Difficult parent situation

[Undercoverbanana]

Not sure if this is the right place for this.

My Dad is 77. Up until the last couple of months he has been extraordinarily fit and healthy, slim, swims and cycles etc.

His short term memory and ability to remember words started to slip just in the summer but has got quite severe.

He has just been diagnosed with prostate cancer which has spread to his lymph nodes and bones. He does not understand this. I only know because I rang the hospital myself to make sense of his garbled comments about appointments. He has been going to the wrong places on the wrong days. He has had an MRI but has no recall of it. He has had a biopsy but thinks he only has something called a carcinoma so it’s not cancer. He is due to have further MRIs to determine the spread but cannot take this in. He has been given hormone therapy medication but I have no idea if he knows what he’s doing with it. He has to set up injections at the GP and can’t seem to do it.

He is suddenly overwhelmed by absolutely everything. He doesn’t know what month it is or what meal is next. He had no idea of my name earlier.

This decline has happened in about 4 months.

I live 80 miles away and am an only child. Dad is a widower.

There is no chance of him moving. I start a new job on Monday.

What should I be doing? Apart from crying?

Does he have a social worker or any one official supporting him? Does he GP know the extent of his memory issues? If you haven't already then I would think a good first step is going to his GP with him to discuss your concerns.

Or phoning GP if you don't get any week days off and presumably don't want to take leave straight after starting a new job

I have no idea if anyone is supporting him. He’s never had help from anyone in his life.

He won’t go to the GP - they are charlatans.

Does he realise he is having memory troubles? If so you could point out that these says there are medicines for early stages of some forms of dementia (true, albeit you have no idea if they're appropriate for him). He might be more willing to see a Dr if it's to actually make things better rather than just get s diagnosis which for him might be the "beggining of the end" and admitting he's older etc

He says his memory troubles are because of the catheter which is stopping him sleeping properly.

Dementia is for weak people and doctors know nothing.

He only went to hospital because he collapsed. That’s how all this started. I knew nothing until Monday.

Call social services, they will help / signpost help for you both. Good luck.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. And I have a very similar situation with my dad - in his case several strokes that he's been very lucky to come through relatively well but have cost most of his memory, focus and physical strength. No ability or inclination to take responsibility for rehabilitate and no way for us to really understand what's happening. He lives abroad.

No solutions but you can't do the caring role he needs in weekly trips. I'd call his GP, explain the situation and ask for advice.

Smile - what will social services do? Dad is going to be bloody difficult. I am usually really good with this sort of thing (my Granny) but the speed of this has shocked me.

One - thank you - I will call GP in the morning and explain full situation. I want to help him but don’t know how much I should do/not do. My poor Dad. He seemed young still .... he cycled all over bloody northern France with me in April.

SS can do an assessment as he's a vulnerable adult at risk of coming to harm. They can then sort a package if neccessary. I'd also call the GP, be aware they may call SS anyway (although in all honestly it depends on if you have a proactive GP).

Sorry he will be difficult - this is not uncommon (who wants help full stop after being independent?) But if you are worried about him and you can't be his carer (not saying you should!!) Then it is the sensible step to ensure he is safeguarded.

Good luck :)

Thank you Smile - not sure what I’m doing right now. So shocked at his deterioration. Will call the GP in the morning and have a frank discussion. My poor, wonderful, strong, wilful Dad ......

Age Concern can help you make some plans about how to make some progress in helping your dad.

Does he have a catheter in place? Could this point towards a UTI? If he has a UTI this could explain some of the exceptionally fast confusion and memory loss

Age UK will help with appointments etc - for a small charge.

You probably need to get some sort of care in place.

This is so awful for you - and a new job too.

Can you postpone your start date so you can get Dad's care sorted out?

Has he been checked for a UTI? They are quite common with prostate problems and cause a lot of confusion in older people.

I can’t help with anything else but this just crossed my mind.

Also. Is it worth contacting McMillan? It’s not just for the patients but also their family.

Has had a catheter for 5 weeks. I only knew on Monday. Looks like it may be permanent (although the information I have is sketchy).

UTI clear - just prostate cancer and spread.

Have spoken to amazing McMillan nurse this afternoon. She told me everything that Dad has been told but can’t absorb.

Firstly, this is really tough, really tough and try to look after yourself and get some support. Friends, family, Age Uk, Macmillan grab all the help you can get.

My dear Dad went downhill slowly and then earth shattering quickly. Get in touch with Social services - it can take a while to get in the system and my dads Local Auth failed him.

There is support out there - but sadly you do have to be forceful daughter. It's the hardest thing when you are feeling so bereft. I get it.

Get an assessment of his needs. And get power of attorney- now.

Feel free to @ me on here.

I have been there petal - I'm still working through the system.

My dad was a very independent widower. It's heartbreaking x

How are things @Undercoverbanana ?

Thank you. Things are pretty bad. This is going to be a tough road, I think.

I know lots of people have to deal with problems with elderly parents who are difficult, but Dad only became “elderly” in the last few months and I am so shocked at the speed of things.

I have had a good talk with his GP surgery (who were very supportive and are going to include some analysis of his mental state into his next appointment) and been doing my own research online.

I have calmed down in myself and see that I need to keep things very clear and simple. One thing at a time. No point planning ahead. POA needs to be set up fairly swiftly etc.

Well done. You're handling this brilliantly. It must be so difficult. Especially because you live a distance away

Has he had his head scanned?

Blood tests for high calcium?

Just thinking of possible cancer related reasons for his confusion.

So sorry you are both going through this

Dad has now been prescribed antibiotics for a urinary infection which may explain the confusion and uncharacteristic aggression.

Full body MRI appointment on the way.

He’s having weekly blood tests.

This morning he told me he’s glad spring is coming because it will be lighter when he gets up.

Get POA for medical and finance reasons asap. We did this with my mil whose deterioration was equally quick and devastating.

Has he been tested for a urine infection? They are quite common if someone has a catheter and can cause some dementia like symptoms. My dh is 82 now but had a hip replacement aged 79. He developed an infection which sent him totally gaga, forgetting things, where he was etc. It might be worth asking for a test given the rapid onset of symptoms.