Have been cheated on but can't make myself leave him

[Sunshine103]

I've been thinking about this for quite some time and simply can't make a decision/don't know what to do. I wonder maybe some of you could share your experiences that would help me to come up with the solution.

We've been together nearly 4 years now, not married, no kids or mortgage, I'm independent financially.

Nearly a year ago found out my dear boyfriend cheated on me with escorts. (Got onto his phone as could feel something was not right.) He was depressed and going through really tough time at work and kept on constantly drinking. I confronted him but at the same time he was in a process of being made to leave his job so as expected the topic has never been revisited (I felt it's wrong to make him feel suffer even more at the time). He was not in a good mental state so I sort of just let it go at the time.

He took a break from work to recover mentally. Which s fine by me. He still drinks too much which makes me annoyed even more.

The "anniversary" of him cheating is approaching and I don't think i received any closure on this. I don't know what to do. I don't think I can just carry on staying quiet about all this. I don't feel strong enough to bring it up for a serious adult discussion either. As he would make it extremely stressful for me and would start making me feel worthless.

I feel he doesn't want to have sex with me anymore. It feels that he does it because it's his "duty" to do it or it will cheer me up. I don't feel he wants me anymore.

I'm t the stage where I'm unhappy but can't make myself do anything. It would seem that the only way things would move ahead is that either: a) I hack his phone again and see him cheating on me again; b) he gets really drunk and does something leaving me no choice but just leave him; c) cheat on him myself to get everything ruined completely (I caught myself thinking about other men but haven't done anything with anyone)

I just want to have normal discussion with him but it hasn't worked in the past, why would it do now. I can't just leave everything as it doesn't feel right. Do i need to make myself to cheat on him and then everything would be totally ruined and would leave me no choice? I don't know how to make myself feel better and sort this situation out. I love him but I'm very bitter of what has happened over the last years (he was abusive towards me when drunk quite few times when going through his depressive cycles which seem to be never ending). Him not wanting me sexually makes me feel upset and it brings my self-esteem down. I've been masturbating a lot in the last year... It frustrates me. It would be nice to get touched and made love to by him more often.

I usually just get busy with work and try not to think about all this which is wrong.

If you’re serious about staying you need to go through counselling and make him verbalize why he doesn’t fancy you any more (my guess is you probably already have an inkling?) You also need to verbalize how betrayed you feel. If the counselling doesn’t work then you should seriously consider ending things.

What about

(d) you do the Freedom Programme

(e) you get some counselling for yourself and work out why you find it so hard to leave

(f) you read the book by Lundy Bancroft “ why does he do that ?”

You don’t need to wait for anothr reason to leave - if you’re unhappy in the relationship then you don’t have to stay in it.

So he’s a cheat with a drink problem. Was that really what you hoped for, when you dreamed of your future life partner, OP?
What is in this relationship for you? Apart from stress, codependency with an alcoholic, the risk of sexually transmitted infections and the continual loss of trust, fear of further cheating, and the slow destruction of your self esteem?
Please gather up your dignity and chuck this waster out. He is contributing nothing to your life and sucking the joy out of it.
You deserve so much better than this.

It seems like a pointless relationship for you.

He's got away with sleeping with multiple sex workers.

No kids.
Not married
No mortgage
He's interested in sex with you

Nothing shows he has respect or love for you.

The simple answer is to end it.

I'd suggest counselling for you.

I have to say I'd feel no guilt if I cheated on him in your position.
He's not remorseful and staying with him is a waste of time.

How old are you both?

I second the Lundy Bancroft book - there's a kindle version. Please read it

I'm 33 and he's 42

He can be very charismatic and he is loving and caring when he's not drunk. However, if he gets drunk I don't know what to expect. He might make me to stay up till 3 AM on a school night. Which is wrong.

Bought the book. Thank you.

I tried counselling this spring. I wasn't even talking about leaving him at the time. Then job change and qualification exams and didn't do anything about the situation again. Which is partially why I find myself where I am now.

So you want to have kids Sunshine ? I know not everyone does but if you do, he doesn’t sound like good father material .

Sorry I mean DO you want to have kids

Most people on here will tell you to leave I'm with them, do you want the bare truth? That's he is a cheater, he doesn't want to fuck you, he is an ammoral person, now do you stay, feel worthless, try to work on it, spend your days, your precious time, or do you just get rid, it's not hard OP , just fuck the bastard off

Have you actually analysed what you mean by a 'normal conversation' and 'adult discussion' with him?

Is it that you want him to explain himself and possibly apologise?

Is it that you want him to acknowledge that he has behaved like a shit and that he understands exactly how crap that has made you feel?

Is it that you really think that the two of you can find a way through this minefield of resentment, misery and sheer incompatibility that will make some sort of sense?

