Can anyone offer my advice for how I can help my sad sad DP?

[newname18]

Me and my partner have a one year old DS, and we are currently planning our wedding for next year. We have been together two years, best friends for eight. This year DP has taken an interest in photography, and has started following lots of family travel accounts. He has always loved to travel (as have I) and we have seen lots of the world together.

Over the past few months he has been inspired by these family travel accounts (sell your home and buy a camper van and travel the world permanently sort of things) and would like to do the same. He knows that I'm close to my family and friends and wouldn't do this, and so has his heart set on a year away together. I'm happy to travel, but I don't want to leave my family for that long, and nor do I want to take my little boy away from mine and DPs family for that long (they'd miss him but he would miss them too!)

This is the only thing we ever argue about as we can't agree. Tonight we had a bicker about it, DP got upset, stormed off and then came back into me a bit later on saying he was laying down and having thoughts about whether he would feel better if he cut himself.

DP I had never said anything like this, I don't know what I should be doing to support him. I calmed him down, ran him a bath which is where he is currently.

We live near my parents and this is a temporary move until next summer when we are moving back to London ( where we were when I fell pregnant ) or up to Leeds ( where we went to uni), as DP would like to be in a big city.

How do I help him? I feel like there is more to this than an ambition to travel, and although the isn't happy in his job or where we live, he is struggling to see that these are temporary things. He has a lovely house, a good relationship, family that love him, a gorgeous little boy who adores him- I don't know what to do to help

The element of self harm makes me think that the need to travel is because he's not happy. Mental health can hit at any time despite everything in your life being perfect so maybe ask him if he thinks he would benefit from talking about it? With you or a professional?

Also, maybe suggest going on some holidays to interesting places as a compromise?

I would be tempted to ask him and call his bluff, how he proposes to travel for a year example mode of transport, fuel or tickets, food, spending money, insurance ? Did he or you both travel before the baby ? I hear that it is becoming more popular for people to travel during maternity/paternity leave. I would book a weekend away and see how that goes. Another person, may say that he sounds like he is running away from his responsibilities. I would ask him why he wants to travel now and can he wait to travel ?

Why does he want to do it now? Travelling with a 1 year old is very hard work! Surely it would be better to wait until your child is walking:talking and out of nappies! What happens if you are in South America and your kid gets really sick? There’s no NHS! Has he truly looked into the costs involved? Look at the health insurance for a started. Saying he wanted to cut himself sounds like emotional blackmail to me. You are already agreeing to move to Leeds away from your family because he wants to be in a big city. Do you want that? What do you want? It all seems to be about him but you’ve got a baby and your needs matter too. I’d say being near your family so you’ve got help with your child comes 1st right now. Travelling can happen later. My friends did it when their child was 5 and that worked really well.

The threat to cut himself sounds quite manipulative to me. I notice that you are moving to London or Leeds because that's where he wants to be, so you are already making concessions and supporting what he wants to do.

I don't know. I would be exasperated. He sounds like someone who is never going to be satisfied because he can't run away from himself. The travelling is not a positive move, as it can be for many, but a response to feeling dissatisfied with his life. My guess is that he won't be satisfied after moving you to a big city, and wouldn't be satisfied if you went travelling either.

Regarding the self harm. I teach and have some experience of teens cutting themselves. I am generally less worried about the ones who openly talk about it or threaten to do it.

I think you both need to be more honest with yourselves and each other. It sounds like you can't resolve this because you're not talking about the real issues.

From his perspective, it does sound like escapism or a way to address a deeper feeling of being unfulfilled, perhaps it's a way of trying to carve his own path in life now you're a unit and to move further away from his family emotionally. Saying he wants to cut himself is really sad, it's his way of telling you how bad this is for him.

For yourself though, I don't think your reason of not being away from family and friends for a year is enough. You have your own family unit now that should come first, I suspect he's feeling that. A year really isn't very long and most families would be hugely supportive of something that would bring happiness to you both. Yes it would be easier when your child is a bit bigger, but once school (or DC2) comes along it wouldn't be so easy. If he doesn't like his job now again that makes things easier, but would he be able to find something quickly when back?

Are you worried because of the longer term instability that could result, or the financial cost of it? Or do you just not want to go?

What's your real reason for not wanting to go, you have to ask yourself that question too, in the context of the three of you, no one else.

Planning and direction are a big part of my life. If I were in your shoes I would feel we were both lacking direction and need to make a plan with some clear goals to work towards, which accommodate everyone's feelings. A five year plan ideally, including where you live, career goals, financial goals, personal goals, life goals, and travel goals. Make sure you include what matters for you - being close to family for you but quite possibly moving away from family (emotionally) for him. Could that be worth a try?

