when I say something, he is not agressive more of an avoidance type so that pushes me into goading to get some kind of feedback I have said I want to separate and I get that 'here she goes again' attitude'.
He does not appreciate the effort involed in looking after a 9wk old plus others and chooses not to think about it.

OP posts:

Surfermum · 16/06/2007 13:33

Ah, ok you have a 9 week old. So you're probably up in the night a lot and not getting much sleep. I think I'd probably want him around at weekends too to help, or let me catch up on sleep. Of course he has to see his children, but like you say, it's the deceit that isn't on, and maybe just for the moment you and the baby have to take a little bit of priority. It's a juggling act for him I guess as he won't want his other children feeling pushed out either.

Have you tried just talking to him without trying to goad him. Does that ever get a better response?

tigermoth · 16/06/2007 13:33

Lancarra, isn't your dh looking after three children himself? so he's mot haveing a child free, relaxing time when he is away from you. I don't know the ages of all the children or how easy each of them are, but he could be having a hellish time with his three as well.

I do appreciate you haave a tiny baby on top of everything else, though. And it's extremely annoying to be consistently lied to about plans. It sounds like you've both got to change how your weekends are organised.

Original poster

lancarra · 16/06/2007 13:37

His eldest is 18 and works with him and other 2 are 15 and 12 so not hard work really and they have just stayed a week here, I just feel he has priorities wrong when this baby is so young.

OP posts:

obimomkanobi · 16/06/2007 15:44

I'm afraid though that his teenage children will need him a hell of a lot more than a baby will at the moment. I assume you knew that he had children before you got with him and kids together? I'm afraid you are just going to have to suck it up.

Original poster

lancarra · 16/06/2007 17:42

Its not so much that he's with his kids but I have had to cancel plans I had today because he is not here . He just does what he wants without thinking and not letting me know it was only when I rang him at 12 I get to find out he hasn't left and won't be back.

OP posts:

elkiedee · 16/06/2007 17:54

Perhaps he's also making promises to his other kids that he can't keep at the same time as his promises to you, not an excuse, he sounds like the sort of person who might be doing that. I think some of the other comments here are a little harsh on you, don't know what to suggest, but perhaps you could tell him how hurtful saying one thing and doing something else is. Has this been an issue since before your latest was born?

Let us know what unfolds from here.

If you have time for mumsnet between dealing with 4 dcs including newborn, come and talk on the postnatal threads - my baby was actually born in May but was rather late so I'm on the April 2007 thread following on from the antenatal group for those of us expecting then. I'll look out for you there, if you want to talk further....

Take care

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