Shouty husband

[SBSparkles]

My husband and I have always argued a lot but it is getting out of hand now that we have a little boy. I nag at him a lot but he can be very testing in that he can't seem to do anything with my input or I have to redo things because he does them wrong. Today he put my connecta in the wash and I was worried he'd ruined it and said so and he totally lost it. He started yelling at me in from of our son saying he hated his life and he wanted to hang himself. In the past he's smashed things up but never since our son was born. But he's called me many swear words including a c**t in front of our boy and often shouts 'shut up' at me. His friends often describe him as volatile and he's been like this with other people too. I've told him he needs therapy and that I will leave him as it's bad for our son to hear this but he never does get help. He says he's depressed but isn't going to get help. I have no family and nowhere to go. At other times he ms incredibly loving and kind and a wonderful father to our son. We are actually very much in love he just has this awful aggressive shouty side to him. Please help.

That's not a healthy environment for your son at all and you don't want your son learning that behaviour, do you? I would not being staying with him unless he started seeing someone about those anger issues

This is not a good situation to be in, OP, and I think you know that. Whatever the cause of his obvious problems, you and your child are sharing a home with a volatile, aggressive man and there's every chance his behaviour could escalate . It's already a damaging situation for your son to be in and you really REALLY have to put him first - which means that loving your partner and focusing on what might be his good points are irrelevant right now. You need to remove both of you from this abusive situation or ask your partner to leave (and mean it). I read a lot of threads like this and there's always great support and advice, and lots of MNers will be able to provide contact details for organisations that provide support and insight into your situation (Women's Aid comes to mind). This seems to be a sadly common thing for women so you're not alone and you DO have options. They might not be easy ones but you owe it to yourself and your child to pursue them. Best of luck x

You know you need to get out of this.
What is the housing situation?
Mortgaged? Rented? In who's name?
Please do call Womens Aid.
If you need help with housing and benefits then contact CAB and Shelter.
You need to get away as a priority now.
Your poor DS should not be in this environment.
And neither should you!

Please take heed of what has already been advised. Your son gets one childhood so do not do your bit here to further mess it up for him by staying with his dad. He is and already has done your son more than enough harm already by allowing him to see you as his mum being abused. What do you think your son is learning about relationships from the two of you; would you want him to treat his lady love like you are?. No you would not and this relationship with your H should be at an end. Its over anyway due to his abuses of you. The nice part of this man is really the nice part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one. He does not stay nice for long.

No, your H is not a wonderful father to his son when he abuses you as his mother like he has done. Women in poor relationships often write such comments when they can think of nothing positive to write about their man. Also his threats to kill himself are also manipulative and designed to keep you both quiet and obedient to him. He knows well and truly how to keep you under his coercive control. He is not going to get any therapy and he is beyond help anyway because he thinks that you are responsible. Such men hate women, all of them including their own mother. Have a look at his parents OP, chances are that one or worse both of them act like he does too.

Many such men like your H cite depression as an excuse for their abusive behaviour. It is not. Depression doesn’t lead to abuse, and not all people with depression are abusive. It’s more accurate to say that sometimes, abusive people also have depression.
And if people with depression are capable of controlling behavior, then they are also culpable for it.

Remember too that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

Abusive partners use fear to control their significant others. Physical violence is one way they instill fear. Threatening to harm themselves is another. Your man may never lay a hand on you, but that doesn’t mean that they’re not trying to intimidate you. If they threaten to harm or kill themselves whenever there’s a disagreement, they are being abusive.

"I've told him he needs therapy and that I will leave him as it's bad for our son to hear this but he never does get help."

He has learned that you don't follow through with your threat and he is free to continue abusing you as he wishes. Until something changes, he won't change. And as already said, the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

To begin with you could try and find someone to stay with, or ask him to leave to give you space. But men like this don't seem to change unfortunately.