This is something which I am trying to untangle in my head before I properly speak to DH. I've got a lot of mixed feelings and appreciate that I am being selfish.
Over the last few years, I have been suffering on and off with quite bad stress at work - so much so it was affecting my mental and physical health. I was drinking every evening to help me sleep as I was so wound up. I was getting ill constantly, at one point I thought I had a stomach ulcer, I had chest pains. Quite a lot of things really. But feeling trapped financially, I kept working and found a new job, which was no better - in fact it made things worse. On top of all of this, I was the one trying to juggle my job and everything relating to the children. I did way way more than my fair share. In the end, DH suggested that I took some time off work. We worked out a budget and found that it would be manageable (i.e. we'd still have a holiday etc!)
This was a great escape for me - it would give me the mental space to think things through, to recover my mental health and most importantly, for me to try and reset family life. Both DH and I have stressful jobs and the children were the ones missing out (they're both at primary school). We were out of the house all week, hardly any energy for things like reading and homework and would just rush to put them to bed of an evening.
I'm only two months in and already I feel better. But - and this is the really selfish part on my account - DH has a new boss and after a few days has already decided it's all too much, that he is suffering from stress, he wants to take a lower paid job or resign without anything to go to. He's implying that I go back to work (yet when I suggest it he says no I shouldn't), that I can get high paid work (yes I can but this is what makes me ill!) and he's worried about money. All very mixed messages. I feel a bit manipulated and I dont know why. Also I am not entirely sure DH is telling me the whole story with what is happening at work but he denies anything else is the issue, just his new boss.
I'm in the place where I am really upset. Upset because after years and years of absolutely hating a major part of my life, I am going to have to go back sooner than expected. I know DH will not pick up any more on the home side - I have for years asked him to reduce his hours to 4 days a week (yes we would have less money, but our combined income was in 6 figures, so we wouldn't have struggled at all), even little things like taking the children to school on his day at home he just wouldn't do. He would take them to an activity once a week but if I had happened to be at home he would assume that it was my job again.
I'm not entirely sure what to do. I cannot underplay DH's stress - he really is not in a good place. But at the same time, I feel pretty unappreciated and also a bit cheated because when I needed his emotional support when I was stressed, it was somewhat lacking. He has always been unwilling to look at his working pattern beyond anything superficial in order to pick up the slack (it's the public sector, so I know it would have been possible and I also know that if it was a mother in his position, they would have made the changes. I had a senior public sector job and know).
I think the biggest issue I have is that by having two working parents in high stress jobs with a long commute and little family support, the children will again suffer as we have to park them in childcare.
I am happy to go back to work but I want something lower stress, fewer hours and close to home. All of these things are a bit trickier and will take time to come by but I'll have to make the effort. And I am looking.
I'm not even sure what question I am asking! Just posting as a bit of a cry for help as I feel stuck, I am worried about DH and worried about myself.