What do I do

[confusedmutha]

Married (happily on my part) since 2000
2014 June husband was somewhat distant
His phone was on my dresser
Msg popped up from woman we both know and on his side of family
I click n read a few msgs
They have made aliases and he is complimenting her waist
She is sharing her sorrows coz her husband is an alcoholic
She said she feels better after telling him her problems
He is saying all will get better
I confront him after a few days n he says it was nothing (!)
He says sorry etc etc etc etc
It takes me a good year to forget this
2016 I go abroad to a wedding where above woman was also attending. I tell her I know all about the chats they shared n warned her to stay away from husband as he was arriving after a week
So a week away from him n he is out shopping
We are on FaceTime as I needed to check my outfit colours with him and he was outside a store
I ask him what he bought n he says a shirt n some pants
I think nothing of it
He arrives n happy holidays for us all
We return home n a day later whilst putting things away I find receipt from that store he was at and it was from that exact day n time we had the FaceTime chat
He bought ladies underwear and clothes
Found another receipt for a few minutes later for make up n nail polish n very expensive contouring brushes
Both receipts totalled nearly half a grand in just a few minutes
I get happy thinking he has bought me gifts as Valentine's Day was just a few days after n i know he wouldn't have time to get anything for me once we returned from holiday as we both had to go straight to work
Valentine's Day comes n goes
Not a dicky bird for me
I ask him if he is getting me something later for valentines
He says he doesn't have time to go shopping
I wait till the 16th then ask him why was he buying underwear n make up whilst I was away
He denies it
I leave it
I probe him again daily and tell him I have seen the receipts
(From the 14th onwards I removed nighttime wife duties saying i was tired headache etc etc)
On the 18th I block his way from going out of the house until he tells me who has the things he bought
He point blank lies n says he doesn't know anything about it
I didn't budge from the door
I can feel the rage in me rising n I start getting teary eyed knowing my husband is lying to my face
He cracks n says he bought it for a friend
I said you don't buy underwear for just a friend
I asked him is it for an ex that he could have potential met up with whilst we were abroad(in his birth country) and he said yes
I move aside and let him go to work
All this is followed by me ignoring him and crying myself to sleep while he tries to pull me in for a hug
Endless sorrys n he knows he hurt me etc etc
I ask him where did he find time to give the stuff to her as we were together most of the time
He says he threw it in the bin before he got on the plane
I dont believe him
I tell him to delete the numbers
he said he already has
Kids are involved so we carry on as normal but I'm full of hate n can't even look at him
He can't even look me in the eyes
Now present day I seen him deleting chats from social media
I am sure he is still in touch with the ex
I ask him what he is doing deleting stuff
He said he hasn't but I have proof he has
He said he has also seen me deleting chats
I never have as I have nothing to hide
He never leaves his phone unattended
It's on silent 99% of the time
Mine is hardly on me and never on silence
He knows my password but his is fingerprint locked
I'm currently ignoring him but it's difficult in front of the kids to pretend all is normal
With his happening twice and now the chat deleting I'm losing respect for him like water through a sieve
He is otherwise a good guy and good father and he was an amazing husband up till the first issue

I don't know what I expect from you but I just needed to get if off my head before I went crazy

This is NOT normal! You should have left him the first time he treated you like a fool. What do they say... Fool me once? Etc

Please for the love of God kick his sorry ass out of the house and recover your self confidence. You do not have to tolerate being treated like a fool. Ever.

I haven't much useful to say, but I wouldn't have any respect or trust for him either. I didn't think what happened with the woman sounded so bad, but the buying gifts and lying would be a huge issue for me.

Please muster the dignity to leave him op, he is treating you like a fool. He isn't a good guy, he has lied to you for years. Next time he is engrossed in his phone ask him to hand it over. Tell him his marriage at stake if he doesn't. His response will tell you what you need to know, should you need 'proof' before leaving.

Just asked him if he is still messing with ex
He said no
I said I'd like to look at his Fone
He said no
I just said well I hope she is worth it
He replied with nothing is worth it if I don't have u in my life

This was all by text
Now he has gone for a nap without having lunch

And what about you? What are you thinking/going to do?

