DP Not sure how much less he loves me…than himself

[RiverRiver3]

I asked DP (24+ yrs together, 2 DC-16 & 14 ) if he loved me as much as he loves himself – yeah stupid question I shouldn’t of asked him I now release, and in my only defense we just finished watching a romance movie and that was it’s main theme!! And I definitely I’m fine with him loving himself more but when he said he loved himself more I asked how much less for me, he replied he doesn’t know, he’s never thought about it. I tried to joke it off and said I wasn’t after pie graphs and percentages …that an answer of ‘a bit less would of done’. (I've never asked him these questions before)

Yeah Men are from Mars women from…, but it’s kind of making me look at our relationship a little differently. I’d better add here that I’ve recently started working on not being so emotionally dependent on DP (mainly trying to build my self esteem, not being such a hermit and trying to reduce asking/ seeking approval of my decisions –lol so umm I’m asking here instead (1st time user)

Warning! long rambling grumping is coming so best skip to the last paragraph *

I feel I have to 'fight' to get my feeling taken into consideration. I talk with DP on changes but unless it some how effects DP I feel he doesn’t seem to care or take notice. eg
· I explained after DP started getting into the habit of changing position just before I orgasm that I can’t get that far again after he interrupts at a crucial moment. I explained this in a calm way on 6 (or more) different occasions. So I made myself get up and go on a toilet break just before he climaxes…so point made and he’s stop doing that.
· I’ve a word I don’t like it’s ‘nice’ – yeah I know stupid right!. But I really don’t like that word because it was my best compliment I got from DP for many years ie ‘I look nice for my age’ and ‘I think you look nice’… we hardly ever go anywhere where I dress up so ‘I look nice for my age’ is a sore point. DP still to this day gets angry that I ask him to use another word. AIBU ?? I've restarted trying to ignore it when he says it but if I was truthful to myself him saying that was 'nice' after sex does piss me off inside!

DP is aware that sometimes people have to push to get their point across with him (he's a manager)so when he gives the run down to new people he lets them know that's how he is but if they come to him with valid points etc he's very open. But I often feel in many situations I have to really push eg DP thought our lights fixtures were old and needed replacing – came with the house, I also wanted to change them. I spent weeks deciding on some new light fixtures – I was really happy – DP said he didn’t like them, so I went online again and spend days searching for more - DP didn’t like them – repeat, repeat etc… after literally a couple of hand full of tries with him, I showed links to some to choose from, as I said I was giving up. In this last very short list he finds ones he liked. Later said to me after getting them delivered he liked previously shown ones too !! but he thought of should of ‘fought’ for them if I really liked then.

He said a fair few times he finds his job easier as he can remember the facts and going ons. But he often forgets to let me know important things - ummm like how his family - 8 people (2 sisters, their husbands + 4 kids) are coming over next year and will be staying 4 days here before they travel around. We live in a small cottage in the countryside so DP wrote they can stay in the area that's been plaster boarded in the shed - it's go a toilet but we'll still need to buy a tent because they wont all be able to all fit still. I only found out the other day as I decided to send some newer photos of DP to his mum - he then mentioned the (same) email where his sister wanted newer photos for a calendar (b'day present for their mum - so I shouldn't of sent newer photos to mum but to his sister!) but still forgets the main part of the email where they write to each other about the travel dates/itinerary - not sure if he would of told me even now - I looked up the email because I felt bad about spoiling his mum having new photos on her b'day calendar

He 'forgot' to tell about two close friends from the past who tried to get in contact with me - by finding his facebook (I don't have FB) and asking him to let me know their contact detail. But I remember him asking me if it would be nice if either of these friends tried to contact me? and if I missed them - he still didn't mention they tried to contact me.

Not sure what I'm asking as I've said we're been together over 24 years - so things coming up that are hurtful or inconsiderate is inevitable over such a long time. And I know every couple would have a long list of such things. But I often feel lonely and that we're not the close 'team' I really would love.

*Would it upset you if your DP said he wasn't sure how much less he loved you then himself?

Didn’t want to read and run. All of your feelings are valid and real. You sound as if you are a very unappreciated member of your husband’s personal workforce. Unfortunately I have no real advice, but send you

Erm I'm not really sure how to respond to the actual original question. It's not something I've ever thought about or wanted to ask anyone...but I don't think I'd be upset.

In regards to the other stuff, he seems like a head fuck and completely hard work. He's controlling and manipulative and doesn't think to inform you on big things that will effect your day to day life. That for me would be a complete deal breaker. I'd leave him and his family to it.

I'd run for the hills personally. Well done on doing some self improvement and continue this by getting rid of this controlling 'DP'.

I wouldn’t think ask my DH that question, have you asked yourself the same question?

