Is he insensitive or am I too sensitive?

[Slimerecipehell]

Been with oh over 3 years, both have own kids, looking to buy our own place, all lovely. When we talked about views on marriage early on I implied that I’d been there done that and it hadn’t worked. As the years have gone on I have changed my view but when I have dropped it in to the conversation he says ‘not gonna happen’ and this really hurts. He’s willing to commit to buying a property together but just says marriage is not happening then mumbles something about I didn’t want to back then. He’s very black and white but is he being insensitive or am I reading it wrong?

i think you are wrong. youndidnt want to get married before and now have changed your mind, why does that mean he has to?

You need to look into the implications of owning property if you're not married. e.g if one of you dies does that mean their half of the house goes to their DCs (or their ex to hold in trust for the DCs) etc? I'm not sure how it works but its definitely something I'll be looking into before committing to living with DP.

As for whether he's being insensitive or you're over-sensitive, he certainly sounds dismissive of your feelings. If you don't feel like you can have a conversation about important subjects like this then maybe he isn't the one for you anyway.

Personally, next time he mentioned buying a house I'd be petty and say "not gonna happen". Tell him without the legal protection of marriage you're not interested in investing with him. See how he likes it.

GreenLantern, he doesn't HAVE to change his mind, but relationships move on and he should at least be open to talking about it, not just shutting down discussion.

his blunt response is unpleasant - it's as if you asked for who know what unspeakable thing! He doesn't have to agree but should be nicer and more respectful to your point of view.

It’s neither.

It’s not insensitive of him to not want to be married to you, if that’s how he feels. Shitty, commitment phobic, doesn’t love you enough, wary of sharing his finances, could be any of these but not insensitive.

It’s perfectly reasonable of you (not sensitive) to be upset that he doesn’t want to be married to you.

Stop with the “dropping it into the conversation”, don’t be sidetracked by mumbling. Be assertive. If you want to be married before you buy a house together tell him. If he won’t commit, don’t buy the house.

It’s a big thing to drop into a conversation and has big implications if you both have children.

I assume you both have them named in your wills not each other. Otherwise they are currently next of kin. Marrying changes that fundamentally. It needs a good deal of consideration and additional agreements need to be drawn up to reflect your intentions.

I would have a proper discussion about why he thinks the way he does. Lots of men and women have issues with marriage because of this and also because they have tried it and not liked it.

It’s not a straightforward thing in your situations and you need to work through a lot of issues with regard to assets and inheritance. But you need to have that discussion anyway if you are buying a house together.

If you now want marriage and he doesn't...I'd remain living as you are.

There's no right or wrong.

I wouldn't buy a house with him without marriage. You'll likely end up doing so much 'wife' work and 'step parenting'.

Let him continue running his house and you run yours.

Before you buy a house together you need to decide where your lines in the sand are and then sit down as discuss this properly.

It’s an important issue.

I don’t think he’s insensitive but you do need to explain why you’ve changed your mind and why it’s important to you.

You also need to decide which bits are important, just the marriage or do you want a fancy wedding, or do you want both?

Work our what you want and then talk it through with him but don’t buy the house and then whine later.

You changed your mind, he may not have.

Thank you, Yes I think we need to talk properly, he was never anti marriage so it’s not like I’m making him change his mind but I suppose the truth is I don’t really know what he thinks. Only one way to find out!

I suppose the truth is I don’t really know what he thinks

I rather feel that given you both have DC you shouldn’t be thinking of moving in together unless you know each other well enough to have explicitly discussed all the “big questions”.

If you don’t know this do you know what he thinks about money and finances, wills (given step children in the mix), further children, parenting, retirement etc etc etc.

I don’t mean to sound harsh but this seems a fairly basic thing to not know.

At the beginning of your relationship you told him you weren't interested in marriage. Now you have changed your mind but what makes you believe he should, too? If you have the right to want certain things, so does he.

You do know what he thinks: "not gonna happen" is pretty clear.

But have the conversation and decide if it's a dealbreaker or not.

Seems like he doesn't want to marry you

I'd sit down and have a proper conversation about it. Dropping hints or casual mentions won't cut it.

I'd never buy a property with a man I'm not married to.