Help me work out why i feel as i do?

[Unhappyandmiddleaged]

I have name changed and my new name says it all really. I need some perspective as i am stuck but i warn you this could be long.

Here we go - DH and i married over 30 years, two grown DC who are adults and live over 300 miles away. Both of us are mid 50's.

On the face of it we have the perfect life. DH is a big earner so we have no money worries - nice house, car holidays etc.

DH works long, long hours and has only just realised how much he has prioritised his work over the years. We lost a child many years ago and after that he threw himself into his work driven by the notion he had to be a good provider.

I had a stressful job as a social worker and after a few cases in our LA where children died I really couldn't hack it any more and left. That was over 2 years ago.

I have built up thing I enjoy doing. A mix of volunteering, social hobbies and part time uni study. I have a dog I walk and i keep the home stuff ticking over. You would think my life was glorious.

So why do i feel flat, weepy, bored and lonely? I hate my life so much. But i feel awful for saying that when so many have so little and don't moan. Some days i barely speak to a soul and have to propel myself out into town just to chat to people serving in shops etc.

Today was such a day. DH left the house before 6 am (which is normal) and he is only getting on a train now. It will take him at least 1.5 hours to get home. By that time i will be tired, crabby and hungry. Then i will go to bed and be unable to sleep as i have eaten too late for me (I would rather eat at 6 and some nights i just eat early).

I actually prefer it when DH works away as i can work to my own routine and i am not waiting for him to come home. He will get home and fall asleep about 10 minutes after he has eaten. and still i will be lonely.

DSH hates his life too and often makes plans to extricate himself from his job but they never pan out.

I actually don't know what i am asking. I really just wanted to write it all down.

Has anyone else been where i am and managed to make positive changes? I love my DH and have no plans to leave him. I would just like my like to feel more positive. I do really miss my girls but they have their own lives to lead. Help me to stop wallowing!

Any chance of moving closer to his work?

Or making longterm plans to upsticks closer to your children?

Have you seen your GP?

Why don't you eat earlier and just have a cup of tea/cocoa with him while he has his?

Would volunteering with somewhere like home start be an option for you?

What do you do at weekends? Is it spent together? If not then it sounds like youre living separate lives and have just drifted apart. You both need to make an effort to spend quality time together. Do you talk? Plan? Have sex?

OP, how long have you felt like this? Is it constant or comes and goes?

faeriequeen I already volunteer with `home start! It is probably amongst the best three hours of my whole week.

We won't move near his work. He works in a city and we live in a lovely town in the country but with lots of amenities nearby. It is a place people really want to move to. DH wants to leave his job but i am not sure what the timescales on that might be. We certainly won't be moving near out DDs. DD1 is in London and we are in Scotland. That move will never happen. DD2 is finishing uni next summer. I don't know where she will end up. It is unlikely she will come back here though.

I often eat earlier and just have a cup of tea when DH gets in but it feels awful to always be leaving him his dinner on a plate to heat up. He doesn't complain though and he just eats whatever is there for him.

I haven't been to the GP. I am not sure i am full on depressed. I have been previously but this feels different. When i am busy and got people around me i come alive but i also enjoy quiet times doing course reading etc.

We do spend time together at the weekend. Walking the dog, pottering in the garden etc. DH often ends up doing work at home which he hates doing but sometimes he has no option. I have given up nagging him on this as it makes him more anxious if he has something that needs doing.

Yes it comes and goes. Sometimes i feel lively, full of energy and raring to go.

Sometimes I feel so weary and fed up i cannot be bothered doing anything.

Sometimes i feel sad and lonely.

I sound like such a moan but if you knew me you would never guess all this was going on in my head!

If you come alive during your volunteering then maybe youre missing the feeling of being useful & valued at home, as well as the company. It sounds as if the relationship with your husband is like ships passing in the night. You say you have no plans so perhaps work on that together.

It may well be somewhere people want to move to, but if you're not actually happy there, it's not as enviable.