You know, none of these things are necessary or even desirable for you to get closure. You have boxed yourself into a mad little corner where you know that you need to say something but that at the same time there really isn't anything that can be said that will make any difference. You cannot see your way out and it is exhausting you.

All that is necessary is for you to say to him "This is not working for me and I do not want to carry on this relationship. I would like you to leave today."

I would like you to leave today x

You seem to have set your bar very low for what you will accept in a relationship. Find a good counsellor and work on that, you can turn that around and you deserve so much better.
But you can't change him and no-one needs that in a partner.

Op this man will never give you the closure you seek or even the reasoning or explanations behind his behaviour.
But You can give yourself closure you can close the chapter on this miserable going through the motions of a relationship.
You can give yourself permission to just be done.
Start putting you first start actually making a real decision that this shit just isn't worth it anymore.

@Haffiana

"Is it that you want him to acknowledge that he has behaved like a shit and that he understands exactly how crap that has made you feel?"

"Is it that you really think that the two of you can find a way through this minefield of resentment, misery and sheer incompatibility that will make some sort of sense?"

I want him to acknowledge of what he's done (I don't necessarily need sorry from him as this won't change things) and I still have hope or better to say I want to do all I can to make it work.

Staying with a cheater and not addressing it, can give them the green light to do it again. Why wouldn't he when you accepted it from his viewpoint.

So how was the counselling?

You have a BF 9 years older, you're financially independent. He's cheated, he doesn't seem to have sexual desire for you ..performing what seems like duty sex

You have plenty reasons to leave him ... and you're wanting to find more or have an exit affair.

It sounds like your confidence and self worth are a bit low?

Do you know why? Have you been abandoned in the past? Or had bad relationships?

Are you waiting for permission to leave? As in a "good enough" reason to go?

I hereby give you complete permission to leave this man. No strings attached.

I still have hope or better to say I want to do all I can to make it work.

But there's nothing here to "make work" is there? He cheated on you multiple times. You seemed to have just let this go and have bottled up your feelings for a year about it. There seems to be no communication between you both. He has a drink problem. Why have you stayed so long and why do you still seem to want to stay? You deserve more. Is this really how you want to spent the next 30-40 years?

Maybe he'll never acknowledge how shabbily he's treated you but you don't need that. You need to know that you identified that you're worth more than this, that you have the optimism to believe that you will be happier alone, and the self-efficacy to believe you have control over your own life. I think the self-efficacy is where a lot of us (women tolerating bad relationships) fall down. They wonder if they really do have the power over their own destiny to go out and meet somebody new, somebody better.

The truth is murky when you're in the middle of the fog. Leave this man and focus on you and you will see that even making that first decision will help you with the self-efficacy aspect of self-esteem.

After a year it sounds like things have calmed down, settled, and even then it's not satisfying. He wasn't scared of losing you.

You can do better than this, being single is better than that. Because when you're single and positive, anything can happen. Especially if you believe you can make anything happen, create the right shape of life to suit your personality and interests. Draw in the right people.

Finally, change is hard. You think that leaving him represents a terrifying alternative future. But it is ONLY the adjustment to that alternative future that is any challenge. People always fear change, even when it's for the best. So you're normal to fear change. But people adjust to change. They do. We fear change. We adjust to change. Age old story.

After a year you probably do feel a bit anaesthetised. You've quashed back down that voice inside you that for a year has been whispering 'hey, really? still with this guy?''.

Good luck. Change is only scary for a little while. You've got through change unscathed before I'm certain.

Sounds like you're happy to accept any crumbs that he throws your way! Neither of you are happy in the relationship, but neither of you has got the guts to do something about it. There's NO reason to carry on like this. You don't even have to talk about splitting, or explain. Just do it.

Do you struggle with change in general OP? Because to an outsider this sounds like a really shit boring relationship.
Isnt it better to both agree together that neither of you are happy and to do an amicable split, than to let it drag on to more affairs and bitterness

I want him to acknowledge of what he's done (I don't necessarily need sorry from him as this won't change things) and I still have hope or better to say I want to do all I can to make it work.

Would it be fair to say then that you are hoping that it can all go back to the way it was at the beginning of the relationship? When it felt as if both of you were making a journey together?

It really won't and it can't. He is the man that you see now. This is who he is. You, well you are burying a part of yourself inside yourself. You are denying all your own hurt and the compassion you should feel for yourself you are trying to direct at him.

The thing is how do you know he isn't seeing sex workers now? It sounds to me like he might me. Duty sex with you and depression plus the drinking are clues. So is the blocking of any discussion. Been there and it's not looking good.
You really do need to leave him. Read Chump-lady who is very insightful and says it how it is.
Why do you feel like you can't leave? Don't feel sorry for him. Have you anywhere you can go?

This will never go away, you can either be one of those people that lives with it or not. But nothing will ever change.