My boyfriend won't have sex with me

[JTK90]

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 10 months. We live together and he's a brilliant step dad to my 6 year old son. Recently, sex has been becoming less and less. I've asked him about it a few times but he's just shrugged it off and I've just put it down to stresses of daily life etc. We talked the other night and he said his Sex drive "isn't there anymore" which really hurt me. I now feel as though he isn't sexually attracted to me anymore and that we're more like best friends. Surely we should t be at this point so soon in our relationship?

10 months? Step dad?? Righto.

You don’t have a boyfriend. You have a freeloading lodger.
Next time don’t move a new bf in quite so quickly.

10 months and he's moved in and your calling him step dad?

You can’t really call someone you have been seeing for 10 months a stepdad. Or even a best friend for that:

Yeah 10 months is really quick to move in. Also to not want sex anymore. Ltb

You’re right about the sex though. It wouldn’t be so bad if he was getting help for it. Maybe he is seeing someone else?

I’d explore this a bit more then split up if you don’t get any further.

some people can do without sex, some can’t. You have to decide where you stand on it.
And I’m saying this really gently, but are you sure his intentions to your child are all good?
Hope it all comes good op.

What everyone else said.

If he didn't live with you, this would be a normal time to be discovering you're not actually compatible (re sex) And to gently break things off. It might feel more complicated because he's moved in and met your son, but it doesn't have to be. If you do break up then having to explain to your son may serve as a reminder to move a low slower next time.

10 months and being step dad is WAY too soon.

If you hadn’t moved him in this would show up as a natural breakdown in your relationship and you’d be off- or he would be. The moving in bit so early has screwed it up because you’re feeling pressure to make it work.

Chuck him out and next time don’t move anyone in so quickly!

7 posts before someone suggests he might be a paedo

It is soon OP to not be wanting to have a lot of sex but then looks like the whole relationship has moved very fast. Maybe it's the stress of that and his new responsibilities. Maybe something else going on in his life but if you're not happy you need to talk about it and come to some resolution, otherwise if you are content with little or no sex then you'll probably rub along fine together, unless of course he's cheating and that's the reason.

I'd chat with him and ask how his sex life has been in previous relationships, whether it's normal for his sex drive to tail off and if it's caused issues in relationships before.

To those slagging OP for calling him step dad, yeah perhaps he has moved in quickly but it's just an easy way of describing the role he's taken.

If his sex drive isn’t there after ten months I don’t give the relationship much hope. He’s been honest and I’d take what he said at face value ie he doesn’t want sex.

You are not compatible.
This would be a deal-breaker for me.
10 months in and I assume you are quite young.
This won't get any better.
He either doesn't need sex. Or he's getting it elsewhere. Or he's wanking to porn all the time and then doesn't need you.
Any of these are good enough reasons to kick him to the curb.
What does he bring to the relationship?
I'm sure you have other friends.
You don't need another one, living with you, messing the place up and causing you more washing, cooking, etc......
This has run it's course.
And as others have said, please do NOT move someone in with your DC so soon after meeting them.

Jesus, that escalated quickly (the thread I mean).

My DP does not have a particularly high sex drive, and I think if I wasn’t around he’d quite happily go without for, if not the rest of his life then for a fair portion of it. He is not cheating, wanking obsessively to porn nor a paedo. People can have different sex drives without it meaning something terribly sinister.

I know it’s awkward to talk about and one or both of you can get defensive, but I refuse to be a silent martyr so I’ll always speak up if I’m not happy or something isn’t working. I had lots of conversations like ‘I understand you don’t have much of a sex drive and don’t feel you particularly need regular sex, but I do and I’m in this relationship too so how do you suggest we sort this out?’ In fairness to him he did recognise it’s not okto just be like ‘well I’m not that bothered about sex so tough’ and actually we do pretty ok these days

Any number of things could be going on, this could be a sign you’re not compatible long term, he could be up to no good, or once the newness of a relationship dies down he could just have a much lower sex drive, or it could be temporary due to illness/stress/adjusting to the change in status and new responsibilities of being in a step family (yes possibly all happened a bit quickly but I’m not sure how helpful everyone banging on about that is now!). The key will be in whether he is prepared to talk about it and work on it with you.

Have you known him much much much much longer than 10 months?

I can't imagine moving someone in that quick unless you already knew them.

It seems to have got really intesnse really quickly! I'm affraid such relationships often fizzle out as quickly as they started.

You say you live together. Did he move in with you or vice versa, or did you get a place together?

