Realised that I am married to a misogynist!

[Doolittle3]

Well - had a complete barney on way to my eldest daughters school show/assembly today... I actually think that my DP is living in a parralell universe without any grip on family reality...

During the heated argument which escalated into him saying that I wasn't organised, didnt have my shit together and that wasnt his job to organise the kids....to which I responded well if you think I am doing such a shit job, jog on on or get stuck in if you see I am under pressure to get 3 Kids out the door in time so we can go as a family to watch my daughters show... then pointed out that he still wasnt out of bed by time I got back home at 7.40, by which time I had got my eldest ready for school and to the bus and made sure she had all show stuff, walked the dog, breakfasted the kids and was in process of dressing our twin boy whilst he was bemoaning fact the one toddler hadnt Her shoes on, . He then replies that not his job, his job is to "work".. then escalated into me telling Me that we can role reverse if you wish and you go out and provide for the family... I told him careful what he wishes for (I used to be the high earner and primary carer of DD and house...)

Anyway it ended up me calling him a misogynistic B. that clearly he didnt value the contribution or impact that I make to the family and undervalue the role - perhaps I should swan off for a week Or 2 so he could get a taste of what my life Is like (I have to add that my DP works in england - has done for 2 years and now travels every 2 weeks to spend a week working from home)... prior to that he came home every 5 to 6 weeks for 2 nights... I have a DD 8yr old and 2 y twins... we Have no family close by so I am totally flying solo... Just feel he criticises everything I do with kids, house etc.. He doesn't make an effort to make time for us or even me time - so can't get hair done or skip out for an afternoon by myself. yet he has the freedom lie in at weekends, to do what ever when he is away and even then he gets holidays away with the lads or to visit his family... I recently asked if could meet up for weekedn with college pals and he said sorry wont be home... yet he can zip Off without any consultation or go out for dinner with friends.. I have not been out with friends since high tea in March... even then he asjked me how long I would be...He said today it was my choice to have a dog and 3 kids, and basically was made my bed so lie in it....

I am also peeved as discovered recently that he had gone out for 10 hr night out with former female colleague.. but lied and said that he was out in a group ( he doesnt realise that I know - kids found a glam photo of the 2 out). and I traced it back to a converstaion on his phone.. I am pissed about this and then realise he was going out to movies and dinner with another former colleague...).. Yet he didnt acknowldege our 14 yr anniverary the week after his bender...other than a peck.. seems he cant be arsed... and I am starting to get into the same mode of why should I be arsed making an effort with him....

I just feel totally confused how on earth I can have been with somebody for 27 yrs and only now realise what a selfish, misogynst he is and clearly he totally undervalues my contribution to the family... not sure if things continue way are that can sustain the marriage.... told him he is living in a parralell universe with no grip on real family life...urgh!!!!!

So what can you do to change things if he won’t?
He’s got it all.
Works away, time out when he wants, little woman and kids at home....why would he want things to change. There’s nothing in it for him.

I have no idea why you are with this man.

This is not ok OP, he seems to be stuck in a time warp, I would be telling him that stuff needs to be a bit more equal and hence if he doesn’t take up the load a bit you will indeed be looking for a job

well this is it - I feel limited in what I can do differently to change as I have no support from him... I could go back to work however, this would put the family under extreme stress as I have no support here... and DD has learning difficulties so I want to ensure she has a mummy that is present in the moment and supportive to ensure she can succeed... If I went back to work to take back financial control I would still have to do all the other stuff to do.. Although I fear the way things are bubbling at the moment.. I may be back to work sooner tahn later as I will be a one inconme househould... I am starting in my head to think about what life would Be like.. which is dangerous... I find talking with DP candidly is difficult as he is a passive agressive person that just turns it all back on me and makes him seem like he has a shit existence.... I ask him today whether this shit existence of his includes swaning about and drinking with his lady friends down south... he didn't even blink....he retorted that is that I think that he just swans about - so evcen in his head he minimises the lifestyle he has....

Other than money what is your 'D'P actually bringing to your relationship and family life? If he's been able to live the good life for the last 27 years without needing to step up I doubt he will suddenly change and give you the support you need. I think you need to start getting your ducks in a row OP and look at how you can do this without him there. It sounds like you're already doing everything except bringing in a salary anyway.

What a life he has! He seems to have checked out and is treating you with contempt. You more or less live on your own and he doesn't seem to care. I would be wondering what else he gets up when he is away...which is most of the time.
He hasn't got a grip on family life because it isn't his life. He lives the life of a single man. He sounds arrogant and entitled and seems to enjoy putting you in your place.

