Giving my all never seems to be enough

[Lostinthecrux]

I'm feeling pretty lost and confused right now and need to vent.

My DH and I have been together/married for almost 20 years. We are nearing 40 and have 5 children. (some with special needs)
We agreed at the start of our relationship that I would be a SAHM, and DH would focus on his career. I've loved being able to be there for our children, and I know how lucky I am to have been able to do so. DH developed depression early in our relationship and I've supported him with that as best I can though it hasn't always been easy.
I'm not perfect, I make mistakes, and I have some health issues that can slow me down a bit but I've given my absolute all to our relationship and family. He hasn't always been the most supportive of my health issues as it tends to cause conflict with his work. As a result he's previously sought emotional support with other women after I'd been particularly unwell. Not the greatest feeling in the world, and I couldn't talk to anyone about it, but we did our best to move past it.
I'm pretty certain DH has asd. (one of our children does and they have very similar traits) He has very fixed views and doesn't like when others have opposing opinions, often getting into debates over the many ways his opinion is correct/better. He is also a little lacking in empathy and can be a bit harsh.

Our sex life, or lack thereof is a major issue. His sex drive is pretty high, while mine tends to be on the lower end of the scale, usually due to being ill or being so exhausted and stressed by the end of the day. We have no family support, so I don't really get a break. He can be pretty persistent and I do feel bad. I know it can't be easy for him to be turned down so much, so I usually concede. However he has a desire for certain favours that are just beyond my limit. I no longer have the excuse of having a young baby, but for various reasons which I have explained to him, I'm just not comfortable with that. He gets pretty frustrated about it as he seems to place a lot of importance on it. I understand his desire to try it but also feel I should have the right to say no. There are plenty of other options that I am very happy to try.

Either way it's caused a lot of friction in our relationship. Which hasn't helped any with my desire for sex. It got to the point where he was picking fault with everything I did and it would end up in very long arguments that went round and round. He always had a reason why whatever I was doing/saying was wrong or could be done/said better. It was exhausting. After a long while I ended up feeling really very worn down and we had a talk. I told him how his behaviour was affecting me, he told me he couldn't support me for very long while I sorted myself out, but he did back off a bit.
Things improved for a while. Our youngest has just come out of toddlerhood and we agreed that I would start a short course so I could prepare for going back into a career. I was really excited for this, but it was a bit taxing getting back into the student mode. As a result after barely a month of the course we've had a big arguement and I'm now dropping out so that I can focus on our relationship and our family.

It's not like I have so much else going on in my life, but it was the only thing that could be dropped to allow the extra time/energy where we need it. I have no extended family, no friends, no hobbies, and I rarely go anywhere alone. My children are my life and I've given every bit of me to focus on them and to support my dh. He's done pretty well career wise. But my dh can't accept being second best, in the family, in life, or with my course and he doesn't think it's normal for sex lives to be lower prioritised just because you have a family.

I know it's selfish but I just feel so crushed at having to give up something that was for me. I feel I have sacrificed so much already for our relationship and family, because that's what you do, especially when you have children. He hasn't had to give up anything because he thinks you should be able to have it all. I can't help but feel if he could be a bit more understand or supportive I could have continued with the course.
Or maybe he's right and it would have been too much.

We're going to try and use that time and energy to focus on improving our relationship. With less stress and pressure hopefully things will improve slowly.
DH suggested he could watch the children now and then and I could maybe have a few hours to unwind. The funny thing is I don't even know what I could do with that time or how to unwind.

I don't expect replies. I guess I just needed to get that out somewhere. I do feel a bit less raw for it. I know that really I only have 2 options. Suck it up or leave. But leaving isn't even really an option with no income and children who need my support.

Anyone else been in a similar predicament and it got better when the children were older/less dependent?

Your life seems so full on op and your dh sounds unsupportive to say the least. Do you think he deliberately sabotaged your efforts to go back into employment as he wants to keep you dependent on him? It certainly seems that way.

You should consider leaving him because 1. he sounds abusive and controlling

1. He is a sex pest
2. He is always looking for things to criticise about you
3. He has cheated on you multiple times.

I bet your mental health would improve if you ended this relationship where you are not respected.

If you lived apart, (and he presumably had the dc for some of the time) would you have time for your course?

What I am trying to say is, if you didn't have to run around making efforts for him and the er, 'relationship' would you cope with life better or worse than now? If you shut your eyes, how do you think it would feel, being free of him?