It really depends what the rest of the relationship is like and how much the sex aspect bothers you. It wouldn’t bother me but then I am 56 And haven’t really had more than 8 weeks on my own since I was 15 . It may well be that he just isn’t that bothered, but I have to be honest and say if he is under 40 Then I haven’t ever known a guy who wasn’t bothered, it’s always been me, but looking at posts on here it seems quite a lot of women have this issue. Are you sure he hasn’t got a chronic porn habit??

10 months and his already playing daddy, why do people do this to dc?

It’s been 10 months so maybe his just gone off you? Or maybe playing step dad so soon has killed the shagging?

A big fat NO to all of this

Ridiculous

The thing is all this ‘all men want sex all the time and if they don’t its because they’re cheating or porn addicts’ is

A) absolute horseshit - in addition to myself I know at least 3 other female friends whose male partners have lower sex drives than them, but are in otherwise very happy relationships. Plus stress, illness, medication and a myriad of other factors can affect sex drive temporarily or longer term for both men and women

B) Really fucking horrible to hear and reenforcing the insecurity OP has already voiced, that she’s not sexually attractive to her partner anymore. You’re basically saying ‘yeah all men are all about sex so if your partner isn’t constantly trying to get in your knickers it’s because he doesn’t fancy you/ you’re not sexy somehow. It MAY BE that he’s lost interest, it my be that he’s cheating, it may be that he’s a porn obsessed chronic mastubator, but it’s also EQUALLY LIKELY that his sex drive has dipped for hormonal/stress or whatever other reason, or that it was never really that high to begin with. It is in that case perfectly possible that OP, given that she loved her partner and saw enough good in him to move in with him and her son, that this is an aspect of their relationship that they can work on together with honesty, understanding and love on both sides.

And yeah, it’s maybe a bit quick to move in and do the step parent thing after 10 months, but that’s not what the OP was asking about.

Thank you to those people genuinely trying to offer advice and not insinuating that my boyfriend is a paedo and I'm some daft young girl who has introduced my child to any old Tom Dick and Harry. I have known him a lot longer than 10 months and the term "step dad" was obviously the wrong term to use here. My son doesn't call him Dad, but he is an excellent role model to my son. We have only recently moved in together, which was a natural progression and felt right for all 3 of us so please don't judge on what you think is "the right thing to do"...This was the right thing for US!
I now feel even worse about myself, so thank you for that! I guess I will dump my "cheating, serial porn abuser, paedo of a boyfriend" ...

Just give it time. He is probably worn out! Men can be sensitive souls too you know, they're not machines. Be gentle, no pressure, appreciate everything else he does and see how it goes. Things may improve. Living with a ten month old is quite stressful!

Ignore Rebecca36 ...not only does is she/he a consistent male apologist, she hasn't even read the OP properly!

Either way - you do need to do a lot of talking to your partner.

I am going to assume you didn’t spend every day together before he moved in therefore you haven’t always had sex every day. You can’t expect it 24/7 now you live together as a result.

Before I moved in with my DP I’d say we had sex 4-5 times a week spread across the three days we spent together. I pre-warned him that amount likely wouldn’t increase when we moved in together and it hasn’t, it just isn’t rammed into three days anymore.

Moving in is a big step and people seemingly underestimate this. You are just learning about who he is and what his personal habits are. It might not be incompatible sex drives but rather, you’re not ready to live together yet.

Living with a ten month old is quite stressful!

Yeah it is, but they don’t live with a 10 month old.

OP please don't feel bad about yourself. There's any number of reasons it might have happened and I would give it a chance to get better, and talk to him about it.

My husband loses interest when he's got a lot on, like when we were doing up our house and he was coming home from a days work and putting another 3/4 hours of DIY in. He was that shattered and his head was so full of what needed doing, he wasn't even interested on his days off.

Can't believe someone suggested he was a paedo, that's ridiculous and the fact someone said it, however 'gently', is beyond belief.

Fact is, there's any number of reasons it might have happened but it's very unlikely it's anything to do with you. I've been there, feeling like it's me and he doesn't find me attractive anymore, or worse, that I'm actually not attractive anymore, full stop and it's really important that you talk to him to get to the bottom of it. If it is just that he doesn't have a very high sex drive then you'll need to think about how you feel about that long term and be open and honest with him. It might me that you decide you can't be with him but sounds like it's happened too recently to make that decision now. If you want to give it chance, then you need to do that otherwise you'll be left wondering what would have happened if you had.

As for 'consistent male apologist, wtf? How about just having empathy in general and not jumping to the worst conclusions and immediately crying 'LTB!'