Have you thought about going back to work? Perhaps not back in social work but something to give you routine and people you'll see everyday?

Feeling flat and low might be low level depression or something going on physically - never hurts to get a check-up.

I really feel for you. A visit to the G.P is a good start but so are some lifestyle changes, even though your old job was stressful it involved a aspect social every day something which you now don’t have. Maybe increasing your hours volunteering or joining a walking group/ or some other hobby would be a good idea. Anybody would feel low in mood and lonely in the house all day, it allows for rumination with minimal interaction and loses your perspective on life. I also feel speaking to your husband about dropping his hours (if he can’t leave all together) would be a really good idea. Also plan some nice getaways as often as you can. Good luck

Thank you for being so kind to me. I thought I would get my arse handed to me.

I agree I have far too much time for introspection and I do like to feel needed. I did wonder today whether I might like a job maybe in a shop. We have some lovely shops in our town that I would be happy to work in.

I think it's just hit you hard that you have left a full time job, which must have had its rewarding moments even if it was just in terms of the company of your colleagues. Working flat out like that and then stopping suddenly (without that winding down time that used to happen in many jobs, prior to retirement) can feel like you've hit a brick wall.

I wouldn't worry about eating with your husband, as long as you're sitting with him and chatting to him. If he's falling asleep ten minutes after eating then I think he needs to slow down in his working life. Is there any way he could work fewer hours? Could you afford for him to stop work and just get a part-time job?

My dad took early retirement - I didn't see him from the time he made the decision to after he left - he looked ten years younger. It was only then that I realised how stressed out he'd been at work.

Don’t go to you right Gp.youve gone from social work to a bit of volunteering, WAlking the dog and being at home_ no wonder you feel low at times. WHat did u likenabout social work? F8nd a way you have a more meaningful role somewhere locally ... it doesn’t sound like 3 hours isn’t enough for you. You come alibe in 3 hrs, you need a more fulfilling role for yourself in the week, and more time doing it.

I do my uni course which takes up a lot of time in term time with class one night then essays and exams. I do another hobby one night. I also sit on adoption panels for the LA which I forgot to mention. You are right though. I need to do more.

SOrry for my typos

DH wants to retire as soon as he can. We now have an appointment with our FA soon to look at our finances. DH thinks he hasn't got enough but I think he is very wrong. I would rather buy a smaller house and have him at home more than sit lonely in this big house. He is coming round to this now.

You need a purpose. Anyone would feel flat, weepy and bored if they didn't have any structure or routine in their lives!

Maybe it’s all too bitty. I know I like to be part of a team (I’m not) so feel8ng connected in that way would help me, at her y than being on lots of different teams and nothing Consistent. Like which and where do I really belong. Is anything like tha5 going on for you with your busy but bitty schedule?

Right. I know I could trust you lot to give me the kick up the arse I need. DH is on his way home and when he gets in I am going to discuss me getting a part time job or finding something else which will help me feel fulfilled. I have a lot to offer.

It is all bitty. None of the things I do are connected in any way at all.

I’ve been where you are. It’s horrible and I really sympathise. Big houses and no financial worries do not make up for a lack of purpose and routine.
My OH took early retirement as his job and the hours were killing him. I thought we’d fall through a hole trying to manage financially but it’s fine. Quality of life is far more important. Having said that retirement is not all it’s cracked up to be either...

There no way DH could retire then just be at home all the time. He plans to try and get some non-exec positions which will pay well for not to onerous hours. In fact the plan is to try and be made redundant if he can rather than retire.

My life is similar (tho' haven't lost a child which must be simply awful, no words...).

Bless you, have nothing much to add except to say I empathise.

Do you have a U3a in your area ? They usually have lots of different things going on during the day.

I think you need to demand that your husband works out an acceptable plan with you and I also think you need to consider the possibility that menopause might be significantly contributing to your state of mind. Perhaps you should look into HRT. I know many women whose lives were transformed when they started HRT. They had no idea how much their declining hormone levels were affecting their mental health.