Falling for best friend, how do I deal with this?

[realhousewife27]

Hi everyone,

Please don't shoot me down because I already feel awful about this and I can't speak to anyone else about it! I've been married for nearly 12 years, we have 3 children and I still very much love my husband but recently I've started to have feelings for my best friend. I love spending time with him but recently I've started to see him in a different light. I would never leave my husband for him because I know the feelings aren't mutual and I don't actually want to end my marriage. Also I would never let my friend know about this because I wouldn't want to lose him! I just want to go back to seeing him as a friend because this is killing me! When I see him spending time with other people I even feel jealous! I really don't want to feel this way! Has anyone else felt like this and managed to get through it without losing their friend? I just want to get over this!

Want some advice from an older woman? (in my sixties) If not, just ignore From my experience which is myself, friends and work colleagues (both male and female) when you're getting over interested in someone else (friend or otherwise) it usually means there is something missing from your own marriage. This could be something just now or crept in over the years. I experienced this when I was 35, I can still remember how confused and miserable I felt. Had to deeply explore feelings about my 16 year marriage instead of turning to the friend I fancied. Was very difficult and took a full year to recognise that I needed to divorce. I later married again (not the friend). Fortunately I didn't spoil that friendship by revealing how I felt. Can you do this, do you think? Explore your marriage, with the help of counselling or friends or possibly self help sites online? I feel for you, screws your head up.

Thank you so much for your reply. I don't feel like there is anything missing from my marriage and I know my husband would never be interested in any help. We don't have a lot of time together because of our working patterns but we both get on very well and still have a good physical relationship. We rarely argue and I couldn't imagine my life without him in it but I can't shake this feeling about this other person. I look forward to seeing him and when I do I get butterflies in my tummy and feel a little bit nervous. This would be really exciting if I was single and something was going to happen between us but I know it won't and I just want it to go away!

Awful, isn't it? I should have added, just because mine ended in divorce I don't mean to say yours will. One friend, who'd convinced herself she was falling for her swimming instructor (who'd she'd been friend's with for years) realised she did have a few issues and they were resolved. Still married now, years later. Is it possible that the fact you don't have a lot of time together is bothering you more than you realise? How does DH feel about this? Do you have DC or are you planning too? I bet right at this moment you'd rather I talk about the excitement you're feeling about your friend? That's how I was. Is there a close friend or relative you could talk to? Also, if you do get some help, you can go alone you know. Although they do sometimes ask to include DH later on.

I can't tell anyone about this. I do have a close female friend who I've considered telling but I feel like I'm opening a can of worms. I know what you mean about talking about him. I could talk about him for hours and sometimes try to get him into the conversation but I try to stop myself because I don't want to seem too obvious. My husband is fully aware of our friendship and knows how close we are but isn't aware of my feelings. Although it's always been something we've joked about (how ironic). We have 3 children.

And I bet you're waiting for his phone calls and texts? When it happened to me years ago, there was no such thing as texting Is there any way you can have counselling? If you're on a low income or benefits you can get reduced rates.

Yes! And if he doesn't reply it makes me feel down but then when he does I feel elated! I will think about counselling. Not sure how I feel about it or whether I feel it's necessary. I'm hoping these feelings will go away on their own soon enough!

I think when we get married after a while our spouse becomes our family and then you don’t have that excitement of a new relationship new partner , like when you have a family when youre young but have a boyfriend . I’m not explaining myself very well, I apologise .
The thrills we used to get from new encounters is buried deep within us , no longer needed . But sometimes they get sparked up hence people find their heads turned

Sorry, really shouldn't be mentioning counselling if you feel there's no need. It's because it worked for me and I was trying to think how to help. With me, I ended up becoming obsessed which is no good for mental health at all. Poshsausage is right, the thrills we used to get become buried and sometimes are sparked up with others. What about arranging a few "dates" with DH, so that when you do have time together it's just the two of you, away from the home?

I totally get what you're both saying about being with someone a while and you lose that 'spark'. Paffuto, I really get how these things can become an obsession and I can see how it can develop in to an obsession. If I text him, I will often put my phone on silent in a different room so I'm not checking my phone every 2 seconds wondering why he hasn't replied. Then if I feel like going to my phone to check it it gives me a couple of seconds to step back. I definitely need to arrange a date with my husband, it's been such a long time since we've had a date.