Just so tired of the uncertainty

[Noodledoodlesandspud]

I'll try and keep this brief.

Dh and I have had a rocky relationship in the past but we've been pretty good recently. Both making an effort, trying not to blame each other etc.

However in the past dh has lied about a few things, he had a brief emotional affair when ds1 was approx a year old. He spent some of my inheritance from my gran which we were saving for a house deposit (only £100 but still pissed me off). And we had just paid of his loans, credit cards etc that he had before we met (but I helped him pay off so we could start thinking about mortgages) and he took out another credit card and then lied when I found the statement and asked him about it.

Well yesterday I was opening the post and accidently opened something addressed to him and it was his business loan statement. It says he hasn't been paying his business loan back for the last few months. I rang him at work and asked him wtf was going on and he said it was a mistake and he would ring on Monday and sort it all out. I want to believe him but I have my doubts. He also has a way of talking when he's lying which is how he sounded yesterday. I'm not sure if I'm over thinking everything because of the past but I'm so sick of the uncertainty of it all.

To make it worse dh had a horrific childhood with all sorts of shit which is a whole different thread. My mum (who doesn't know about the lies etc and thinks of dh as her other son) made a comment "remember he has no family except you, the kids and us (meaning my family) so you have to make sure you are always there for him" if said dh was driving me crazy because he won't think for himself and do housework unless I ask him to so she was responding to a trivial matter without knowing the other stuff. I just feel so torn about what to do. (and obviously I don't want to take the kids away from their dad who is their idol).

I don't really know what the poibt of this post is except to vent.

I want to believe him

Are you fucking serious?!

Venting is all well and good but it will get you nowhere ultimately.
What are you getting out of this relationship now, what is in this for you still.

Your h has to date had an emotional affair, spent part of an inheritance and is still lying to you about his finances. You bailing him out previously was a mistake on your part, such enabling only gave you a false sense of control. Why did you enable him so?. My guess too is that he has no intention of paying back the business loan because he has no money. You only found out anyway about this because you opened this letter by mistake, he would not have told you anything.

Why are you with someone who is so inherently dishonest, what else is he lying about? Your mother should be told by you exactly what he is like and you should not cover for him any more. Many people as well have rubbish childhoods but do not all resort to having emotional affairs and lie openly to their spouse about money and the finances. Do not make such excuses for him. You sound more like his mother than his wife, this man simply wants someone to look after him. Your mother has also spouted rubbish here frankly re him which does not help you either.

Is this really whay you want to teach your children about relationships, it’s really no legacy to be leaving them. Your children may well idolise their dad (they do not, that is merely your perception) but all he cares about really is his own self and is prepared to lie openly to keep his own self afloat. I would certainly think his whole financial state is far worse than you think it is, at the very least l would now for full transparency which he will not likely give you really rubbish counsel as well and you do not have to be there fore him. Being there as you have done to date has done you little favour at all. Stay for your own reasons, do not use the children as a reason, the reason now, to stay with their dad. A man after all who has an emotional affair when your child was 12 months old. Why did you take him back then, the relationship was really over the first time he lied to your face.

You can't believe him. Ever. Liars lie. They dont change. they continue to lie.

You will always be the person who has to deal with everything. You’re always the responsible one. It will always be on you.

You will look at other people’s relationships and long to be part of a team, rather than feeling alone without support because you cannot trust your partner.

What are your options?

Sounds Like a gob shite but not necessarily an irredeemable one.

I would consider some couples counselling and asking him to get real about his finances, but so long as it's not affecting the roof over your head (not sure if it is or not) I wouldn't worry too much.

You may have to accept he's always going to be bad with money in which case if that's a deal breaker for you then leave.

If he's otherwise a positive asset to your life and this is his only vice then perhaps just ask him to be open with you but also cut him a little slack if he is, maybe he feels unable to talk to you about his financial problems because you've reacted strongly or badly in the past?

I don't know OP it's a lot down to how you feel X

My exh was exactly the same, emotional affair, hidden debt. I ended it and he's still in the same mess. He will never ever change. I m glad I got out as life is easier without the constant ' is he telling the truth' in the back of my mind. I have a good financial situation now, if I had stayed I may have ended up losing the house. My exh is still up shit creek, still telling lies. Except now I couldn't care less.
He has little family support, I wonder now if they have little to do with him because of how he is.

I always say no beating no cheating so it kind of depends if you feel like the emotional affair was cheating or mucking up.

Thanks everyone. I still really don't know how I feel. Im going to wait until tomorrow and I sit on being there when he phones the loan company to hear what happens. If he hasn't been paying it then he'll struggle to get out of that one.

I still feel so torn. He can be so loving and kind but I always have that doubt in the back of my mind.

This sounds exactly like my partner. Lies and makes excuses up for his behaviour because he can’t face the truth that it is his responsibility.

Look at the evidence. If you have received a letter saying that his business loan has not been paid for some time now, then guess what?

It has not been paid.

Please don’t let his lies manipulate your mind in to thinking otherwise you have the proof right in front of you.

Well I think my relationship is over. He has been lying. And I just snapped and told him to go. I can't stop crying.

Take this chapter a day at a time, it is natural to feel the way you do. Hugs to you 💐

I’m so sorry. In the long term you will be ok. Just take each day as it comes, Hope you’ve got someone to support you.

Hi OP.

I'm sorry about what you're going through. The title of your thread says it all. My husband is useless with money. He doesn't lie but the outcome is always the same. We end up in shit creak every month - due to his recklessness, lack of care and thought. It is a horrible way to live. You're saving yourself a lot of unhappiness down the line. It takes a lot of reflection and effort to change. How we handle money is wired in to us from childhood and your husband and mine can't or won't do the right thing. And they don't care about what that does to the people they are meant to love and look after.

You will be happier without all this.

Thank you. We've agreed to sit down tonight and sort out the practical things, especially where the children are concerned. It couldnt have come at a worse time. I start my new job on Thursday working shift. I now have to sort some very completed childcare arrangements. I definitely need to take one day at a time. I'm already panicking about arrangements we have for Christmas etc but I need to get now sorted and then deal with the rest.