Old friend shed some light on a sticky situation, now worried, should I be?

[EmilyandLola]

Don't know really whether to bother changing my name. If you know me in RL then pity you, and don't admit it!

This does sound odd, but, a girl who went to school with my older sister called me the other day and asked me to go round for coffee (shes 20 years my senior and has just moved back to area with new hubby etc - wanted to catch up, we were friendly before she moved to Surrey)

any way, went round, had nice time, we got talking about my DP, I reminded her of her reaction when she found out him and I were dating, etc,(her reaction wasnt nice to put it mildly, but I was too young to notice) any way - to cut long story a bit shorter, she admitted to have known him for years, (which I sort of knew, as he had dated her cousin about 8 years ago)

She told me he used to beat her, he really beat her a couple of times, braking her ribs was mentioned once, and other unkind things - he dealt drugs (after a huge argument with my brother, when he told me that DP had been dealing drugs in his early 20's DP swore on my life he never had, and friend confirmed that DP was always the bloke that you could "score" off, - my views on drugs arent very accepting, and he lied to me, even swore on my life!!! and really put the shit between my brother and I, any way - friend was worried if he's ever been like that towards me, violent I mean,

which he hasnt, to give him some credit I suppose. But, this has worried me in the past, he is a very deceitful person, and manipulative, god why am I with him? He's very controlling, and once he smashed the house up - when I tried to leave him, then turned the water works on and was so remorseful I didnt leave.

Im not scared of him, I just dont know whether to confront about his EX, or leave it - or leave?

I know if I am in love

are you really in loe with this person or are you jsut staying with him? what reason would your brother have to lie about your p?

"this has worried me in the past, he is a very deceitful person, and manipulative, god why am I with him? He's very controlling, and once he smashed the house up - when I tried to leave him, then turned the water works on and was so remorseful I didnt leave. "

sweetheart, smashing the house up would suggest a violent nature to me whether or not he has laid a finger on you. imho this is a relationship thats damaging for you but i cannot tell you what to do, just provide a listening ear

The thing about my brother - was when I told family I was PG, and I thought my brother was just doing the protective older brother thing and looking out for me, because he was trying to tell me the truth about DP.
Brother told me that DP was a drug dealer back at 6th form and at parties etc. When I confronted DP he assured me that my brother was just looking out for me, and he said I should think for myself etc, which when I look back makes me think he was manipulating me to take DP's side.

Regardless, I moved in with DP< and my brother and I fell out, he's only spoken to me 3 or 4 times since - and I feel shit now, I took DP's side over my lovely brother

maybe you could make up with your brother? suggest somewhere thats neutral and if dp asks where you're going (not that it's really any of his business) say i'm off to meet bro and note his reaction maybe

I have made up things between him and I, and we talk now some times.

Things with DP are becoming strained because I don't know how to react around him now.

What a horrible situation . How are things between you and DP at the moment? The history of violence would ring huge alarm bells for me, but if you want to stay with him I think you need to talk to him about this - andhe needs to be honest with you.

and in answer to your OP, yes I think you should be worried. Do you have people in Rl you can talk to about this (besides the friend you mention?)

i have a feeling if I confronted him, he would get his hackles up and spin it round on me, he normally does...

What is the alternative? Are you happy to have this hanging over you? I'd be worried about what would happen the next time we had an argument

Think you need to work out exactly what you want him to do first.

Your man sounds very insecure, he hasn't been able to be truthful with you because he fears losing you. Perhaps being with you has changed his life and helped him stop all his harmful previous behaviours? How long have you been with him?

I wonder if your dp, when you asked him about it, genuinely didn't feel that he was a drug dealer in the past but that he supplied drugs for friends? I know that might not be a distinction that you would make but he might think of drug dealers as big tough guys with a load of minnions and raking in the cash whereas he might not have made any money from it to speak of and may have thought he was just being helpful, like the 18yr old who buys the booze for an underage party and then sells it on to the 16yr olds.

The violence is very worryting though, especially when you describe the way he has damaged your home and he can be controlling.

How long have you been together?

I don't want to be alarmist, but if the worst did happen - if he hit you -do you have somewhere you could go with your DD? OK so it might never happen but you might need an emergency plan.