Relationship failing after abortion - how to move on?

[MySkirtHasPockets]

I had an abortion earlier this year after falling pregnant unexpectedly. I had been in a relationship with my partner for just over two years and we were on the verge of buying our first house together. Both of us have children from previous relationships that live with us (youngest in KS2 so not young kids).

He is older than me and said he did not want more children. I wanted to keep the baby but had the abortion because he made it clear that he really did not want another child.

Since the abortion things have been terrible between us and I don't know how to move forward. I took antidepressants for six months but they didn't help. I'm going to see a counsellor to see if that will help but I'm at a loss.

He has recently had a vasectomy and I just feel so sad that we will never have a child together. It's all I can think about, it's unfair to him as we both said we didn't want more children when we got together but my feelings changed after falling pregnant.

How do i move on and stop poisoning our relationship? Had anyone managed to salvage a relationship after abortion?

I'm sorry I don't have any advice. I hope you find a way to get through it and be happy.
It must be really hard.

Thank you kayaking it's just feeling more and more as though the only option is to split up.

We're laid in bed now not talking because he is fed up of me being so fixated on it all still, apparently it's "like ground hog day"

I have some experiencen with this. It did end our relationship. I got pregnant, I wasn’t sure I wanted to keep it but my ex was adamant he didn’t, was adamant that it would ruin his life etc.

I had an abortion. A decision I really struggled with initially. I resented him. I hated seeing pregnant woman. In the end I despised him.

I did get over the termination eventually. I met my OH and I had my boys. I made peace with what I did and I don’t feel regret over it anymore.

The only answer I can give to your question is “Quickly”.

It’s clear you weren’t that comfortable with having an abortion. That’s a fundamental disagreement that is unlikely to be reconcilable. You also need space to grieve that.

Your partner has furthermore taken (virtually) irreversible action with his vasectomy. That’s his choice in the abstract, but if he got a say in whether to keep the baby, you should have gotten a say in whether he had a vasectomy. These decisions are made as a couple or singly, not as a couple sometimes and singly at others.

I think genuine disagreements over having children rarely resolve. Couple that with the fact he doesn’t seem to properly respect or weight your wishes, I think you let it go.

You’ve given it enough time to see if it works out (you might have both regretted it, tried again quickly, or you might have been relieved you didn’t have a baby after all).

Tunnocks I'm pleased that you were able to move forward from it and find happiness.myself

I'm scared I'm beginning to hate him. It's not fair on him but I can't seem to help myself. It's been so hard, I know it's been difficult for him to support me because he knows that deep down I resent him for feeling how he does (even though I have said on lots of occasions that he's not wrong for feeling how he does, I just don't know how we can reconcile the difference in opinion.

Cher I told him to have a vasectomy if he was adamant he didn't want more children (and also that he should have had one as soon as he knew he didn't want more kids). So he did involve me in it in a way. There was no other choice, I told him if I got pregnant again then I would keep it.

We didn't want children. We agreed on that. But I just felt so differently when it happened.

He's just told me that he's sick of all this, how it's all his fault according to me and that I'm only nice to him when I'm pretending . The other day when i was upset and tried to talk to him he told me that he's not my counselor and that it's too upsetting for him.

I've been in shit relationships before, ours was so good before all of this. Now it just feels like it's beyond repair. I'm dragging him down because I'm so fixated on it and can't seem to move on.

Sounds like he has had a compassion and empathy bypass. And that he is unwilling to face the emotional consequences of his decisions.

I don’t think thinking about in terms like “I’m dragging him down because I’m so fixated on it and can’t seem to move on” is really fair to yourself. It’s all pretty harsh. There were two of you in the situation. He got his way, he should st the very least help you deal with that.

When the decision about children was real, you went one way, he went the other. There is only one way to totally ensure you don’t have a child- don’t have sex. Everything else leaves it open to chance to varying degrees. So you were both prepared to take that chance.

It sounds like it’s been really horrible in the aftermath. Doesn’t sound like you’re communicating well or constructively with one another.

Many relationships are great when things are great, but at the first hurdle they break down. It's the tough times that tell us the caliber of the person we are with, not the good times.

Sorry you're in such a horrible situation. It sounds like your partner has not considered that your experience is not something he can imagine, and is projecting how he thinks he would feel on to you.

