Is it ever ok to be sworn at

[StonedRoses]

Things have not been good for a while between me and my DW. We’ve both had a series of fairly serious health issues that have worn us down. And as a result my DW has had some mental health issues, which her psychiatrist thinks might be Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. I find some of this very hard to deal with and feel like I’m always tiptoeing round waiting for the next crisis.
Anyway last week she wasn’t well, UTI and given her previous health does have a lot of health anxiety and thinking the worst. A conversation when I asked if she wanted me to call the drs or arrange pick up for our DS(8) somehow escalated into an argument when she called me a cunt, told me to fuck of and leave her alone and asked me to leave the house.
It’s actually hurt me more than I thought. I know I must forgive her, she was unwell and unhappy but I’m finding it hard. We both swear occasionally - but never too one another.
I feel like she has somehow crossed a line with this which is ridiculous. How do I move on?

I have the same personality disorder, but it is not an excuse to be abusive.

Would you consider marriage counselling?

Why is it ridiculous to acknowledge she’s crossed a line?

There’s no excuse for verbally abusing your partner, health issues or not. Mental health issues aren’t excuses for abuse. Plenty of people with MH issues are able to refrain from verbally abusing other people. And most of the people who do this don’t have MH issues. It might have been a contributing factor but it is NOT an excuse.

I don’t know how you move on from this. It sounds more like you need to move on separately and take time time apart as clearly it’s not working, and there’s a child in the middle.

Has she acknowledged how wrong she was and unreservedly apologised and taken ownership of what she did?

It seems ridiculous because it’s such a little thing (on the surface) to potentially break up a marriage. Sticks and stones and all that.

Bit TBH it’s the straw that’s broken the camels back. It might be me, it might be her, it might be her illness but things have not been good for a while. If it wasn’t for our DS we’d have separated. But I feel so bad if I’m leaving her because she’s ill. People with MH are so badly let down by everyone, it shouldn’t be their DH as well

What do you get out of this relationship now?

You have already stated that if it was not for your son you would have separated.

What do you think your son is learning about relationships from the two of you.
A lot of damaging lessons is the answer. You cannot stay with your wife because of or for your son, that’s a terribly heavy burden to place upon him. Do you want his childhood to feature his mum being abusive towards you as his dad, what message does that send him here?. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Sticks and stones? Really?

No. I wish that saying had never been thought up. It is patently untrue. Words can damage. Irreparably.

Thanks everyone.
What do I get out of it? Not a lot to be honest. But most of the time it’s tolerable and we never argue in front of our DS so I remain because of him. Because i don’t want the trauma and disruption that seperation/divorce will inevitably bring. I will put up with a lot to share the house all the time with DS.
And because it’s not my DW fault she is ill, but on the other hand it doesn’t make her easy to live with. I keep thinking that I must let her outbursts go and her yelling at me because it’s not all the time and it is just words, but I find myself unable to.

I think it’s really sad that we might be coming to the end of the road, and I keep clinging to the hope it might get better. But we’ve tried counselling and relate and nothing’s changed. I’m not perfect, it’s as much me but at the moment I don’t love her and we don’t seem to be very compatible.