Your DH does seem like hard work it also comes across that you are dependent on him. Open FB account and get in touch with these friends. Do you spend any time apart with other friends and activities?

thanks triptrapdollydumpling and sonicshoegazes
It was good to hear someone else views and validate my feelings when situations like this come up :)

allthegoodusernameshavegone yes I need to love myself more, I've kind of put myself at the bottom of the family - I've started working on changing that, it's not healthy . And your right I am dependent on him, I'm a SAHM - and it would be really hard for me to get a job as I would only be getting minimal wage jobs but mainly as we live in the countryside if I didn't do drop off/ pickup with school our DC wouldn't be getting home until after 5pm (really bad public transport to here). And my DD would have to drop after school activities.

I don't have any close friends atm - my last one left for o/s :( but I've a couple of people I might meet up with a few times a year and a few emails etc

You and DH should go off for a break together and 'regroup' sorry if that sounds corny but you both sound a bit stale.
Go have a laugh together and enjoy talking about it when you get back.

He sounds exhausting to live with
Life's too short

I can see why that question would set you thinking. Especially given the rather odd examples of his behaviour that you give.

To be honest he doesn't sound very nice. He comes across as manipulative and controlling. The examples with the lights and with the Facebook friends sound like the beginning of a thriller where the heroine discovers her nice handsome dh is in fact a complete psycho!

You're isolated in the country. Was it your idea to move there?

Hi OP

Clearly there are a few things going on here. Of course your feelings are valid, and if we asked your DH, we’d probably hear issues from him. I do think Monty’s suggestion above is a good one. But, not enough.

OP, by chance, are you perimenapausal? I ask because of the years married and what / how you’re writing about, the rambling nature too. Was similar for me a few years ago. Getting referral to gynaecologist and addressing peri (levelling moods by levelling hormones) helped tremendously. Then a few sessions at relate - to actually help us “relate” to one another. We could discuss those “trigger” words or actions etc. Turned things right around.

Men also go through something. My DH is a senior manager, has to rely on memory a lot. However, in many other things he forgets things. People do laugh if they overhear our conversations where we talk around things, making bizarre connection because we can’t remember the words/names.

A big help was both of us using meeting requests to ensure we kept each other up to date on things. So we do that right away and we can talk in greater detail later in the evening when we see each other. If we’re agreeing to do something while we’re sitting next to each other, we both put in our calendars right then) in our mobiles. We forward emails with relevant data at the time of reading it, so we don’t forget. We use what’s app quickly to update too.

We just went through major house renovation. We went light shopping together as part of it. Bought our lights after first trip out after we looked, discussed and priced. It was up to me to find best price. Similar for kitchen, tiles, sofa shopping was at least 8 trips through three towns etc. (We did end up creating a great new thing we do together, Sunday brunches. Get up, dressed, go to the town where we’re Looking for something, shop a bit and have brunch. Now we’re just going out for walks in new areas and finding places to have brunch).

A lot of how DH behaves st home regarding purchases etc is also similar to how DH operates at work. It’s very common for some men to bring their managerial style into their personal relationships. This could be another topic to discuss in relate.

If DH doesn’t want to go to relate, often one person going alone can be helpful as they discover that while you can’t make someone change, and that sometimes if one person changes their own reactions to how the other person behaves, it can actually impact the other persons behaviour in the long run.

You’re married 24 years it’ worth the investment to work on the marriage. These are issues but can be addressed. Not uncommon things when people have been together so long. Need to refresh. Best of luck OP.

I would have a problem with him not discussing that his family are coming to stay next year. It wasn't his decision to make alone. The Facebook thing sounds sinister. Like he doesn't want you to have friends.

What else is he forgetting to tell you?
He sounds quite selfish with the sex scenario you've given.

He doesn't respect you enough op. He filters out information and only gives you what he wants you to know. That's patronising. Like you might treat a young child. I would begin to make my own decisions and stop asking him so much. If he pulls you up on it tell him you can't be bothered wasting days going round in circles like with the light fixtures. And it's HIS job to send photos to his family.

@Monty27 Your suggestion on more trips away is a valid one! Since DC came along we've only had one with just the two of us - it was a work trip for DH (to a place we visited over 20 years ago and I wanted to go again), but we also had the weekend there. We really enjoyed the change - this was less then 1.5 months ago. 2 days later he sent the email to his sister about them coming here next year.

