Is it over? Please help.

[mrstandmummyisme]

My DH and I have been together for over 5 years. Married for almost 2 and have a 9 month old. We have also relocated to the other side of the world in that time.
Our relationship started rocky with me having issues wth anxiety/confidence and really having faith in myself. Support from DH has meant I’ve worked really hard to realise my worth and ‘get better’. Counselling, meds, change in thought process, CBT, I’ve made it my mission to understand what’s wrong and really work on being the best version of me. It’s been a common theme in my life that I lack confidence.
It meant that sex was somewhat lacking pretty quickly after we moved in together but we would make the effort at least once a fortnight.. until a while before we got engaged and then it kind of vanished.
We relocated... got married... little to no sex life but he’s my best friend.
We got pregnant straight away - first attempt - then sex went away again. My DD is now 9 months old and it’s happened once in that time.
This whole thing has been the basis of almost all of our arguements and continues to hugely upset me. I don’t know if it’s just me? My mental health? My appearance? He told me for the first time a while ago that we just never found our groove.

I gave up my career to have a baby and stay home as we agreed and I know that’s a luxury but I feel like the housekeeper. We share a bed but get up and go to bed at different times. I take care of the house, meals, clothes, baby all for him. I just feel like he is checking off the boxes of what you should have in life and I’m here because I’m his friend and never left.

Is this marriage a joke? We go on holiday next week for the first time in years. He’s told me it’s a fresh start but what happens if it’s the same? Or great and then awful again when I get home? Is it all my fault?

When you say it hugely upsets you does that mean that you’re the one wanting and asking for more sex and he’s unwilling/less interested or the other way round? Or is it that you both get immersed in your respective day to day lives and neither of you make the effort?

It’s hard to advise without knowing that really but what I can tell you is that it can usually be fixed, providing both of you want to. We’ve gone from 3 years with nothing at our worst to something resembling a regular sex life, which I never thought would happen considering it’s taken us 18 years to get here

If you can give a bit more info I’ll do my best to help

Essentially you feel like his house keeper and nanny?

Yes absolutely @monty27 I feel exactly like that. His friend that’s there to support but may as well just be paid help.

But which one of you isn't interested in sex?

@hidingtonothing the idea that this can be fixed gives me so much hope!

It’s me that initiates or suggests or down right asks. I know there isn’t romance in trying to schedule anything but I feel like I’ve put myself out there time and time again to be knocked back. Be that he doesn’t like doing it at night, it’s too late, he’s too full from dinner. I feel I’ve heard every excuse but he says he wants me?

He tells me I’m grumpy and that I argue and bring this up every other week. I feel like I try and talk to understand - if he told me out right he didn’t like me/it/wanted something specific... anything... any information then I could process it and move on. But it’s literally this hollow conversation that goes round in circles.

He kisses me but won’t do it with passion. I ask for cuddles in bed and often get told no because his back is settling.

I just want to feel desirable. Wanted. Sexy. God anything other than a maid that he can’t be bothered to find a replacement for.

I also know he takes care of himself so it’s not that he can’t - just can’t be bothered with me?

Sort your stuff out OP and run for the hills.
He's broken you.

Him @sadiesnakes

@monty27 I have no job, no family here and if we separate I can’t leave the country without his permission.

I want it to work... I just feel like I’m failing.

Do you think he may have a porn addiction? If he did, he may not be able to tell ypu he can't have sex without watching porn, but it does get way.

Whatever, the problem isn't you OP. I know it's hard not to FEEL like it's to do with you, but it isn't. It's all him and accepting that will help you make decisions. It's not me, needs to be your mantra.

Ok so opposite way round to us as it was me who wasn’t interested, The excuses thing (tired, full, bad back etc) is horribly familiar and an obvious deflection away from the real problem, do you have any theories about what’s really at the root of it? Am assuming you’ve done the ‘serious talk away from the bedroom’ thing and asked him to tell you, what does he say then?

Sorry for all the questions, just trying to get a clear picture so I’m not giving irrelevant advice.

Yep, I'd seriously look at his porn usage op. My best friend had just dissolved her marriage because he finally admitted to extreme porn addiction. Years of her initiating and being told, too tired, too busy, not in the mood, etc, her self esteem in the toilet. Turns out he was very highly sexed and wanked twice a day to all sorts of porn. She's absolutely devastated and so shocked. She never imagined he was doing this all along.. they hide it so well.

Sorry OP, what porn?

We have talked about it, screamed and I’ve cried greatly about it. Often away from the bedroom so that it doesn’t add more of a block.

He’s told me I don’t initiate enough and that I don’t make things clear before - told me that in the past I’ve watched the clock and I have been unfair at times early on. Could it be I’m being more demanding and he needed more delicacy?

I don’t know about porn to be honest. I’ve never found anything or heard anything. When we got together I went digging and found videos and pictures of other woman - many of whom he knew or were old flings. They were all dated prior to us even first talking. I almost feel I’m too easy? That his thrill used to be in the chase and the anticipation and I’ve iust made it too easy? He’s never really seemed THAT bothered about my needs but ensured he was done!

Am I putting too much on sex? Should I be seeking counselling? I’ve asked him to go with me and he has refused - doesn’t want a stranger telling him he’s to blame.

He doesn’t have very high self esteem - his mother made sure of that.... could this be the route cause? I was his first proper relationship. Prior it was all flings, chasing, wayward behaviour and strip clubs. Finding that out made me massively insecure from day 1. He openly feels ashamed of that phase of his life too..

Seems he does have a high libido if he was visiting strip clubs, etc. Unless he's taking anti depressants or some such drug that depresses the sex drive or is having a health issue, my bet would be his porn consumption. You can be very sure he masturbates regularly, almost all men do. So he's choosing to at least wank over sex with you op. That's a betrayal in itself and not good enough. It's time to go digging, unless you can trust he's honest enough to be straight forward about it.

@guccifitflop the man works IT and is a technical wizard. He doesn’t want it found - it never will be. His word is all I get.

I understand, my dh is an IT wizard too, don't alert him to any suspicions you have, watch and wait. They do slip up. The fact that he feels shame over his wayward period kind of makes me think he'll feel great shame with a porn addiction, and the only way you'll find out is searching for it. Have you access to his phone, laptop? Of course snooping is questionable in any relationship, if it is porn, he's essentially lied to you for years and ruined your marriage. I'd feel you are well within your rights at this stage to find out, by whatever means, what exactly is going on.