I was in the exact same situation as you a few years ago. 2 years together, accidentally pregnant, unsure. My partner was absolutely adamant that I have an abortion. Said a baby would ruin our relationship. So I had one, and was devastated. Unfortunately he was about as sympathetic as your partner. As a scientist, he simply could not understand why I was upset about a "small ball of cells". Then washed his hands of it and packed me off to counselling. Then blamed me when that didn't make me feel better straight away.

I'm afraid our relationship did fail in the end as a result. I would have got over the abortion eventually but I couldn't get past how callous he was. I suggest you have a very honest conversation with your partner about how his attitude is making you feel, and tell him in no uncertain terms that he has fuck all idea what it feels like to be pregnant and to make that choice, and that if he wants to make it work, he should be as supportive as you need him to be for as long as you need him to be.

 for you. It gets easier.

That was supposed to be flowers for you at the end there- dunno why they didn't show up!

lrh oh yes I've had that one too about the bunch of cells "you're talking about it as if it's a real person like me or you" , another good one was when he told me I was making him few so bad about it all (by speaking about it as if it was a baby), that I might as well align myself with the prolifers that stood outside the clinic.

Yes it's true that we hadn't really had any major challenges to our relationship prior to this.

I've tried being honest with him about how I feel and how his responses make me feel. He just tells me over and over that I don't exist in a bubble, what I say affects him too and that he has been supportive. Admittedly it must be frustrating to keep going over old ground but it's proving so hard to move on. The other night in bed I broke down and cried about it all (again), told him how difficult it is and how I don't know how to move forward. That conversation culminated in me crying and trying to talk and him repeatedly saying "fuck off fuck off fuck off" while I was trying to talk. Then when I suggested we spend some time apart to work out what we both want and to find a way to move on, he accused me of being controlling and told me it would just be so easy for me to walk away.

Really hoping that seeing the counsellor will help me to let go of some of these feelings.

It's miserable, it really is.

Thank you for your replies. It is helpful.

That conversation culminated in me crying and trying to talk and him repeatedly saying "fuck off fuck off fuck off" while I was trying to talk

Your problems are a lot bigger than the aftermath of a regretted abortion. It is possible for relationships to survive the initial scenario you laid out in your op - if both people are able to approach the problem with mutual respect, understanding and love.

I'm sorry op but that's not going to happen for you. He is telling you who he really is. Believe him. He doesn't love or respect you as a real person. His love was for a fantasy version of you who only thought and did things he likes. For the relationship to survive you would need to kill your self-respect and individuality and henceforth only act in accordance with his will. I do not recommend that path.

Tenor I fear that might be the case. As I mentioned before, I've been in bad relationships in the past and sometimes it's hard to know whether I'm being over sensitive or if things are off. It's just got to the point now where I feel as though I've driven him to behave in those ways and to say those things.

I'm certainly no angel and I've said horrible things to him when I've been upset, called him pathetic and told him that sometimes I can't bear to be near him. I know that must be very painful to hear.

It just feels as though I'm causing a problem where there isn't a problem for anyone else.

I couldn’t bare to be near a man who told me to fuck off either, OP. Especially when I was crying and distraught over aborting my baby!!

What a horrible, horrible man

Honestly you’re much better off without him. This is his level of ‘support’ towards you when things get tough. Do you really want to stay with this man? Do you really want to have a family with a man who tells you to fuck off when you’re wanting to speak about how you’re feeling?

He sounds disgusting.

I honestly think this relationship has no future. You are in pain from a decision that you made but now regret and perhaps feel guilty about.

Your OP does not share your regret. He has been consistent in not wanting children and his views on abortion and choice. I don't see how he will ever accept blame for what from his perspective was rationally and emotionally the right decision to make.

A lot of women choose to have abortions and live without regret. Their decision is rational and emotional. I support their choice and I support abortion. I support anybody's right to not to want children. I don't think they should be guilty and I don't think they should be blamed or shamed for their choice or the basis on which it is made.

You are entitled to you feelings of regret and you are entitled to have your own views on abortion. However fundamentally it is impossible to ask or expect somebody to empathise with what is essentially a pro-life argument and sentiment, when they are pro-abortion and pro-choice. He does not regret his views nor does he regret that he didn't want a child and that you had an abortion.

