hi, i have just joined looking for some help. Im a 43 yr old guy and ive been in a relationship with my partner for 20 good years. We are extremely close, and by my own admission, i have sometimes been a bit possessive, but no more than a lot of men i think. In the earlier days of our relationship, we were living together, i found texts on her phone from a man at her work, it was all talking about splitting up from me, moving in with him etc etc. We had a massive argument, she said nothing had happened etc etc and we moved on. Everything has been great since, we have travelled together, love each others company, soul mates. Then 4 years ago, things started to feel a little off, lots of bickering, nothing major. She had a good job and had to start going to meetings and courses. One night, i still don't know why, we were going out for the evening, and i said i forgot something and ran back to the house. i checked her bag and found a secret mobile phone. It was full of sexual texts from a colleague of hers at work. He was very explicit and she was very explicit in her replies, there were also loads of calls made. I confronted her over it, feeling like i was going to die. My life was literally destroyed. She confessed to having an affair for the past few months, and that she hadn't been going to meetings etc, that was all made up to go and have sex in a car park. I didn't know what to do. so i phoned the bloke up and threatened him, told him to stay away. As far as i know he has, apparently he got transferred, again something i cant confirm. We talked and talked and talked and i couldn't bear to lose her as i love her so so much. She told me it was to do with the fact she had low self esteem from childhood issues which i was aware of, and she wanted to feel like she didn't deserve me. We agreed to try and repair things. And we did. But we never truly spoke of it, i always asked deep questions but she could never 100% answer them. Time moved on, so did we. The next year i lost 2 people close to me and i had a nervous breakdown, everything had just been too much for me. I had therapy for anxiety which helped and i took up meditation. Everything has been great since, the last 6 months have been the best ever. she has a new job, i have promotion, all good. But all of a sudden, its come to the same time of year it happened and i have that nagging feeling and the memories are playing havoc with me again. She came home and says she is joining whatsapp which freaked me out, she doesn't understand why. The fear i have over her using something like WhatsApp for work colleagues is massive. I realise that is probably wrong, but considering twice before, on a mobile, with work colleagues i feel justified. She says she just wants to have some fun on it, and she'll hardly use it. I know how it works, and how all of a sudden lots of other people are contacting her on it (she works for a big organisation)She says she loves me to bits and wants to marry me, as i do her. But she feels that i should be over it now, and how long will i keep stopping her doing the things she wants to do. I don't feel she understand my side of it at all, even though we have spent so long discussing it. She says she is made to feel like a teenager having to explain to a parent what she wants to do instead of just doing it as an adult. i get that, but my trust is still broken. Any help is greatly received.