Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Need Urgent advise... I have doubts don’t know if I should marry him!!

24 replies

Mrstobe12 · 20/10/2018 20:48

I have been pondering for a while now. Me and my partner have been together 2 years and now are looking to get married. I have loose conversations with some of my friends but never want to give too much away as I don’t want to be judged.

My partner is a nice guy he is caring loving and honestly really selfless he is always supporting me with my health ( I have some ongoing health concerns nothing too serious). But I have doubts which I will list...

he is tight with money he isn’t a big spender and is always trying to save a quid. I am not like that I spend generously on myself and others you only have one life to live right. I always notice he gifts me things I would consider the cheaper option and he has the money.
I at times feel we sit quietly I don’t know if I have much to say as I think I am always in a bit of a mood and I really don’t know why. (Only thing I can think of subconsciously maybe I am moody due to my health).
whenever I raise concerns he makes changes and tries to resolve them. I feel he isn’t the best communicator and I am an open book really I always wish we communicated better but I don’t see that changing as we have different personalities and he is very much an alpha male who isn’t in touch with his feelings.

I ask myself could I imagine myself with someone else and I don’t so why do I feel worried and as though I have cold feet.

Any advise please?

OP posts:

RaininSummer · 20/10/2018 20:50

Well, I am no expert on great marriages but if you wonder about these things now, I doubt that will change so marrying him doesn't sound like the best plan.

Kr1stina · 20/10/2018 20:50

I think that if your have serious doubts you should not marry him now. There’s no harm in waiting to see how things work out.

Just don’t get pregnant.

Djnoun · 20/10/2018 20:53

If you're not sure, don't marry.

Mishappening · 20/10/2018 20:57

Well you have to be sure or don't do it! This is the rest of your life we are talking about.

HollowTalk · 20/10/2018 20:58

Should you marry a tight fisted guy who's a bad communicator and with whom you spend a lot of time sitting in silence?

No!

rainbowtrain · 20/10/2018 20:59

If I could travel in time and post this myself ....

Don't do it OP 😔

Original poster

Mrstobe12 · 20/10/2018 21:13

Thanks for all your feedback... it’s hard for you to all know all sides of everything. There’s a reason I have stayed and stay and honestly I think I could never or anybody could find anyone who is as supportive in regards to my health literally there at every appointment even the petty stuff like just giving blood. I just wish he wasn’t only physically present but mentally and we could communicate.

I can be in a such a mood sometimes where I don’t want to talk at all so that’s why the silence happens. I recognise my own faults and if I am honest here with you lovely strangers I almost want him available 100% when I am ready and want to talk about whatever but when I don’t I just Wana be alone and I wonder if I am finding faults in him for the wrong things ??

OP posts:

Original poster

Mrstobe12 · 20/10/2018 21:15

Can I ask why you say that? What issues are you finding in terms of the communication I guess? Sorry just trying to get an insight

OP posts:

Mum2jenny · 20/10/2018 21:15

Seriously if you have any doubts, please don't marry him. Any issues will get worse when you're married.

Kr1stina · 20/10/2018 21:16

Do you find it supportive for him to come with you even for a blood test? Personally that would be WAY too much for me but that’s just me.

Original poster

Mrstobe12 · 20/10/2018 21:20

I do because I have been battling with health stuff for 4 years and currently if no one was there pushing me I probably wouldn’t attend my appointments because I am about done. So I know he truly cares about me honestly I wouldn’t do it for someone else (horrible as it sounds)

OP posts:

mummmy2017 · 20/10/2018 21:22

Could you find some time to really sit and talk to him..
Maybe have a symbol like if your reading a book, you have a bad mood and it's not him but you just need a bit of quiet time..
Really look at how you would feel if he wasn't around...

sourpatchkid · 20/10/2018 21:23

I don't mean to be crass but you can pay a carer to take you a blood test. I say you need to love your future DH with absolute certainty - marriage isn't always easy.

Marry if you want, you can always divorce but don't have kids.

LuluJakey1 · 20/10/2018 21:24

If you have doubts don't marry him. I had doubts with serious relationships before meeting DH. When we met I had no doubts and couldn't wait to marry him. As Eugenie said 'I'll be running down the aisle I'm so excited'. That's how I felt about marrying DH- just couldn't wait.
He's not perfect and I never thought he was but I knew he was for me.
If you have doubts and you are supposed to be getting married, I th8nk that is a big warning sign.

Original poster

Mrstobe12 · 20/10/2018 21:32

Thank you that’s a good idea... like I said he isn’t the best communicator so I do wonder how I must be making him feel I know I wouldn’t like it.

I’m not rushing to have kids I feel going through health stuff which tbh became tougher as he entered My life unfortunate for him. Its causeed me to have a personality change- I know he can’t wait to have kids but right now I feel too selfish to have a child and probably too miserable.

I guess me posting here I realise maybe I am trying to work out if I have genuine doubts and whether it is normal for people to have doubts ??

OP posts:

Koko12 · 20/10/2018 21:39

OP if you are having ANY doubts then I would strongly advise you not to go through with it. I say this as someone who recently cancelled my own wedding with less than 6 months to go and lost a lot of money as a result of it.
Although difficult at the time I am 100% sure that I made the right decision and know that if I were still with exdp I would have been panicking in the lead up to the wedding.

Koko12 · 20/10/2018 21:43

Also don’t stay out of fear that there is no one better for you out there - I would rather be happily single than stuck in an unhappy marriage.

If you cancel you could always rebook in a few years time if you manage to work through your issues as a couple. If he is the right man for you he would understand this and be patient.

Koko12 · 20/10/2018 21:45

FWIW I have been married before and in comparison had no doubts (only excitement and nerves abjhr things going wrong on the day) in my lead up to my first marriage. I believe that we would still be together had he not have called time on it after 15 years of marriage.

Original poster

Mrstobe12 · 20/10/2018 22:44

Thanks koko12... I think I do worry about the OMG what am I going to do without him and generally without someone there it’s also an element of embarrassment having to explain to everyone. I guess I have to really take my time and work out if my doubts are justified and really speak to him about it. We haven’t started planning the wedding so maybe just put a hold on it for now

OP posts:

Koko12 · 20/10/2018 23:11

That sounds much easier as you haven’t got anything booked or paid for yet. As mine was all booked I lost a 4-figure number on it.
FWIW none of my family or friend’s blamed me or made me feel bad - they trusted my judgment, told me to trust my gut and that I was brave to cancel it rather than go through with it to save face and sign myself up to an unhappy future. Good luck with whatever you decide.x

rainbowtrain · 21/10/2018 08:38

Because there is nothing more frustrating than trying to live with someone who doesn't communicate well.
And doesn't want to try.
It leads to frustration and that leads to anger and resentment.

funmummy48 · 21/10/2018 08:44

If you have doubts, don't do it. X

SandyY2K · 21/10/2018 12:21

I would say not to marry a mean man...but a friend said she could deal with mean as long as he wasnt a cheater.

Meaness is an unattractive quality.

Hogtini · 21/10/2018 12:30

What's the rush to get married? Take it slow. I appreciate you feel supported by his presence at medical appointments etc but there's some manipulative men (and women) who may 'enjoy' seeing this vulernability in a partner as it makes them feel needed/the strong one/ego massaged. I'm not saying this is the case here but don't be too dependent on any one person.

Flip