I have been there and I sympathise, it's the not knowing that's the worst bit, I'd suggest sneak upstairs while he's asleep, get his finger/thumb and unlock he's phone 🙈 if he's not going to come out with what's going on then you need to know the truth before it drives you mad

What are you getting out of this relationship now.

He is taking you for a mug and this was over the first time he cheated on you with this woman.

Do not stay because of your children and no he is not a good father to them either. They are no reason to stay with him. You need to teach them healthy relationship lessons and staying with a cheat because of them will do them no favours at all. They can also pick up on the antipathy you have towards your h. Good people generally speaking do not cheat on their partners. This is all on him, he chose to do this and drop a grenade into your marriage.

Read the chumplady website too, it could help you no end here.

He has gone for a nap ........ MY ARSE

He is texting the ow telling her what a push over you are. Tell him to pack his bags and fuck off to other womans

2016? You have been living like this for 2 years?
If I could find it in me to forgive a lying husband that had bought lingerie for another woman, I'd be throwing his stuff out of the window the minute he is not completely open - and that includes his phone. If you have to sneak around to find an answer you already have it.

Queenbee how did u cope and what was yr outcome?

Letsdolunch he is sleeping coz he is infront of me
Phone on charge but right next to him

He's just feeding you the odd "I couldn't live without you" line thinking he's keeping you sweet, when in reality he isn't doing anything to keep you happy and feeling secure.

I couldn't be bothered with him, if I was in your shoes.

He isn’t a good guy. Good men do not behave like this. Good men don’t lie and repeatedly cheat

He’s doing it because he gets away with it and he knows that. There’s never any consequences for his actions. He knows you’ll forgive him which is why he does this.

if he is sleeping can you use his finger to open his phone?

@confusedmutha I didn't cope I went crazy, I followed him, I got into he's phone found messages and pics that they'd sent each other, on the same day as finding these photos I caught them together in bed watching a film (I'd kicked him out the day before so he was at he's mothers)

Always go with your gut, if you feel he's cheating then he normally is, I listened to my head because I let him get into it telling me that I was crazy and that he'd never cheat

Bloody hell, please get away from this cheating arsehole, why are you continuing to allow him to treat you like utter shit, it's him who has fucked everything, not you, you will have zero self respect if you carry this on; he's doing it as has been said upthread because he gets away with it, he has no respect for himself and even less for you, please wake up and look after yourself, he bloody is!

What do you actually need to see to kick you out of your inertia?

He spent about £500 on women's clothes and make-up and then threw it away? Unless he's trying out for RuPaul's drag race, it's painfully obvious bullshit.

He naps peacefully while you're miserable and in pain.

You need to accept that he's very unlikely to admit what he's doing and you won't necessarily get absolute proof he's screwing this other woman. But really, does it matter? Spunking away £500 and not getting you a Valentine is bad enough. You know what's going on.

It's been happening for 4 whole years

Just to clarify that both of these women are in another country
If anything is going on now it's through messaging apps

So does that make it acceptable to you?

The £500 is still spent, he's still lying to you, still chasing other women and still treating you shabbily. Does only the physical act matter?

Went through his Fone
Checked all calls
checked all apps
checked all pictures n screenshots
Checked recently deleted pictures
Went into WhatsApp n searched for their names
No sign of anything wrong anywhere
His screensaver n background is picture of me n kids n of all of us
He has no apps that I don't have
Now I'm thinking has he seriously thought what he was about to lose n stopped messing around
Will check it again in the middle of the day if I get chance

Does he have a Samsung with a secure folder? He could hide things in there.

Until he starts again when the heat is off.

It's up to you if you want to stick it out for another go-round. From the outside, it looks like a repeating pattern and that you don't & can't trust him. Which is a horrible way to live. But your choice.

Ooh I'm watching him like a hawk
He knows I'm onto him
If I even as much as get a doubt I'm off
He will be left to run business alone and without me there he won't be able to go out for essentials