DH contradicts what I want/like or don't want/like.

[PrivatePersonal]

What is this called, when you tell someone you want one thing and they insist you want something else?
It happens about anything. Driving, sex, things to do with the kids. I am fairly sure its not just me he does it to.

It feels to me like he has decided what he's going to do but wants to frame it like its for the other person. If I say "actually I'd like to drive" or "no I really do want that to happen" he will contradict me. I have tried every way round of explaining or insisting or asking why, but he will never accept. Often he gets angry and it becomes an argument, which of course makes me less likely to bother most times.

Put simply he tells me how its going to be and that its because that's what I want. I don't.

Gaslighting

Controlling? Assuming he knows what you need better than you know. I think you need to stand up for what you want every single time and if he won’t get out the habit of telling you what you want then that’s a bad sign.

It depends how bad it is and how much it affects you.

Mine has a hard time imagining the inner lives of others so if I tell him I don't like something that he likes, it's just...noise. He can be reasonably insistent, as well, if I'm not 100% factually correct about something.

It is annoying and I occasionally have to sharply remind him I'm an autonomous adult, but he isn't really trying to tell me what to do or what to like.

Is it like that? Or is it worse?

This would drive me bonkers but I’m a stubborn git so would really dig my heels in

I will drive
No you won’t
Yes I will
But you don’t want to
Yes I do
Are you sure, I’m sure you don’t want to
I’m sure I do want to

And so on.....

I’d keep very calm and when he started to get annoyed or argue I’d call him on his anger or ask him why he’s getting annoyed or angry, and then start again with the I want to drive, then. I’d just get in and drive

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Why are you and he together?.

He is trying to control you. Its no life for you or any children to be witness to either. Does he act similarly with them or is this treatment solely reserved for you?. He has likely ramped this abusive behaviour up over time; abuse like this is insidious in its onset.

What is he like with family and friends?. My guess is that he is all sweetness and light with them.

This sounds unlivable. It’s terribly controlling.

Sorry op

You said

He does this with sex as well?
If it's you said no and he insists
That's rape?

Thanks. Do you have any advice on how to tackle it?
I really feel I've tried everything and he just puts up blockers. When we get to "But I've told you I do want this thing. Do you think I'm lying? Do you think I don't know what I want? Why won't you accept or believe me? Surely I'm the one who gets to define what I like." It eventually gets to him saying "Well I'm not going to...(whatever it is)" and that's it.

Although I see there is value in challenging the behaviour, it never ever actually works.

If he does this with sex I'd leave. That's very abusive.

He doesn't sound like he cares about your needs and wants. Why are you with him?

So what he’s actually doing is trying to convince you he wants something a certain way. If you continue to disagree he tells you he’s doing it his way anyway? That’s abusive . He controlling you

I think the telling you he knows what you want, is actually just a way of telling you what is going to happen in a more palatable way.

Ie he’s clearly already 100% in his mind decided what’s happening. The fact he doesn’t back down when you challenge him tells you this. So he tries to persuade you that it’s what you want as then it feels like a joint decision but in fact it’s totally his decision.

He doesn’t sound very nice

So if he says you do want sex and he says you do, do you end up having sex with him?

My ex did this. Drove me insane.

He decided that the reason I don't like swimming is because I don't like getting my hair wet (it's not) and he would tell everyone this even when I was sitting there saying no, it's not that.
And he bought me a swimming cap for my birthday.

I'd ask for peppermint tea, he'd bring normal tea, when I questioned it he'd say he thought I'd prefer the normal tea.

The list goes on.
And, yes, he started doing it with sex too. If I didn't want to he was sure I really did and would like it once we did it. It started with me being polite and ended with me having to physically push him off, til the time I didn't but had said no and that was rape. I'd got so fed up of it. Same with always wanting to do anal, which I don't do, but just 'missing' the right orifice.....

Hence he's an ex.

We've been together over 20 years, the kids are teens, and as for ramping up, well I guess it did that over the first few years, then it was a whole lot worse for 15+ years (not going there just now please).

Things are improving, and I want to be able to discuss this particular issue without having to decribe it longhand each time I mention it.