Forgotmycoat, I don't think he has deliberately sabotaged it as such, but I do feel he has a habit of saying the right things but not really following through if it conflicts with what is easier for him. When I learned to drive a few years ago he was very supportive, but then almost seemed to panic/worry about me being out on my own.
It didn't go as far as an affair, the OW were rather horrified. But much as he denies it, I can't help but think he would have if they had in any way reciprocated as more than friendship.

Haffiana, I would definitely have the time. Up until now I've fit it in my routine, though it has left me a bit busier after the children are in bed. But dh feels our relationship is severely lacking, especially with regards to sex, which I can't deny it's not great. The course is the only extra stress point that can be given up. He did try to help support me by doing a bit of housework, which was nice, but I think he assumed it would be a magic fix.
But yes, I would definitely be far less stressed if I weren't helping him through his difficulties. He's self employed so at home a lot, and I often end up talking him through best ways to communicate with clients. I encouraged him to see a counsellor a few years ago in the hopes it would help, which he said it did. But I can't say I've noticed any difference at home.

Op you're definitely not selfish to want to do a little something for yourself. It's important to rediscover yourself as an individual and follow your passions. You've done years of childrearing. Now it's YOUR time. I would suggest be firm with dp and tell him you will be going back to your course and he needs to support you the way you have all these years. Please don't give this up to focus on your relationship. He needs to pickup the slack now and pull his weight at home to enable you to focus on your future.

The way that you talk about sex is frankly quite disturbing and I feel sad for you.

You’re supposed to have sex because you want to, for sexual pleasure. It’s not something you ought to do because there’s a quota of ‘how much of it you should have in a good marriage’ or ‘how much your husband needs to not be an arsehole to you’.

You’ve already said you feel pressure to have sex and pressure to do certain things within sex (I’m guessing it’s something like anal sex or dressing up for him) but what about your sexual needs? Do you actually enjoy having sex with him? Does he make you orgasm and make you feel wanted and safe and desirable?

If he didn't give you time and support to do your course, he's not going to give you time and support to "unwind". Again, it's lip-service and when it doesn't have instant results, it'll be out of the window.

5 children! Whose idea was that?

Why don't you have any friends? Is it because of him?

Don't give up your course, OP. It sounds really important to you, and after being 'Mum' for so many years, you need to be Lostinthecrux again.

I've just recently started a hobby one evening a week, after 6 years of raising kids, and it's brilliant. It feels as if I'm starting to be a person again (and I didn't stop work to be a SAHM, I can imagine the feeling would only be much more exaggerated if I had).

You've been the one in your relationship to sacrifice and adapt and change for the sake of the family. Well, I think you deserve for your family to help you through one course.

Something else can give, e.g. stop taking talking 'D'H through his client problems. Give more housework to him to do (you should treat it as if you're working PT now with your course). Take him up on the offer of some time to yourself - use it for course studying, or just to relax. Reclaim some space and time for you.

I'm now dropping out so that I can focus on our relationship and our family

Incidentally, how much is he going to drop so that he can also focus on your relationship and family?

He's now suggesting I could do some of the course and see how things are later. We're going to go round and round over it until I just give up.
It wasn't like this when we were having children. It's like all of a sudden he's realised that the pressures of having a family are too much. Bit late for that though! I don't think he'll be happy unless we are the same as we were during the honeymoon period.

The favours are along the lines of forceful role playing, and whilst I was happy to discuss it to start with, he started joking about it randomly through the day, to the point I was pretty uncomfortable and said no. I actually enjoy sex, that's never been an issue. But his general behaviour is rather off putting. I've told him as much, but it always ends up being my fault. Or he says it's his fault but throws the toys out the pram and says he'll just live without sex because it'll be easier.

I'm going to have to regrow my backbone, aren't I? I was so independent and strong minded. How the heck did I get to this?!

OP, a big hug for you.
I am not in any way qualified to help you other than I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship.
Is there any way you could have a break on your own or maybe with a friend, sister or cousin, even if it was just for a day.
I don't think your relationship is worth 'saving' - your husband might have ASD or something but he doesn't sound much of a life-partner.

I think you need to figure why you are sacrificing everything you have for a man who is really quite unpleasant. You say it’s because that's what you do, but it’s not what most women do. It’s one thing to make sacrifices for your children, but abnegating yourself to an adult is not healthy, nor is it healthy for another adult to demand that of you.

Your DH just wants you to serve him - nothing to do with being the best or second best, it’s simply about what’s best for him. He doesn’t give a shit what you want or about whether he’s being the best DH he can be.