I think you need to reconcile your own conflict over the decision. I don't think he can help you with it. I don't think he is the person who can support you through this as a partner. The divergence of views is too great.

I know it was the right decision at the time and that he is not wrong in how he feels. It's not logical and it's not rational for me to be angry with him. I've told him that I'm not angry and that he's not wrong to feel how he does, we just have very different feelings about it.

It just hurts so much. I need to get beyond the rose tinted idea of having a baby. It was not the right thing for me, him or our existing children and yes I have come to realize that having a child with this man wouldn't be a good idea.

MySkirt, I really feel for you and the situation.

I never got the sense that you seen this as anything but your choice and one that I think you would previously have been confident about. Your pain and confusion must be difficult to fathom as it is so internally conflicting. Knowing you didn't want a baby in theory but in reality finding it wasn't so straight forward. Having this play out in your head over and over must be incredibly painful and stressful as there really is no answer. Hence the depression.

I think you should need to explore your confusion over this, what you perceive you gave and what you did give up with this decision. It may you are depressed as this signals the end of period in your life that you weren't as prepared for as you thought. Your views on abortion may be more ambiguous than you thought. On the last point, i would urge you to seek real life and qualified support. The internet is not a good place to seek views and advice on this issue and I worry about the pain that ill-advised opinion and misinformation may inflict on you. Your partner is too conflicted to help at this time which is a shame but may be involve him at some point when it feels safer.

In relation to your depression, it is very difficult to know how to properly support somebody with MH illnesses. It does not come naturally if you don't understand the illness. It is also very painful to be with somebody who is so unhappy and this builds a fear that you may be the cause. It is like being with a different person, who you love and want to protect but who appears to reject you at every chance. There are techniques that help to improve communication. I learnt never to ask a question or put him in a situation were he needed to make a decision. That is much more difficult than you think. Perhaps refer him to some advice on being with a person with depression will help and that will help you too. Comparison to a physical illness isn't always helpful.

But it's not about this specific pregnancy any more is it. It's about him not allowing you the space to grieve. It is OK to grieve even when you feel it was ultimately the right choice because none of the available choices were painless. A decent man would be supportive and centering you and your feelings, not repeatedly telling you to fuck off while you try to work through your complex emotions. You are not causing problems. You are a real and valid person who is dealing with some difficult stuff that needs time and nurture to work through.

This awful situation seems to be the first time life has thrown something horrible and difficult at the two of you. It won't be the last time you have to deal with awful stuff. Older parents get ill and die, sometimes people get life-limiting illnesses, sometimes kids go off the rails or get into complex troubles of their own. All sorts of stuff. This particular man's reaction to such times is to selfishly focus on himself and shut down your feelings. That is not a life partner.

Thank you for your replies, I appreciate all of them. This thread has been useful in focusing my mind so that I can find ways to move on from this.

Lemon my views on abortion as the same as before all of this happened, I truly believe that all women should have access to abortion when needed. I am no-strings attached pro choice. It just hurts much more than I'd expected (although I appreciate that many women do not experience these feelings).

He has behaved appallingly at times and acknowledges that he could have been more supportive throughout the last few months. I have also said some horrible things and became fixated on what happened, it was all I wanted to talk about with him and I know that wore him down.

I took antidepressants for six months after the abortion but stopped taking them as they weren't helping and they made me feel terrible. I have recently taken up swimming and running as a physical outlet for my emotions and they are both proving helpful.

He has struggled with depression on and off for years, I naively thought he might be able to better understand my feelings but it seems it just made it more difficult for him to support me.

I'm inclined to think that you're right about the relationship not having legs and him not being a life partner but we're not in a position to split up at the moment. I'm going to really try to move past this but of course other things will crop up, as you say tenor . There are many positives to the relationship and our house is a happy one (despite the impression over given on here!), the kids are all happy and it would be selfish to split up because of my fixation on this one issue. He is fine and we get on really well when we don't talk about the abortion. I'm hoping the counselling sessions will give me a safe space to explore my feelings and then I can put less of that onto him.

I realise how pathetic I sound, if this was one of my friends I would tell her to leave a man who was capable of being so uncaring about it all. It's just never that simple!