Asked too may times "are you OK?" - does this merit reaction?

[JulosMac76]

Having come back from a lovely week's holiday without the kids we came back to earth with a bump last week, usual stresses and strains of normal life...OH has been looking miserable and been quite stand off-ish. Last night, all was normal but I've clearly been checking up on him too much, asked if he was OK, he said "fine" (in a not OK way), then I said I didn't feel like he was. TV was switched off and rant ensued about how I want to push his buttons until he cracks. He went apeshit....
I understand it is annoying being asked if you're OK too many times, I see that now and apologised at the time but this morning is a frosty silence after a long row about it last night.
AIBU?

He engineered this argument entirely.

He is very good isn't he; good at manipulating you that is so that it becomes all your fault again. His reactions are disproportionate and his silence this morning also smacks of emotional abuse. Its another way of exerting power and control over you and this whole relationship. The responsibility for his miserable and stand offish behaviour followed by silence here is all his, not yours to own or carry for him.

Which also leads me to this question - why are you together at all now?. What are you getting out of this relationship?.

I don’t think his reaction was about you asking if he was OK. I think there is something else going to make him so annoyed.

I think you need to tell him that that at some point in the next few days you need to talk about what is going on.

It is a big issue that he starts arguments, I eventually lose my shit, then he will calm down so that, in the end, it looks like I've gone OTT. I've cottoned on to this now and pointed it out last night. I asked him to leave at one point last night and wondered how he could explain that we'd had a huge fall out over his partner enquiring about his welfare too much.

We're together because 90% of the time things are good, we have 4 kids between us and live a generally satisfying life.
His ex was v subdued (probably submissive), I am a "challenge" and it doesn't sit well with the alpha male ego.
10%/90% isn't enough of a balance for me. When the tension clears I'm going to speak to him about next steps to be taken to end the relationship.

He is not ok.
He wants you to know he is not ok.
He wants to punish you.

Was there a reason you went on holiday without the children?

Stop asking if he's ok. He doesn't deserve it. He will give you the silent treatment now. Ignore him. Don't try to talk to him. Get on with your day. When he comes out of his k he better have a good explanation for his behaviour.
Oh and don't apologise for asking if he's ok. That's what normal loving partners do -

Cross post. Yes youre much better of without him.

Sounds like with the holiday over he has reverted to his normal, unpleasant 10% (or more?) of time behaviour: moody and unreasonable at best, or emotionally abusive.

I guess “are you ok” could be perceived as passive aggressive. He might react better to “you’re obviously not ok, what is wrong?”

He could just be an arsehole.

But if that’s not it is he stressed. My dh has really really serious back to work blues right now. Things happened at work while he was off. His first instinct is to deny he’s stressed and deny he’s been logging into work email (because he’s ashamed and he knows he shouldn’t have). But I just tell him I know he’s not ok and to tell me what’s up. Because he’s not an arsehole, he does.

An alternative to asking him if he is OK could be something like: “you are doing X (eg being short/moody with me/the DC). This is negatively affecting me / the DC. I feel Y. Please stop it/do Z”.

I'm just fed up....such a ludicrous reason to have a row. We tackle all the big, stressy issues in life and argue over ridiculousness, a gaping hole of three days is left, then revert to normal. This isn't healthy!

Is the three days each time him sulking? If so that’s emotionally abusive.

pretty much, although right now I don't know that I even want to talk to him either!

My DH pulls this shit. I just ignore him and carry on doing whatever I'm doing with the kids.

It doesn't make for a happy existence

You have my sympathy

Would carry on as normal and ignore him and his associated three days of sulking behaviour. Sulking behaviour is emotionally abusive behaviour.

The only level of abuse acceptable in a relationship is NONE.
I was also wondering how you actually arrived at a figure of 90% in terms of things are good (probably more good for him as well) when in all likelihood it is nowhere near that. My guess too is that he is not going to let you go that easily and will make your exit from this as long and painful as possible (as his punishment to and for you ending it). This does not mean you should not leave him though, the freedom from him will be worth it.

Julos

You write OH in relation to him; is he your partner rather than your husband?.

What is the situation re the finances and property?. Are you named on a mortgage or title deeds?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. This is no ideal relationship model for them to be learning from.

Maybe my 90% shout is optimistic.

He's going to be the one who has to leave... I've put £30K into our house from my previous marital home. His share of a similar amount from his previous martial home is still in our savings, so it would make sense for him to use this for somewhere else. Am I getting ahead of myself?!

Hi Attila,

Yes, we have a joint mortgage. Kids are always oblivious when this goes on - he is very good at "normality". When things are to be discussed it is behind closed doors and when the kids are not around. They are all teenagers.

Some people sulk to get a reaction. Others simply go quiet because that's the way they deal with their bad moods. On their own. They don't want to have to talk about it and explain themselves before they've processed whatever it is that's bothering them. It doesn't help. It just makes it worse to be pressurised into opening up before they're ready. So, if you keep on asking what's the matter, because you're the sort of person who thinks it's helpful to talk about your problems, from his pov, you're being deliberately annoying. And he's driving you crazy by shutting down. So there's a row.

If everything is generally OK, this sounds like a personality clash. Can you talk about it when you're both in a good mood? Once he's in a bad one, can you simply back off and resist making it worse? It won't last as long. Can he make more of an effort to fake being OK without dragging everyone else down? Do you think you can both admit how annoying you're being, or would talking to an outsider help you come to some sort of solution?

Ug I’ve had similar recently with a close friend. They were clearly not ok but were hostile when I asked. After a couple of weeks of them generally acting like a dick (not returning messsges, being hostile) which really upset me I called them out on it and it all came out as a justification how bad they are feeling at present, how bad their mental health is etc.

I still can’t decide if it’s them having mh issues or if I am being manipulated?

The DC will have noticed

My dh does this. God it’s annoying. Doesn’t help that I have resting sad face. (Strangers have stopped me in the street to ask me if I’m ok)

Once I saw his dad do exactly the same to his mum. So I know where he gets it from. We all had a good laugh about it.

We talked about it. Now he just asks and accepts the answer or says ‘is there anything you want to talk about?’ That’s my cue that I am not acting like I am fine and he is checking in. If I say I’m fine, it’s dropped and it’s on me if there really is something wrong.

But there has never been an argument. Sometimes if he has asked a few to many times I give him a big kiss and cuddle and say thank you for caring, but seriously! I’m ok.

thanks everyone. Personality clash is a big part of it, different ways of coping with things. Regardless, and regardless of how annoying I may have (probably was) being I just don't see that it excuses flying off the handle in such a fashion.