Between the lines you were made to give up the course because he wasn’t getting enough sex.

I’m not sure exactly what you’re referring to with ‘forceful role playing’ - whether you mean forced into roles you’re not comfortable with or whether you mean rape fantasies (or both) - but the implications of both are disturbing. There’s a point at which sex pesting becomes sexual abuse.

I don’t know what’s happened to your backbone OP but it’s time to give your ideas of subjugated wifedom back to the 19c century.

Sounds awful OP.

What has happened to your friends? Why are you so isolated?

I'm getting some echoes of my own relationship with my ex husband here.

He used to be superficially supportive but it was all about him and anything I did it had to fit in with him and what he wanted, otherwise I was being selfish. He used to express concern about what I was doing, would I be able to do it, I shouldn't feel bad if I gave it up etc. All designed to make me feel insecure and unsure about myself.

Sex was also all about him. As long as he got what he wanted everything was fine. But he never listened to me when I tried to say what I liked. He'd pay lip service to it, then after a minute or two felt he'd done enough and just carry on with what he wanted. I always felt I was selfish by not going along with what he wanted.

He very much is sabotaging you. The "worry" he had about you going out on your own driving didn't come from genuine concern, it came from trying to make you feel insecure about your driving so you would give it up. The course is a threat to him. So he pretends to support you then makes it into a "stress point" where you feel you have to give it up, therefore sabotaging your efforts.

He's emotionally abusing you.

You don't need to leave. You can stay with the children, and he can leave.

Very good post Seven

Your husband sounds absolutely horrible - mean, demanding, childish, controlling and abusive.

Also where on earth did you get the idea that you had be a total non-person lying down so everyone can walk on her?

I lost the friends I had as we had moved further away, at the time I couldn't drive and was limited to public transport or my dh driving me. But with the dc's various appointments it limited when I was able to visit. I don't really blame them tbh. But it also made it difficult to meet new friends too. One of my dc had a particularly rough time for a while due to health issues.

Dh wasn't like this in the first half of our marriage at all. I certainly would never have agreed to have been walked all over. He wasn't the greatest at supporting me emotionally but he helped with a lot of things around the house and we worked pretty well as a team. I think things changed just after I was pregnant with our youngest. His depression had been bad, we had a big fall out after I got the blame for it, but things seemed to improve for a while. I did at times think I was trapped in fitting in with his needs and schedule, but it's been more this year with the round and round arguments, and then telling me he couldn't support me long-term if I was becoming depressed that I've started to get rather irritated by him (to say the least) and maybe I've just paid more attention to what he's doing? But through standing up for myself in disagreements, and wanting to make improvements for myself it's then caused friction.

@Sevenstones That actually sounds very familiar. Thank you.

He's busy this week with some big meetings, so I think I will use that time to start getting my ducks in a row. Maybe make some phone calls for financial advice and such. I honestly have no idea where to start with it all but I can't keep living like this.

Stay strong, remember you are amazing and your kids are so lucky to have you.
Do what's best for you. You deserve it! X

You have 5 dc and your dh wants you to roleplay his bloody fantasy even during the day..NO..JUST NO!! . Dont apologise. Im sure you have a marvellous fantasy of just peace and quiet. Does he indulge you in that. You are entitled to do what you want too. And you are NOT responsible for his depression. Thats a very common accusation like an alcoholic blaming his wife for his drinking. My dh has bipolar. I am not responsible. I support him but take no blame for his illness or responsibility for his recovery.
A good book Emotional Blackmail by Susan Foreward is helpful with strategies for stopping these accusations..like: lm sorry you feel like that...while not doing what he wants.
Please stay at the course. You need your own identity.

So he had depression and you supported him through it, but he won’t return the favour. Nice.

OP you H sounds very like my exH. He is actually a narcissist, everything was always about him. He was always selfish to a certain extent but his behaviour got markedly worse the better he got on at work, it was like the more important he felt he was the less important he thought my contributions to our life were. He also pulled the depression card (but was never so depressed he missed out on doing anything he actually wanted to do) and was emotionally abusive and manipulative. He also made sex all about him and like a pp said didn't give a shit about what I wanted just so long as he got his way, he was a coercive sex pest in the end. When I finally had enough and told him I didn't love him anymore he begged me not to leave said he would change etc etc .... he didn't. It was all just talk to give him time to find an ow so he wouldn't be alone! I was so relieved in the end to be rid of him just wish I'd left years earlier before he'd broken my spirit with all he gaslighting and cheating that he'd done.