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Relationships

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Original poster

Can a marriage work if your OH 's friends don't like you?

25 replies

Sometimeitrains · 23/10/2018 09:15

Just that really.

DH said the reason his friends don't visit and he always goes there is because they don't like me. They say I'm too quiet and don't put myself out there.

I am quiet I talk to people who talk to me and have my own friends when I see hid I'm not rude I just don't have anything in common with them and when I go to their events they just ignore me anyway.

It all came to a head because I said I don't want to go to a party of their's given what I know and I will just spend the whole time feeling miserable.

Dh says I'm being unreasonable.

OP posts:

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 23/10/2018 09:31

Hmmm, I can see both points of view here to be honest. How does he behave when you have your friends over?

bastardkitty · 23/10/2018 09:32

His friends aren't the problem. Your disloyal partner is!

Original poster

Sometimeitrains · 23/10/2018 09:48

Hes fine with my friends will chat to them not hugely to the point where they are mutual friends but polite. And mostly my friends and I will mainly go out and do stuff together as opposed to sit in each other's houses

OP posts:

Joysmum · 23/10/2018 10:10

Are you sure that’s actually the reason they don’t visit?

I’m my experience people make up tgeir own reality as they don’t want to face up to their own weaknesses. Could be your partner isn’t a natural host and doesn’t want to invite them. To hide this he tells his friends you don’t want them coming round and his friends then cold shoulder you thinking you’re the problem.

LemonTT · 23/10/2018 10:18

Why does it matter if he goes to theirs. I assume you are not desperate to host or see them. Why has this come to a head.

SandyY2K · 23/10/2018 17:36

Saying you're quiet is very different to saying they don't like you. Did they actually say they don't like you or is it his understanding from what they said?

If say it's unlikely they said it, because that would indicate your DH had given them 'permission' to do so.

It might be they aren't comfortable around you because you don't say much and they aren't sure if they're welcome in your home.

adaline · 23/10/2018 17:58

His friends aren't the problem. Your disloyal partner is!

Eh? Why is he disloyal?

You can friends that don't like your partner, just like you can have a partner that doesn't like all your friends. As long as you don't let one influence your relationship/friendship with the other, what's the problem?

Original poster

Sometimeitrains · 23/10/2018 18:43

The exact word used were stand offish and quiet.
And to be honest I'm unsurprised as people who have gotten to know me over time specifically at work often say things like when I first met you I thought XY Z funny how wrong a person can be etc.

It really doesn't bother me.

equally it doesn't bother me that they aren't interested in being friendly to me.

What I was really thinking was whether a relationship where friendship groups are completely separate work. E.g he wants me to come to an event they are hosting and I just don't want to as forcing my company on people who don't like me seems nonsensical.

OP posts:

LemonTT · 23/10/2018 19:25

I think a lot of couples cope with having separate friendship groups that meet up with partners not being present or not being compulsory. I mean mine turns up occasionally to couple type events. His job provides a plentitude of real or contrived excuses. He only enjoys them and get togethers in small doses so doesn't always want to socialise. He knows he has to do big events like weddings and big parties. Lots of me friends' partners have the same pattern of attendance and I think you are supposed to accept their excuses without question.

However when he is present he is sociable and engaged with people even those he really doesn't like or have much in common with. I do the same for him. I think it is respectful to be that way in general. I would question a relationship with somebody who was rude to my friends and family.

I think it is acceptable to be quiet in life but I am not sure that is is to be standoffish. How do you think people feel about being on the other end of that when they meet you? It must be hurtful and scary for people who are not confident or anxious. People could take away all sorts of perceptions about what you think of them and most not good. At best you must create quite an atmosphere, that make people very uncomfortable.

My advice is that if he wants you to go and it is important to him you should. But you also need to engage with his friends respectfully and politely.

Original poster

Sometimeitrains · 23/10/2018 19:58

I'm never disrispectfull and always polite. I'm just not the kind of person who is adept at striking up conversations with people first in away that they continue unless it's clearly reciprocated.

OP posts:

adaline · 23/10/2018 19:58

What I was really thinking was whether a relationship where friendship groups are completely separate work.

I never socialise with DH's friends and he doesn't socialise with mine! We go out as a couple, or separately with our friends. I don't feel the need to be with him all the time and actively enjoy socialising separately - not because I don't love him, but because he's not always interested in the same things as me, so I can do whatever I want and not worry about him being bored or fed up. Likewise he can go off and do his own hobbies knowing I'm not bored - I'm at home or with my own friends.

dirtybadger · 23/10/2018 20:26

I wouldn't assume not wanting to come over your house means they don't want you at another event (presumably with partners etc)? They're slightly different scenarios

DP and I have mutual friends. But I have other friends to be honest I wouldn't want meeting either DP (other than briefly) or my other groups of friends.