@Shoxfordian after reading so many people's stories online it sounds like alot of them are :)

@DownTownAbbey Sometimes things don't add up in what he tells me. eg He had two very close work trips, in the past, with days coming back he would be off again so had the trip already 'booked' I asked if he could bring home the boarding passes - first time ever he come home early (by 8 hours)

Living in the countryside was something we both wanted, we moved from the largest city here (Australia) to a new state. DP chose the state, while it was further down on my list. But we both love living here- I'm doing 2 hourly feeds on a very low birth lamb atm. She's 8 days old and still very weak, but it's great to see her slowly progressing:)

I'm going to have to log off now til tomorrow but thanks everyone for your replies and I'll think about them

Hope you've had a good rest OP.
Is he expecting you to host his family next year?
Honestly....

So you have to go through a vigorous vetting process for buying lights but he's allowed to invite his family to stay in your house without consulting you?
He sounds controlling. He should treat you like his equal, not an employee.

He's a passive-aggressive

Glad you weren't coerced into moving into a remote location. I'd be careful re: the power balance in your relationship though. Sounds like you have your hands full with a newborn ( congratulations! ) but don't think you're imagining stuff or overreacting.

@AdoreTheBeach Yes your right I am entering postmenopausal. Mood wise, I feel I'm going through a stage of greater calm and focus if that makes sense. So I'm looking and thinking more clearly about DP actions then say in 2015 and 2016 when I did have anxiety.

I like you idea of sending on any important details as they come up, so as not to forget - I'll bring it up tonight

I gather Relate is similar to marriage counselling? in 2016 we went to 6-7 sessions and I was the one to stop it, as the councilor suggested I make a separate appointment to hypnotize me on my past lives and how that's effecting me now!! Sometimes I think about suggesting to find someone else but during the time we went I feel we both felt worse about the other.

The last few days I've been looking up support groups were you can talk about things:)

It must be lovely to have your home all freshen up Adore! (still lots do here) and I like how you both treated yourselves to brunch along with all the finding of items. It beat online shopping and a better way to bring a little change to our time together.

@Monty27 Thanks I can't get my head around how I'll host his family We've only enough lounge chairs space for the 4 of us and we don't own a dining table! (a very cosy small home ) maybe picnic blankets outside and lots of salads , bbq foods and a fire pit, or dining out :)
It's easier on DP and family to speak their dialect when together, so on the bright side!! I wont hear about anything that may be uncomfortable ;)

@Forgotmycoat 'What else is he forgetting to tell you?' He does occasionally (that I now know of) forget to tell things or just decides not to. I was only going to write about resent things but there were things he didn't need to keep from me but chose to.

eg e-cigarettes for over 2 years before I found out. He had no reason to do that as in the past he also started smoking and lied to my face many times about it (friends smoked near him that's why he smells like cigarette or someone flicked a butt into his car that burnt car seat )- and he even said he knew I wouldn't get angry about it (past time and more resent) but he didn't tell me because he was 'embarrassed'. What I was angry about is that he smoked in the car and told our DC not to tell me!! (he told me he never smoked around DC - DD corrected him)

Sometimes past things he's told me don't add up.

@Pigeonpies I do kind of feel like an employee sometimes - Is that a man thing!!? A couple of years ago I felt like I should get a pay increase :) so told him I would like birthday and Xmas presents from now on (except first couple of years from him, plus DD is so cute she always makes me something) had to make suggestions to him though as he had no ideas, the first few tries

@florafawna I had a quick google on passive-aggressive
adjective: "resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation"
I'll look more it this, as that sentence is correct in so many ways in our personal life but very different to how he is at work.

@DownTownAbbey Thanks for getting back to me again and your support. And just to clarify for others, that's a new born lamb :) Heaps easier to care for than DC though she's starting to call out for company and for a practice walking around. She (DL ?Darling Lamb?) still frequently gets very wobbly and falls as she's so weak still

I just keep going back to this bit "He 'forgot' to tell about two close friends from the past who tried to get in contact with me - by finding his facebook (I don't have FB) and asking him to let me know their contact detail. But I remember him asking me if it would be nice if either of these friends tried to contact me? and if I missed them - he still didn't mention they tried to contact me."

So, actually, that was not forgetting, that was a deliberate choice.

I think you have a problem in this man. I think he's controlling and potentially emotionally abusive. If he is, then joint counselling would be a very bad idea.

He sounds AWFUL.

I couldn't be with someone like this

And in answer to your original question -- it's a complete red herring as imo he doesn't love anyone but himself

He seems to enjoy having power over you, it sounds like he lacks empathy and he is unlikely to change

I'm another one thinking he's treating you like an employee rather than an equal partner. What is that nonsense about fighting for your choice /opinion? Also very rude re his family coming to stay. And lying about smoking,any other areas of his life where you think he is economical with the truth? How much do you love him? May be worth trying counselling with a different person and sometimes the process can make you feel uncomfortable as you dig into reasons for behaviours.