He's got a nice existence whilst you manage everything else. He's lazy and entitled but you've enabled this by doing everything. Go back to work and tell him you want him to fully contribute on future

I'm not sure if he's a misogynist in general or if it's just you he doesn't respect. Based on your second to last paragraph I would lean toward the latter.

I agree that he seems unlikely to change, what even happened when you confronted his about his cosy night out with another woman?

Christ on a bike. I have two year old twins and if my husband ever dared to belittle the insane amount of work I have to do, he’d be out on his arse.

Hi OP. If you used to be the high earner, could you do so again? With live in help or nanny and a cleaner? I used to have a corporate career and husband who travelled a lot ;and slept in on weekends - had a Saturday morning baby sitter so I could go to the gym). It’s how I managed and my other female colleagues.

It may be the case of absolute power (control of funds) corrupts absolute. He feels he’s the boss so can do as he pleases as opposed to being your partner. Being an earner again voids his argument (and excuse)

Agree with PP. He's checked out. Doesn't like feeling guilty about you doing all the work re: kids.

God, I would leave him. Seriously. You're doing all the work as it is. At least if you leave him he has to take to kids for a portion of the week and you can actually get some me time.

How awful is it that that's the way you could look at it?

When was the last time you got to go on a night out btw?

He's a selfish prick who lies to you (withholding the truth still counts as lying) who needs a good fucking head wobble. Sort stuff out ready to go and say "If you don't sort your shit out, get a grip and help me, I will leave". I'm not a fan of ultimatums. Really not. But he needs a jolt here.

If you leave, you'd basically be doing the same shit everyday but he has to take the kids at the weekend on his own and look after them. Then see all his freedom slowly drift away... horrible fucker!

Totally right - I have enabled this behaviour - we had 1st child after about 19 yrs together and both had/have very highly pressurised careers (but both highly rewarded).. When I went back to work I was an MD of offsore oil & gas services company and still had to pick up slack with regards to child care, house and general running of life in general... Now I am not working for past 3 years, and seems that the stuff that irritated me and tolerated then is heightened because I have lost financial independence...

having twins and then having a journey with our DD learning which resulted in removing her to go to another school and the total stress to try and understand what was going on with her has totally tested my metal - DP essentially disagreed with every decision I made to try and make a better outcome for DD and ensure her health and well being... even now he throws it back in my face. Despite He only ever attended one meeting... The school we removed our DD from earlier this year had a very weak inspection report published and it essentially came out as weak and adequate quality levels last Month. I told him that didnt want to send twins to just an adequate nursery and primary school (you have satisfactory, good, v Good, excellent and outstanding above this).. and he totally lost the plot with me even when I told him that would send them to a funded playgroup instead... he is threatening to sell the house if decide to send them out of catchment etc... I am not sure what planet he is on as the only person inconvenienced is me by going 1.5 mile up the road rather than sending them to the local school which is round the corner..

anyway as you can sense - we seem to be in disagreement about everything..... not great is it... not sure how I resolve this as I do not like confrontation - Option is go back to work and give myself sense of independence but invite even more stress as nobody to help me as he is working away and Needs to be role that would pay the additional childcare and wrap around care ... other option is I ignore it and bide my time as maybe things will improve once kids bit older... other option is address it as not acceptable behaviour and suggest counselling which he will rebuff....other option is suggest formal seperation so can take time out to reflect when he is home for the week he works at home... none of them look appealing to be honest....

Last time I had a night out was in July with his family.. The last time I had any time with pals without kids was in march for a high tea....

I'm not sure why you have to make all the changes/effort. And what's the point in short separation as that's how you live anyway.
You seem to have lost the big picture and seem lost in the detail/fog. I'm sure he doesn't care which school dd goes to but is very interested in putting you and your decisions down. He seems to want to cause you problems to take your eye off the ball (his lovely life of entitlement)

With a career like that you have a strong hand to play. Could you go back part time at first? I always worked and did my dc's no harm whatsoever.

he's checked out of your relationship and as a parent.....and he's cheating on you - don't kid yourself it was just drinks.

may as well split up now and be an an official single parent, claim the financial help and maintenance you''ll be entitled to.
Maybe he'll want contact/access to his kids and be a parent, and you also get time to yourself.
If he doesn't then at least you and the kids don't have to tolerate his wankery.