Money

[nereenan]

Just lost my post due to stupid black bar issue. Sort it out MN!

Ok. Been married 16 years. Money issues in the past. Th went bankrupt and I went on DMP which I'm still paying off, but I am paying and it is going down. I learnt my lesson. Won't ever have debt of any kind again.
DH terrible with money still. He's 42. Has no pension. No savings. Spends money like water.
We rent. I have no family to help and nowhere to go. We have a 5yo DS.

He's not going to change is he? I just don't know what to do. I married a fucking loser.

Lost half my post so rest is...

He's constantly ordering stuff online. Steady stream of packages through the door. No amount of begging stops him.
I've built up a small amount of savings which he doesn't know about as I know it would get spent.

I go without or save for the things I want and he just indulges himself as he sees fit.

He spent the savings we were meant to be using for a little holiday. I'm so sick of it all

I work full time with an hour commute each way so he does pickups and dropoffs around his work. So I'm screwed as I need him

I don't usually advocate separate finances but I think that's the only way. Give him an ultimatum either he hands all money to you and you manage finances INCLUDING his spends or you kick him out!! make sure he knows you mean it.

Extreme measures for extreme selfishness!

My sisters husband was similar (not quite as bad with sieving but worth money she allocated to pay off his credit card etc) she has all of it now and he gets spending money! He gets a fair amount tbh, more than she has!!

The thing is I already do that. I have control of everything and we have our own 'spending money' for extras with what's left over. But he spends all of his on what he wants and I use mine for normal stuff eg days out or clothes for DS.
I've been paying into a pension for about 7 years and stashing some away. I don't buy expensive stuff.

Every month he's skint a few days after payday so he never treats us of offers to pay for anything. But the packages keep on coming.
He also secretly ran up credit card debt last year, after going bankrupt! His parents had to bail him out. I'm just so tired of having to manage it all and make sure we have enough for all the bills etc. It's all on me.

If he is skint just after payday, then sort it so that he is given money weekly.

Take money for days out and DS clothes out of joint money before splitting into for individual spends.

In terms of childcare, can you find a childminder who would take your DS and pick up? It would cost, but probably as not as much as staying with your DH long term. I have always had an hour commute and had to rely on before/after school clubs when they were younger. But it isn't forever, once they at secondary school, they can usually get themselves to and from school.

"I have control of everything and we have our own 'spending money' for extras with what's left over. But he spends all of his on what he wants and I use mine for normal stuff eg days out or clothes for DS."

So he's using up his spending money? Isn't that what it's for? If you think he should be putting some into savings/pension then do that before you allocate spending money.

Leave then. Be aware though that upon divorce that pension you're saved will be partly his and you will so be liable for part of the debts too. Welcome to the wonderful world of marriage 🙄. This is the very reason why I don't recommend people get married anymore, one party can be completely irresponsibile and the other is legally forced to help clean up the mess. The law needs to be changed to protect responsibile partners and not reward them.

You need to divorce him. As soon as humanly possible. The rest of your life will be a misery with this man.

Not reward irresponsibility. "damn phone keyboard" 😂

Thanks for the replies.
I'm scared to end the marriage to be honest. He takes care of our DS as he works less hours than I do. So I'm worried he would get residency. Not sure how it works to be honest. It's a mess

You need to end the marriage because he's not capable of being an equal competent partner to you