Your DP is right in a way. It's now or not for a couple of decades. You can still travel in his sense of the word with a one year old, but with 2 you can't feasibly. Plus your family dynamic will change.

I'd be gutted if you said no because you'll miss your family as the only reason. Because for me that's just a non reason. There's no reason you couldn't be in touch with them daily.

I'm sorry you're with someone who is like this. Manipulative, dissatisfied, grass is greener...immature.
Stop pandering to him. You have every right to live your life as you choose...as does he, but don't make the mistake of giving in to his whims because you feel sorry for him. If you pay for his happiness with your own, you'll regret it.

When you started your post with your 1 year old child, then his desire to sell up to campervan around the world I though "this person has no sense of responsibility and no idea what looking after a small child involves. He must be very immature"
Then I you dropped the "cutting myself" threat.

Immature, manipulative, loon.

I'm sorry you've found out he's like this after your child was born. It would be impossible to campervan for a year with a 1-2-3 year old. Does he have ANY idea how much activity they need they can't be strapped into a seat for hours on end days on end they need running around and constant interaction with toys and educational materials especially when thy start learning to walk. Being couped up in a van would just be cruel.

You are not responsible for his happiness. He needs to take responsibility. I would recommend a course of cognative behavioural therapy, it could make the difference.

How would a year affect your job/house /money situation- short term and long term? Did you plan your child? Is it something he always planned on doing?

It's not such a bad idea provided it's for the right reasons, but just for a year. And now is the right time to do it while DS is so young, but he has to plan it properly. A friend of mine got a job in Australia on a one year contract, and his DW and DS went with him. It's not travelling in a camper van exactly but it's still travel.

Do NOT go on a logistically and emotionally stressful "adventure" with a very young child and a man who threatens to cut himself when things don't go his way.

Please. This is a disaster waiting to happen.

Just to make myself clearer - it's not the travel that's the problem (may or may not be a good idea) it's him.

Threats to cut himself, sulking when je cant get his own way, relocating to a big city cos it's what he wants, its all about him. What do you need?

I suggest you hire a campervan (cheap one without luxuries) and take a two week holiday around the UK. Show him exactly how stressful it would be with a bored, screaming one year old. Ensure he does his share of childcare! Don't be suckered in doing more than equal share of child entertainment, night duty etc etc.

He'll either work out it'd be a nightmare or you'll decide it's fabulous.

Wow no wonder men have problems with mental health issues. When they confide, women (not you op) judge them as manipulative and immature.

What struck me was that surely of you self harm it's an impulsive thing. It's not something you lie down for and wonder if you'd feel feel better doing it. That seems really odd to me. It's like he's not really serious?

A bunch of questions: does he have a history of self harm? Does he have a history of depression? How are you both finding it living with you parents? How was your birth and early parenthood, and did he adjust to it well or was it a rocky ride? How long have you been together and has he ever been like this before during the course of your relationship including pre-children?

It sounds like he has depression, he could be experiencing male PND (which is a thing) or it could be circumstantial because of current living situation, next summer is still a long way off and it sounds like he's planning stuff to keep himself going and by not wanting to travel (not knocking this, I wouldn't want to either) you have removed the only thing that was giving him hope.

It is VERY common when depressed to think 'If only blah was different, everything would be fine." And to want to move house, leave partner, travel round the world to run away from the feelings of despair, the same way that animals shift around to try and outrun physical pain.

He needs to see his GP, and you need to think about whether it's all in his head or whether the situation is especially difficult and would try anyone. I'd find living with in-laws a bit of a strain especially for that long.
It's possible he's being manipulative, but it's not the only option and if he is, he could be doing so from a place of bad mental health rather thank knowingly, calculatingly etc.

"Wow no wonder men have problems with mental health issues. When they confide, women (not you op) judge them as manipulative and immature."

I can't speak for anyone else but I'd certainly be saying the same if the subject was a woman. People who want to harm themselves don't do it to manipulate others into doing what they want. A woman saying that her dh needed to bend to her will for fear of her harming herself would be just as manipulative imo.

Exactly what Gloomy said.

I work with teenagers who have cut themselves on occasion, and it's not something that people "threaten" to do when things don't go their way.

He sounds incredibly frustrated by the insularity of his current life, however comfortable it may be.

Sounds like he hates/can't cope with being a dad.

3Changing
If OP had posted "we've just had a baby and my partner has depression and has been talking about Cutting himself" we'd all be falling over ourselves trying to help

Look at the situation. She said "no" to him and his wilful fantasies. He comes back to say "now I want to cut myself" (subtext - unless you say yes).
It is manipulative. It's a text book abusers tactic (if you leave I'll kill myself).
It's very important to understand the difference between someone who is genuinely suffering and someone who is manipulative and only suffering because they've been told "no".

Gncq has it. Exactly this.