Morning folks,
Please excuse me in advance for signing up to Mumsnet to get advice on this issue! I’ve hardly used it before (what have I been doing?!) but even my mum has suggested I put this on here to see what the wisdom of the masses has to offer, so giving it a go. Any thoughts are so, so welcome.
Basically this week my partner bit my 3 year old son on the hand leaving a big red mark and very tearful scared little boy. He says he did it accidentally, however I very much doubt this for various reasons - the fact he told me our son was crying because he was overtired only for our son to then tell me in private daddy bit me, the fact it has happened in front of me before (in a you’ve bitten me so I’m going to bite you back way, only it was driven by anger and again resulted in a very upset boy), the fact he is generally physically rough with my older boy, the fact my partner has a temper and when angry shouts and swears within earshot of the boys, the fact he has been physical with me twice this year (most recently slamming a door on me after repeatedly telling me to fuck off - he again says it was an accident and he didn’t know I was inside the door, but I know he did as he looked straight at me as he did it)
Anyway, I told preschool about the bite who reported it to Social Services, who on Thursday advised me the situation is for “no further action” from them...!!! No action at all in other words, only advice was to take legal advice. In fact they’ve made the whole situation worse with bungled communications etc. My partner is aware that the referral was made.
So now the situation is...I’m staying at my mums with the kids (aged 3 and 1), older boy really confused - on one hand seems scared to go home, on the other really enjoyed a visit from his dad yesterday. Partner is wanting contact in our family home and to get back to a normal routine - in other words us moving back in. I suspect the boys will only be safe if I go too, though I am also scared of him (not a “he’ll hit me immediately” way, but in a “he’ll pick a fight after a couple of days/ weeks, shout, swear, boys may hear, there may be a physical side etc”) Plus he bite happened when I was there so they won’t be 100 per cent safe even then. He has said the boys are safe but he only gurantees not to shout and swear at me if I am not critical to him.
A few weeks ago I started seeing some of his behaviour as domestic abuse and sought advice from Women’s Aid. I’m meeting up with their worker today to go to the police to get a Claire’s law disclosure. Though I’m a bit ambivalent about seeing it as domestic abuse as I can’t say I’ve never shouted back (though never near the kids and only after a couple of years of regular shouting at me from him)
So what I’m wondering is...
- How to allow him access to the kids and to get the kids back into a normal routine while also keeping us all safe
- how to proceed from here in terms of the future of the relationship...I know thats one thing Mumsnet can’t really tell me! I’m going to end it once the kids are safe and settled but its a matter of how. I want to buy him out of the house we own together but how to work towards this
- how to make sure the kids are safe when on their own with him im the future, assuming we have to agree a shared parenting arrangement as don’t think I have enough evidence to apply for sole custody
Oh extra info, he is a lot older than me, has been married twice before, his adult son from a previous marriage also lives with us. Oh and I am due to get some legal advice in lieu of social services 
Thanks for reading this - needless to say this week has been a total shitstorm and so has the relationship for some time... so any thoughts on getting out of the storm would be very gratefully received.