Move on or stay put?

[Wideeyedandlegless]

I separated from my H 10 years ago. We have co-parented sort of amicably - as long as I didn't go against anything he decided.

Two weeks ago, he yet again shouted at me down the phone. I ended the call and txt that I couldn't do this anymore. That I wanted to divorce and move house. (He lives very close to me - not my choice.)

Eldest son is now 18 and spends most of his time with his dad. Younger son (14) mostly with me. When they were little, they were back and forth iyswim.

I have seen a house that I could afford but I will get some flack about it, I know. I will be bad mouthed to my children etc.

I am wondering if I am just looking for an excuse to 'stand my ground' and make a point or is it a valid reason to just want to move on - because I do?

I hope this makes sense but I really didn't want to bore people with the ins and outs of what I have endured over the years.

Thanks

Yes to moving on.

If he decides to bad mouth you, that is on him. Your children know you and the situation. They are not going to think less of you if you divorce and settle your affairs. Sit them down and explain what you intend to do and that it better in the long run. That they will both always have a home with you.

In the meantime, see a solicitor about the divorce and settlement. Then start the ball rolling by initiating the divorce and setting about finding a new home.

Thanks Lemon.

Why so certain though? What if I'm the type of person (as he says I am) that just changes things as a 'project'?

How do I know if I'm just an unhappy person and would be just as unhappy anywhere? I don't want to make waves for no reason I guess

I know that it wasn't the most interesting post but I could do with a cheer on!

Have an appointment to see the house on Wednesday

Well he sounds like a controlling arse. I'd definitely move on.

He is a controlling arse! Why do I feel so stuck though?

Cos controlling arses are manipulative shitbags, and you're afraid of the unfamiliar.

Stuck in a bad habit?

Stop listening to him. His opinions should be/are irrelevant.

If you are just an unhappy person, you’ll be better off without someone throwing it in your face every chance he gets. But I think you will find that your happiness will be restored when you cut yourself free from all that negativity.

Yes, move.

Number One project is getting controlling arses out of your life.

I am certain it’s the right thing because you said you wanted to divorce and move. You seem measured and intelligent, so I think you know your own mind.

It’s normal to divorce if you separate so you can restart your life. Even courts and crusty old judges recognise the benefits of a clean break.

Seriously, get your independence and distance from a man who should be in your past. Wave from the distance in a cheery way. Spend time thinking about new decor and new starts. Do things the way you want with your divorce settlement. Ignore him and whatever his agenda is. He does not have your best interests at heart. Or your those of your children.

You feel stuck because you are and you have been stuck in an unhealthy relationship that should have ended years ago in a divorce. To not feel stuck you just need to move on. Don’t analyse or overthink. Nobody ever wants to move or change until they do then they realise it’s the best thing they could have done.

Get over to rightmove, check out your future Singleton pad options. Then get a solicitor. If you move quickly you will be free by Easter. If he starts moaning just pick up a style mag and distract yourself with thoughts of a mood board for bedroom, chilled and tranquil. Or ask him his views on plush velvet sofas v country classics. Then think about waving cheerily from the distance.

A viewing already!!
Well done OP. That's a massive step in the right direction.
Unfortunately, he's controlled and manipulated you for so long you don't know who you are or what you want anymore.
Other that to please him to avoid any more shit.
Well tough!!! Shit will happen but you can handle it.
You've handled years of abuse and now it's time for YOU!!!!
You can totally do this.
Once you are away from him you will feel freer and far more positive.
It will take some time, but you will get there.
Well done - now keep taking those steps forward.
No more people pleasing!!!

After 10 years of seperation just make it final and be done.

Thank you so much for your replies. I feel quite empowered already!

This is why I love mn. Do you all know that you could change my life with your encouragement?

I hope that doesn't sound too dramatic. I'm in a strange place (for me) at the moment. I do know that I can't go on like this though.

Yes to moving on. Not sure why it's taken you 10 years to get to this point but why on earth are you still letting him control your life?

Time for freedom, baby!

10 years, definitely time for a clean break, new life. Start the divorce proceedings asap

My children were young and I thought I was doing the right thing for them is why I haven't done anything before.

I have made a little bit of progress - well by my previous standards! Since I txt about divorce and moving, he has not been to my house at all. I have told him he's not welcome. It was his birthday last week and I told the boys that I would be doing nothing to help. As I write that, it's so pathetic, I know. My little victory! I have however set the precedent now. None of that nonsense any more! He now takes 18 year old out with him, made a massive fuss with family and friends on his birthday - aarrrgggh he makes me so cross - but said it wouldn't be 14 year olds scene.

Reading that back - I have issues!

I also have Christmas day to sort out! Plenty of time, I hope

There will always be something to sort out like Xmas, Easter, birthdays, the list is endless. What you need to prioritize is getting an appointment with family solicitor to sort out starting the divorce. I would suggest that you take with you some identification like passport, driving license, bills in your name. Then you will probably need to take stock of your assets like property, savings, wages, bills, child maintenance, pension. The reason for your divorce seems clear, separation, so there should be no contest.

I've had the bloody flu! Well, a heavy cold then!

I had to cancel appointment on Wednesday but I am going to view the house tomorrow morning.

I have also arranged for a valuation on my house for tomorrow afternoon. Go me!

Well done OP! You don't even need a solicitor to start the divorce just download the forms from the Internet. Use a solicitor for the financial consent order though.

Come back here and ask if you need help.