Advice Needed - About To Start Long Distance Relationship

[chuppyson]

Hi All,

Thank you for taking the time to read this post. I would really appreciate all your thoughts on this based on your experiences or opinions.

Sorry if this is a long thread but it's chewing me up inside... I feel like this is the only place I can air my thoughts without being judged (Too harshly!)

I'm a 23 year old guy, my girlfriend is also 23. I'm from England, she's from Scotland. We've been together for 5 months. She's lived here for 1.5 years and has now finally decided she wants to go back home to Scotland, reasons being:

1. Financially - Can't justify paying over £1000 in rent and bills here when she could be saving money for her later life, mortgage, wants to go travelling etc.
2. Misses friends and family but is NOT homesick.
3. Was not fond of her current job here and it was making her unhappy.

She has stressed strongly that it has not been an easy decision for her to make since I have been in the picture, and if it wasn't for me she would of gone back a while ago. It didn't come out of the blue, we had talked about it for a few weeks leading up to her making her final decision.

I'm supporting her, I said if it makes her happy then im behind her but of course this is going to affect our relationship. I've never done a long distance relationship before, and we've both said we still want to be together and try make it work as we do love one another.

She said she wouldn't rule out coming back to England after shes got some money behind her and likewise I wouldn't rule out going back there. We both acknowledge that eventually one of us will have to jump ship and move.

We've said we will see each other once or twice a month if we can, its less than an hours flight. The deal is however, I'm very sensitive, emotionally needy and a big hopeless romantic! Shes quite the opposite. I think i'll struggle more than she will.

Based on the above, i'd really appreciate your thoughts from an outsiders perspective! Am I just holding onto something that will fizzle? Whenever anyone mentions "Long distance" peoples reactions are usually a shudder and shake of the head!

Thank you!!

I went to a wedding of a couple who did long distance London to Toronto for two years before moving in together, so it can work. Personally at 22 I had a very similar set up when my boyfriend of a year moved to Bristol to set up a company with his best friend. Unfortunately for me things fizzled out after a couple of months - he broke things off with me as he felt he needed to throw himself into life there to make the most of it. I was sad but understood the logic and we parted on OK terms, 7 years down the line I'm married to someone else and he still lives in Bristol and now has a lovely girlfriend there too by all accounts. We're not 'friends' as such but have stayed in touch via Twitter/Facebook, and if I saw him on the street I'd smile and say hello and things.

Like many things in life there's just no way of knowing how it's going to work out and 5 months isn't a long time, but go into it with an open mind and you never know.

One thing I would say is describing yourself as 'very sensitive and emotionally needy' is a bit of a concern - 5 months in at 23, things should still be fun and relatively light. I say this very gently as I was probably exactly the same at 23 but do think about your own worth and value as well as hers. You should be happy and confident in yourself, over-reliance on others for that often makes for unhappy relationships.

Thank you so much for your response. It's given me food for thought. Anyone elses opinions would be much appreciated.

I regret not being patient enough when in a ldr. Def had trust which is the most important thing imo. Just I wanted more right now not later!!
Biggest regret.

Good luck on your journey and all the best to you both.

Do you truly believe that she wants to carry on the relationship when she's gone, or do you think she could be letting you down gently?

Sorry if I'm wrong but surely if you're in a well established relationship and both blissfully happy, everything else would be less important?

Where in Scotland and where in England are you both from?

Forgot to say he was in Scotland and I was in England!!

At a similar age my bf at the time moved to the other side of the world. I followed later. I'm hindsight, the fact that he would have gone whether or not I'd have joined him meant that he didn't love me as much as I did him imo. We lasted another 5 years and then I broke it off. I still think that if you love someone, you don't willingly choose to live away from them unless there's a big reason to.

Having said that, at 23, I'd be advising her to do what's best for her.

When I first my ex husband I lived in East London he was in Cardiff. We saw each other as much as we could during that time, was at least 3 hours travelling by car and more by train/coach but we managed. This was pre facetime and texting etc as well so even more difficult.

I also went out with someone for 18 months who lived 5.5 hours drive away! So, yes, a long distance relationship is viable as long as it is what you both want and you're willing to work that bit harder to make it work.

I had a long distance relationship for 2 years before moving in together last year. Different continent, 6 hour time difference.

First things first - it's hard. Not to be negative but you need to go into it with your eyes open to the difficulties and be prepared to take them on.

Both of you need to be fully committed. If either of you isn't, it'll become obvious very quickly and that's where you'll need to make the hard decisions. But if you both want to make it work, one of the things you need to do is find ways to involve the other person in your day to day life.

In a normal relationship, your paths cross often - you'll do stuff together, whether it's big fun things or just small daily things. With a long distance relationship, you don't have that - your connection is reduced to the phone. So you need to set aside time to talk on the phone but also look for ways to relieve the pressure of only being able to talk.

One of the ways we found was to have "date nights". We'd cue up a movie on both of our respective screens and watch it together, so we could hear each other, comment and chat but there was something else happening when we didn't talk. That way, the occasional silence didn't mean losing contact with the other person or being awkward.

Also, if you want to reach out and get in touch, don't overthink it. Communication can get difficult sometimes and not having the easy back and forth that comes with physically being together means that you worry if you're bugging the other person, or you don't want to bother them with mundanities. Sometimes that can result in both people wanting to reach out but not feeling confident enough to do it. It's important not to let dead air build up for a lack of knowing what to say - even if it's just sending a heart or giving them an update without expecting them to reply immediately, it's a good thing to do.

The problem with a long distance relationship is that you don't have non-verbal communication in the same way, so misunderstandings are easy and real life (the life that your partner is separate from) can often get in the way. So you have to be brave and bold and put yourself out there. Be vulnerable, be open and share as much as you can. It's scary but if you both do this with love and empathy, then when you can finally be together, you'll have a stronger relationship than many couples who haven't had the same obstacles. It'll be a relationship you both worked hard for and neither of you gave up on, which will make you both more secure, more valued and in turn, value the relationship more than one which was easy.

Hope this helps and good luck :)

I would say just end it now. It's only been 5 months and you both are still very young. Long distance is like suspending your life.

There really wasn't much of a reason for her to leave.

If it's meant to be, you'll meet up later on.

Given your ages it’s unlikely to work out, but worth a try!

It’s fair enough if she’d prefer to live elsewhere and you wish to stay where you are.

Suggest whatever happens with this relationship you work on being less “emotionally needy” and “sensitive” if that affects your behaviour with your girlfriend.

I did an East London-Cardiff relationship too. It did gradually fizzle out a few months after moving and we had been together a long time.

A long distance relationship can be lovely as you make the most of weekends but the Sunday night travelling back is horrible.