My father is narcissistic, how do I tell my mum?

[pollyname]

After quite a bit of therapy I now believe my father to be narcissistic - I won't flesh out the details here, but he ticks a lot of boxes. Our family life centred around all of us praising him and him constantly pointing out our faults (true or otherwise).

My mum and I have always been honest about his behaviour to each other. Should I tell my mum I think he is a narcissist? For me it's been freeing realising it, but I think she will be devastated. It feels like a very true diagnosis, but pretty damning. My siblings have huge issues about being unlovable but idolise my father.

Any recommended readings for those with narcissistic parents? All I could find was books on mother's.... . I'm also now massively worried about passing this onto my own child - I'm very loving but probably more strict than other mothers I know, any advice here too would be appreciated!

Would suggest you read "Children of the Self Absorbed" written by Nina W Brown as a starting point.

Your mother would not in all likelihood believe you or perhaps even want to think that you are at all right re what has been and is her choice of husband. What are her roles here in your family of origin; people from dysfunctional families end up playing roles. She gets what she wants out of that relationship with him and has stayed with him for her own reasons. She has also utterly failed to protect you and your siblings from his malign behaviours so I would not let her off the hook at all.

I think your worries re your child are unfounded mainly because you are not a narcissist. You have two qualities that your dad lacks; empathy and insight. I would however, keep any children you go onto have well away from both your parents. One generation i.e. you people have been already affected by narcissism and narcissists and their enabler make for being deplorably bad grandparent figures too.

Thanks Attila, I've ordered the book. It was actually seeing my father with my son that made me confront everything - his bad behaviour when DS wasn't acting doting enough, him getting mean to DS when things didn't go his way... I can't believe we've all lived like this for so long, it's been huge to confront.

Attila is right , your mother wont believe you (she has grown used to his behaviour )
my brother and my mother were both NCPD

we warned his girlfriend , before she married him thankfully he and my mother were finally exposed much to the delight of the rest of the family

your father wont accept he has a NCPD , I see many people finally getting free from destructive partners and finally divorce these monsters

Unless you're a qualified Psychiatrist then no. You only think your father is a narcissist you're not qualified to make that diagnosis and it'll only cause pain for your other family members.

Depends what you mean - he sounds narcissistic, but whether he’s a narcissist in the pathological sense is unknowable without psychiatric assessment.

There are many narcissistic people who do not have a personality disorder. Way too many people on here ‘diagnose’ NPD when they’re just talking about selfish and self-absorbed people.

Personality disorders are serious mental disorders - to qualify generally symptoms have to be serious enough that a person’s ability to function in the workplace or develop meaningful relationships is significantly impaired.

There are lots of ‘are you a narcissist?’ quizzes on the internet - this may be a gentle way to show your mum by doing ‘let’s do this for dad’.
What was his childhood like? If he has a narcissist personality disorder his childhood experience may hold clues.