Sharing parenting when ex lives quite far away

[truth4568]

Hi,

I was wondering if anyone could share their experiences of how they have shared parenting with an ex who lives some distance away? My ex moved out six months ago and is living with family 4 Hours away (as he has some work issues and no income at the moment.) Currently he is coming back to the family home once a fortnight and staying for the weekend. This has made sense so far as our kids are very small and it is less disruptive for them/he can help me out with chores. I'm finding it increasingly difficult to have him in the house but if I stop him staying, I'm not sure how he can have a decent amount of time with the kids, and I want them to have a relationship with their father. Realistically he won't be able to move back to our area for a while due to work and mental health issues, but the journey to where he now lives is too long for the kids to do once a fortnight.,Any ideas?

My ex comes down once a fortnight for the day and takes the children out. They do spend some time in the house if the weather is particularly vile but we get on ok considering he's a cheating arse!
They then go to his for a few days/half the holidays & we FaceTime 3x per week to maintain contact.
I wouldn't be comfortable with him staying over tbh.

They stay with him once a month, he comes back to your area and takes them out for a day two weeks after that and has more time with them in the holidays?

Or could he rent an AirBnB type place for a weekend? Or stay in a hotel?

My BIL and his ex wife live about 2 hours from eachother. They have two kids. He sees them every other weekend - when they were younger they used to drive and meet half way at a service station and now the kids are old enough they take the train. He pays I believe.

Same. My ex lives in France. Comes over for a weekend once a month to visit the kids. I use that time to plan evening out and to do my own stuff! Over summer they went to stay with him for 2 weeks which was fabulous. It's hard doing it on your own with kids but you step up and manage. I gave a sitter I use occasionally if I need an eve out. Mine are a bit older, 12 and 9. Have you no family around? Friends etc? Organise some time where their dad takes them to his to give you free time to yourself.

This shouldn't be your issue. It's his.
I agree with 'rent an airbnb or similar' as a solution but frankly most people won't be able to afford to do that. However he does need to find a solution or to suggest a compromise.
Sorry you're in this position.

Has he no friends in your area? I think staying overnight is too much - surely he could sofa-surf with friends on the weekends or airbnb? If he can't afford it, I'd even think about going halves or paying for it if you have the money.

Ds dad lives abroad, he visits once a month and gets a cheap b&b which he takes Ds to. He took him for 3 nights over the summer, but Ds hated being away from home for so long (he’s 6) I tried to get them to call each other every day or so, but Ds dad is not really fussed, so it’s a long time between contact for him and they don’t have much of a connection. When Ds was little I would let him use my house as a base, and I would just go out or hang out upstairs. It’s hard when there’s distance involved!

Thank you, it's really useful to sense check my ideas. Kids are 4 and 7 months and youngest is still bf regularly overnight so too young to be away from me. I think the most frequent the oldest could cope with travelling to his dads is once a month. I do have family support who can help with the kids, it's more about being fair to the kids and allowing them to have their dad in their lives.
Thanks for sharing your experiences.

We're the same as Willow's BIL, ex lives 1.5hr drive away and I meet him halfway at a service station on a Saturday evening and pick DD up on a Sunday evening. Not ideal but it works for us.