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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why would my friend be interested in my abusive Ex?

26 replies

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 20/10/2018 15:04

My friend supported me before and after the split with my Ex. She knows more about what happened than anyone else.

She helped me sort out my money; she was angry about how he behaved - she witnessed some of his abuse. She read text messages and helped write responses to his unreasonable demands.

I helped her out with childcare and looking after her pets when she was on holiday. It seemed a good, solid, equal friendship for nearly 7 years.

We are less close now; we don't see each other much as she got involved with a new partner and started spending all her time with him. She stopped coming to a weekly activity we both enjoyed. She got involved in MLM and I didn't want to buy anything.

She's now split with her partner and is making the moves on my Ex. Why? Why is she showing any interest in him?

OP posts:
BlancheM · 20/10/2018 15:29

She either has the 'I'm the one to change him' delusion or more sadly, was after him all along hence why she was so keen to 'help' you during the time you were with him. Either way, she's not loyal Thanks

flumpybear · 20/10/2018 15:33

MLM then abusive man... she's a mug

greendale17 · 20/10/2018 15:37

She is an idiot and not your friend at all.

Who on earth would find this man attractive.

Original poster
MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 20/10/2018 15:38

Thanks.

I'm completely over him. She's welcome to him. I just don't understand why she thinks he's worth having after all I went through with him.

He is good looking and has a great body. He is also not single.

I always felt fully believed and supported by her.

OP posts:
Thenewdoctor · 20/10/2018 15:38

She thinks she can change him or he’s love bombing her and convincing her it was all you.

TeeBee · 20/10/2018 15:40

Very low self esteem is my guess. Anyway, not your problem, thank God. She knows what she's letting herself in for at least.

Original poster
MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 20/10/2018 15:41

I feel like she must have not believed me if she can possibly think about being with him.

I also feel maybe she thinks I caused his abuse by my behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 20/10/2018 15:43

He doesn't seem interested in her at all but she's very actively pursuing him.

He's enjoying the attention.

OP posts:
VillanellesBrownWig · 20/10/2018 15:44

More fool her..

TeeBee · 20/10/2018 15:46

I would try and wipe the whole thing from your head. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Gemini69 · 20/10/2018 15:51

Ignore this situation .. and stay away from the fall out Lady... of which there certainly will be Flowers

Original poster
MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 20/10/2018 15:55

She gave me so much support and helped me recover. I owe her so much. I felt I helped her too but she made some very quick decisions which I thought were a bit rash and not good in the long term.

I think my input was unwelcome and may be why the friendship stalled a bit.

OP posts:
DevilsAdvocados · 20/10/2018 15:58

He doesn't seem interested in her at all but she's very actively pursuing him.

How do you know she is "very actively pursuing" him?

Have you seen it with your own eyes or is he telling you this?

Abusive men are very fond of creating emotional triangles out of thin air.

DragonGoby · 20/10/2018 15:59

This is more about her than you, OP. Does she often go for 'unsuitable' men?

Shylo · 20/10/2018 16:00

I was just about to ask the same thing .....

LuckyDiamond · 20/10/2018 16:05

Abusive men are very fond of creating emotional triangles out of thin air

This, totally.

My friend’s abusive ex said hi to me in a club. My exact words were “fuck off” before turning away. I didn’t set eyes on him the rest of the night.

He phoned her the next day and told her I’d tried in on with him in the club! She luckily knew he was lying as I wouldn’t piss on the violent scum if he was on fire.

BlancheM · 20/10/2018 16:17

One of my shitty exes sent me screen shots of my friend repeatedly trying it on with him. He was a complete arsehole and she knew it but looking back she used to say she was a 'sucker for a bad boy'. Bleurgh.

Original poster
MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 20/10/2018 16:20

DevilsAdvocados

Have you seen it with your own eyes or is he telling you this?

Abusive men are very fond of creating emotional triangles out of thin air.

She had been working closely with him but he's now been moved somewhere else. She was with her partner and he was single then. I felt she was being a bit disloyal to me because she was enjoying working with him. I had been worried that he'd be a dick to her because she was my friend.

He commented at the time she was texting him a lot and talking with him on facebook. He was enjoying the attention and could have easily rebuffed her if he wanted to. He was telling me to get a reaction but I wasn't bothered and thought he was exaggerating.

It's become obvious that she's interested in him. I recognise her 'mating behaviour'. It's embarrassingly obvious.

OP posts:
DevilsAdvocados · 20/10/2018 16:59

He commented at the time she was texting him a lot and talking with him on facebook. He was enjoying the attention and could have easily rebuffed her if he wanted to. He was telling me to get a reaction but I wasn't bothered and thought he was exaggerating.

Why am I not surprised by this?

It's become obvious that she's interested in him. I recognise her 'mating behaviour'. It's embarrassingly obvious.

Are you sure about this? He's planted the seed in your mind so now you are looking for it.

Re-read @LuckyDiamond 's post above.

I'd put money on it that this is him creating a triangle situation to get to you. It's obviously working because you are posting about it here.

If there is any truth in what he told you (which I seriously doubt) it's much more likely it is him messaging her and him texting her. He will be the initiator and is probably chasing after her.

All of the above is an assessment based on what you have said about him being abusive. This is exactly how abusers roll. You should know that and not be falling for it.

He's trying to divide you and your friend.

Original poster
MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 20/10/2018 18:19

I think it probably started like that DevilsAdvocados but she's all over him now.

I should feel concerned for her getting drawn towards him but I feel a bit like she knows what he's like and it's on her when it goes to pieces. She can be a bit of a loose canon so he needs to be careful too.

Our friendship is much more low key now so there is not much to divide. I am going to stay well out of it.

OP posts:
ReadMyLipss · 20/10/2018 18:42

but she's all over him now.

How do you know this though when you said earlier that you don't actually see her to often?

You're jumping to conclusions without providing any details about why you think this.

Original poster
MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 20/10/2018 19:11

It seems that way on SM.

I don't understand how she can want anything to do with him. I can understand her acting nice to him when they were working together. I can't understand long chats over drinks and them being friends. It seems like more than friendship from her.

You could be right ReadMyLipss

OP posts:
Siun · 20/10/2018 19:16

As somrbody with an abusive x that would really upset and baffle me too.

THey is probably had one short conversation where he gave his side and said it was neither his finest hour nor yours and she has fallen in to the trap of thinking that nobody knows what the truth is blah blah blah, 2 sides to every story blah, 6 of one and half a dozen of the other blah blah.

When he treats her like shit, you will not owe it to her to support her and giver her money. She was warned.

Original poster
MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 20/10/2018 19:35

She can be a bit flirty in general so I'm maybe reading it wrong. I'm hearing tales from other friends and they may be just stirring.

It's much more likely he's trying to wind me up.

I am over him. I don't know why I'm so bothered by this.

OP posts:
LuckyDiamond · 20/10/2018 20:03

You’re bothered because you feel your trust has been compromised. You clearly don’t give a shiny shit about him but you do about your friend.

I would believe her, not him.

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