It might be nice to have friends you can go out with as a couple but I don't think not being able to do that needs to be particularly problematic. Lots of people with kids never do because of childcare issues, and I am sure a lot if not a majority of people would rather not hang out with their partners'/DW/DHs friends. I think it can be nice to keep that for yourself at least to some extent.

LemonTT · 23/10/2018 20:27

If people other than his friends find you standoffish, it means that you are presenting yourself badly and that, in their view, it is directed at them. They are saying you are cold and unfriendly and that's not polite.

It also appears from that you willingness to engage in polite conversation is contingent on the other person's response to you. Seems like a vicious circle for people when they meet you.

Like I said it doesn't really matter if you do things with the OH's friends. However they are clearly taking offence to the extent they have shared it with him. That will have a lot of influence with him, rightly or wrongly.

You are entitled to live your life the way you want and you will have people who accept you for anyway. However you are missing the opportunity of meeting and getting to know lots of interesting people and you may put your relationship at risk. Seems a needlessly hard way to go through life. All you have to do is smile, make eye contact and show interest in the other person or just comment on the weather.

Anyway, be thankful you are not a Windsor.

SandyY2K · 23/10/2018 23:25

Being standoffish can create the impression or be perceived as unfriendly.

Social norms involve making a degree of conversation and if my friends DH presented as such...I'd think he was unfriendly, but I wouldn't say anything to my friend about it.

Notacluewhatthisis · 24/10/2018 05:57

Quiet is one thing. Standoffish is another.

If my friends dh was standoffish I wouldn't feel comfortable or welcome in their home.

I would feel my friends dh really didn't want me there and wouldn't visit. I would still invite him to stuff, but not go to their house.

Original poster

Sometimeitrains · 24/10/2018 13:23

Okay so now I'm curious what do people see as the difference.
I am quiet. In my head a lot of the time an introvert happy to be on the edges and listen rather than the centre of attention. It's not intentional or something I actively do to people but the suggestions here imply that being this way is a conscious decision designed to make other's feel uncomfortable and I just am not doing that

OP posts:

Bestseller · 24/10/2018 13:27

I don't think you need to be friends with your DH's friends, I've been married 25 years and the vast majority of our friends and either mine or his and we see them separately. Not because we don't get on but because we're not tied at the hip.

Once DC come along it's the only way to socialise without a babysitter anyway!

Aria2015 · 24/10/2018 13:35

Yes, dh and I keep our friends separate and don't really do things a couple unless it's a wedding or christening. I'm not mad on his friends but he likes them so it suits me. Being quiet isn't really a reason to dislike someone unless they interpret your quietness as unfriendliness. Usually at most, it's a reason not to have got close to someone. I wouldn't worry.

Notacluewhatthisis · 24/10/2018 14:08

Quiet is quiet but welcoming.

My dad is quiet but always makes an effort to say hello to visitors, offer drinks and at least try to make cinverstation.

Standoffish is when you make people feel unwelcome.

You said yourself. You would only speak to someone who spoke to you and other people, apart from his friend, have said this to you. So clearly, you fall into standoffish

Trinity66 · 24/10/2018 14:12

I'm surprised your DH actually told you that, it's a really hurtful thing to hear, surely he'd be a bit more tactful and his friends actually told him they don't like you, just because you're quiet? Something seems wrong here

purpleme12 · 24/10/2018 14:39

I think the difference between quiet and standoffish is difficult to define in words. Being standoffish isn't necessarily not starting a conversation. You can be shy but welcoming when someone comes up to you. I guess with standoffish you give off a vibe, the impression you don't want to be there? That you're not really bothered about that person or being there? But I don't think it's something you can define really

UnaOfStormhold · 24/10/2018 14:48

I think the crucial thing is whether your DH has your back. If he's coming at this from the angle of "they think you're too quiet and standoffish, I've explained that you just don't like being the centre of attention, perhaps we could meet x and y for a meal next week." that sounds fine. If he's saying "they think you're too quiet and standoffish and they're right so you should make more of an effort" then that for me wouldn't work.

Rezie · 24/10/2018 14:50

I find it weird that being quiet makes a group of people to dislike a person so much that they can't visit.

Your partner was an idiot for telling that to you and still expecting you to come and see the friends.

Joysmum · 24/10/2018 15:24

Your partner was an idiot for telling that to you and still expecting you to come and see the friends

As I said upthread, it wouldn’t surprise me if the whole thing is a fabrication on his part.

LemonTT · 24/10/2018 18:24

I think that this is very probably the Partner's opinion otherwise he has given away enough of his feelings to his friends for them to cross the line and say it. Given that one would assume his friends don’t really care if she goes to the event or not. If things are coming to a head then I would say this is a test of the OPs response to the invite and subsequent behaviour. It’s the friends’ test.

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