I finally told my H that I wanted to leave our relationship in April. This was after years of what I now know was controlling behaviour, lies, mood swings, rages, drunken binges and constant demands but general neglect of me and the children. I agonised for months but finally clicked that he had been taking cocaine for years - he had hidden it incredibly well but once I knew what I was looking for it became clearer. His abuse had been so subtle and so prolonged that I still question if it was in my head but the lies and the drug use gave me the justification I felt I needed to leave.
He pretended to accept it but clearly didn’t. To cut a long story short, I rented a house and he agreed to go but we ended up using it on a rotating basis so our 3DC could stay in the family home. Problem was he was happy to go for his drug binges but the rest of the time he would be around the family home when it was my turn with the DC. When it was his turn to have DC he would phone and text constantly and demand to know where I was and who with. He would call me constantly at work and if I didn’t reply immediately to his texts he would rant and rave telling me I lacked respect and common courtesy and that I “would pay”.
Unfortunately he then moved back to the family home and I had no further money to move out again. He told me I could not take DC. He continued to harass me whenever I went out and would insist on knowing where I was. The rest of the time he would pretend nothing had happened and try to hug and kiss me despite the fact I was now living in a converted room above the garage and kept telling him our relationship was over (which made him angry). At this point he would confront me after I had been out for the evening, telling me I was a liar and a sponge and that he had “carried me” for the 15 years of our marriage (I had given up my job to become a SAHM). He was vile to me and started to push me (on one occasion he shoved me and I fell over).
It escalated one evening after he had been drinking/taking drugs all day. He attacked me in front of our children and my daughter (13) had to pull him off me. I was utterly terrified and ran to my neighbours asking them to call the police. He was arrested and bailed with conditions not to contact me or come to the house. He has since breached the bail conditions and I have reported him for this. He has pleaded not guilty to the assault charge and is putting pressure on me through his friend and my family (who are acting as intermediaries relating to contact with the children) to withdraw my statement to police. He is saying if he loses his job we will lose our house and the children will have to leave their fee-paying schools.
I am holding firm but terrified as I am worried about what will happen after the trial and when his bail conditions no longer apply. There is little doubt in my mind that he wants to come home. I can’t afford to move out but he can’t afford to find alternative accommodation and pay the school fees. He will not countenance putting the children in state schools. I am desperately trying to get a better paid job and to find alternative schools for DC.
Can anyone tell me if they have any experience of restraining orders? If I get one will it stop him from coming back to the family home in the same way a civil law occupation order would? This would give me enough time to get the house on the market although I doubt we could sell in the current climate unless we put it on the market at a stupid price. The thought of him coming back terrifies me. My family solicitor says she can’t advise me on criminal law matters. Has anyone been through anything similar? Thank you so much for reading this far. 💐