When is enough, enough?

[StarlightSparkle]

Backstory is I have been trying to rebuild my marriage for the past year since uncovering my H’s affair (2 months long, ended when I discovered it). Since then we have done all the ‘right’ things - made a plan to address the issues we had in our relationship, been to marriage counselling and made an effort to spend more time together as a couple.

In the early days, post-discovery, I went through a period of thinking we could fix things (hysterical bonding) but over time the doubts have crept in and now I am really struggling. My H has been making a huge effort and has been much less selfish and a lot more focussed on the family since all this happened but it’s got to the point where I don’t even really want to talk to him let alone have a physical relationship.

I wanted to try and make things work for the DC’s sake (both primary school aged) but I’m now really finding it hard to see a way forward. There seem to be loads of women (and men) who manage to forgive in this situation so why can’t I? Surely the fact he’s been really remorseful and is trying to change should count for something but I’m still really unhappy. I know I should probably end things but it seems so daunting.

You know enough is enough when you post here due to your desperation. You didn't cause your husband to cheat. He chose all on his own to throw your marriage away. You don't trust him anymore and why would you? It's over.

And to add... Of COURSE he's remorseful. He's remorseful he got caught. If he actually gave a fuck he never would have cheated to begin with.

Aquamarine, you are right. He admitted he had no immediate plans to end the affair and thought it would eventually ‘fizzle out’ - I would never have known about it.

He’s remorseful because we had a good life and now it’s all going to be lost and he doesn’t want that, but it’s just a shame he didn’t think about that at the time. I’m so angry with him.

There seem to be loads of women (and men) who manage to forgive in this situation so why can’t I?
Some - not necessarily loads and not everyone can forgive and forget.
I couldn't
Cheating is my total deal-breaker.
You don't have to keep going just because others do.
You can call time on this whenever you want.
There is no right or wrong here.
It's about YOU and what you want from here on in.
It's been a year. You have tried.
But HE did this.

So what does separation look like?
Have a look into that and then see where you go from there.

Is there any chance you could have a trial seperation? Give yourself some thinking space without him around on a daily basis.

Don't ever think because others get over it that you should. You are your own person. Please don't think it's on you to get over it and be happy with him.

Just as you haven't left..many others leave on discovery. No hysterical bonding...nothing. They're done because it's an instant dealbreaker for them.

In actual fact many stay together...but the affair never fully leaves their mind. It's like an indelible stain on the marriage.

You can look away from it...but it becomes a part of your marriage.

How long was the affair?
What reason/excuse did he give for It? Because that can indicate whether he felt entitled and it could happen again?

He had an affair...got to have fun and sex with another woman and he's not seemingly had any consequences. Was there even a moment he thought you'd end the marriage?

Going through the same thing except I did try and forgive and move on to have him do it again, I know it’s the end as there’s no way we can possibly move forward but the reality is so scary.

Don't limit yourself to a decision straight away. If it's over it's over, don't feel guilt because you have tried. My DH has had a brief emotional affair and prior to the discovery cheating was my hard line. I'm still here a few weeks on as we have kids and I won't make a permanent decision until I'm sure for their sake. I'm still here as he had finished the affair and due to an app that allowed me to download all their deleted texts I can see the OW asked several times for a physical affair and he refused. It was just enough to keep me here for therapy and some time BUT it may be, like you, as time goes on I will lose the will to keep fighting and leave. If I do it won't be because of what others have done, that's their relationship and their choice, it will be because I can't stay.

Do not beat yourself up, don't look at others. If he's broken it beyond repair that is on him you deal with what is best for YOU. Good luck OP

I agree with sandy, maybe go for a trial separation.

Although I've thankfully never been in the situation where I've had to forgive an affair, I really feel that it would be the end of the relationship for me. I have lots of admiration for people who can move past it, but I know myself, and I really don't think I'm one of those people.

Enough is when you know it's enough. This is your decision and no-one else's.

Thanks for all the responses.

hellsbells you always seem to have wise words. Separation looks scary, which is part of the problem I think. If money was no object then the only thing making me think twice would be the DC.

I do think cheating is a deal-breaker. Possibly a one night stand I could forgive but an affair is calculated, planned behaviour and can’t be just dismissed as ‘a mistake.’

Sandy, he has faced consequences as I threw him out initially for 6 weeks but I backtracked as I didn’t want to rush into such a major decision while I was still reeling from the shock. I decided I would regret not giving it a chance for the kids’ sake so that’s what I decided to do and he then moved back in.

Now that things are so strained between us that I can see that it’s not in the DC’s best interest for me to stay though, unless we are able to fix things. I don’t want them thinking that this is what a normal relationship looks like.

When it happened we were going through a rough patch, so he blamed that, plus our sex life had dwindled and he felt rejected by me. He swears blind he would never do anything like this again and I don’t think he would now while he’s trying hard, but in a few years when the dust has settled, who knows.

Tinkering and Bodabing I’m sorry that you are going through a similar thing. It’s so hard.

For the record Bodabing, I think it does make a difference that your H ended it before you found out. In my case it only ended because I found out about it. It was during the run up to Christmas, so we were doing lots of family things together and having a lovely time with the kids. I don’t know how he could act like everything was perfect when all along he was shagging another woman behind my back, and I later found out that he was in contact with her on those days. Who knows how long it would have gone on for; he had no plan to end things.

I think it’s fear of the unknown that is keeping me here, plus reluctance to put my DC through drastic changes as I couldn’t afford our house on my own and would probably have to change jobs as I work PT so it would be so much upheaval for them.

@Jadeddragon start your own thread I think.

I couldn’t forgive or forget my ‘h’ affair. I tried for 3 years but it simply ruined and trashed any trust or respect I had for him. Like you, we went through the hysterical bonding stage but then I couldn’t face a physical relationship with him, and was no longer attracted to him so just faked it. I stayed for the dc but realised that this wasn’t in their best interests eventually.

It ruined every good memory I had with him. Birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries all just led me back to his affair.

I always said to him I might have been able to forgive a ONS, but the level of decit and the lies he was capable of was staggering, and that was what I couldn’t cope with. I left him after 3 years, and within days I felt better, a whole weight was suddenly lifted and I could see the sunshine again, I wish I’d not left it for so long.

My now exh has always regretted it, And says even now it was his biggest mistake in life, but as sorry as he was/is I couldn’t get back what I ever felt for him.

@StarlightSparkle I don't think there's ever going to be a time where you won't wonder either way if you stay or go what could have been for you.
I don't think the trial separation is going to tell you the answers. It might show you that you can live practically and physically without your husband but that doesn't deal with the lingering, damaging emotional trauma and disillusionment. That requires something else.
Your husband might be trying to win you over and prove you are right to put the family first but ultimately he didn't. You will always have found out he will always have been caught.
I don't know what the answer is for you when enough is enough: only you know. If you know you can't carry on like this then I suppose there is your answer, but the fall out from following through with this decision will test it in many ways. That doesn't mean you should continue to stay though.

It's horrible isn't it Starlight. Yes he had ended it, it was not physical, she asked, he declined and in all the texts he professed his love for me and how he would never leave me BUT we are broken and I am far from convinced we can be fixed even though I believe he regrets it ultimately every cheater at some point makes that decision to over step the boundary and continue to do so. I'm not sure how anyone moves on from that. Wishing you all happiness for the future.