Re sex, its more about particular behaviours. He wants things I don't or don't always. I enjoy things he doesn't value in the same way. I don't want to write a 1000 word essay on it to do it justice, but he frames it as making him feel bad because surely I must be just doing it for him rather than enjoying it. This doesnt help me enjoy it or feel relaxed.

I don't want to get stuck on the sex part because I think its a problem in itself that affects sex and other things too. I want to be respected as (so much more than) someone who knows when they want to drive or have sex or eat McDonalds and isn't lying about it. Surely that's the most basic thing.

TheBlueDog, it would never get that far because he would just say he wasn't coming then, which ruins it for everyone. He has no qualms about that, in fact he will make a big show of it. We were on holiday 700 miles from home, I drove us to the nearest big town after one of these conversations. He spent the whole journey looking at train times back to our home. Then about an hour after we got there he created a 3 sentence argument and caught a bus back to the holiday cottage. I am very glad I was the one with the car.

I don't think its just me, though for many years I caught the worst of it.

So if he says you do want sex and he says you do, do you end up having sex with him?
That doesn't happen. Its all done backwards. I have to initiate in the right way (idk) often enough and also only when I genuinely want it. Its a self defeating minefield. I only get told (or asked whether) I don't want or like it, never told I do. Actually I think that's true in general, eg "since driving is a burden for both of us, I'll drive"

Its under discussion, but I am stuck on the particular point I am asking about. Me defining what I like, and being believed.

God he sounds exhausting. He doesn't respect you as an individual at all.

Since you seem determined to stay with him you could try this:

Every time he tries to tell you what YOU want, give him a long hard stare. Ask him if he's deaf. Ask whether he heard what you said. Or if he wants you to repeat your request. Yes it might feel rude as you're not used to being so direct. But the direct approach is needed here. Stop playing nice. Just say 'are you going deaf? I'm worried about you. I already told you what I want. Maybe you need to go to the doctors about your hearing. It's getting worse".

20 years? It will not change. Not a chance you will have a normal, loving relationship with him. Your choice is to put lots of effort continuously, into making small boundaries for yourself, which he will constantly try to undermine, or leave.

Sorry.

PrivatePersonal

And you are with him because.....

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

There is no tackling this with him because this is who he is. He does not want to know and he feels entitled to act like this to boot. I would think that actually one or both his parents act the self same way too.

Would you want this sort of relationship for your children, no you would not. So why is it seemingly good enough for you when clearly it is not?. You're showing your children as well that this is still on some level acceptable to you. Why are you doing your bit here to teach them such damaging lessons on relationships?.

What you have tried too has not worked. Your only real option long term is to leave this man and I never write that at all lightly. This will be your life with him going forward as well.

OMG how have you done this for 20 years????
Do you want to continue to do it for another 20????
If not, then you need an exit plan.
This is a horrible way to live.
It's called being abusive by gaslighting and also abusive by being controlling.

I think a stock sentence to use from now on (until you can leave) is...
'What? So you think I don't my own mind?'
'No, you are saying I don't my own mind?'
It still seems you are telling me I don;t know my own mind!'
And just keep repeating.
And walk away if he still isn't listening.

I had a 3 month 'relationship' with someone like this.
I ended it.
Him - I think you would rather blah blah blah
Me - No I wouldn't
Him - Yes you would
Me - No I wouldn't
Him - Well I still think you would
Me - Fuck off you asshole - I know my own mind. Never ever assume to know what I'm thinking - You have absolutely no idea.

He still didn't get the message - BINNED!!!!

When it comes to something like this, the person who is doing the controlling doesn’t appear to believe the person they are doing it to can be trusted to make their own decisions, they make bad decisions if left alone and they also think that person can’t be trusted to tell the truth. It’s a huge disrespect to the other person that they are inferior dishonest and incapable.

You can’t exactly change that because it’s so ingrained. My ex will never in a million years conceed that I am any good at making decisions because he has no respect for me whatsoever, he’s also ingrained this in one of my D.C. who now questions everything I do and say because she has developed no faith in me either (I believe through her DF consistently putting out this message)

I don’t do LTB very often either but the only other option is to be very direct (possibly rude) and stop trying to persuade him to change as I honestly don’t think that will work