I feel mortified posting this so I've NC'd.
I was with my ex for a long time (not married). In the last few months of the relationship something was very off and for the first time he was physically abusive. One day he wanted to be with me, the next he was saying he wanted to be on his own. I asked him several times if there was somebody else. He said no. I realise now he was following The Script.
I knew something was very off, so when he told me about his new girlfriend a few weeks after he finally left I was highly suspicious. I'd caught him looking at sites for sexual services in the past.
I got on with my life for six months or so, but recently he wanted to meet. His new relationship had ended a few months prior. He was devastated. He loved her. When I left he made a dramatic grab for me and kissed me. Like a fool who'd had too many drinks I responded.
It was then that I learnt enough to challenge him with my suspicions. She's a foreign sex worker. He claims he only cheated on me for a month or two but going back through things in my head, I know it was at least six. He's her "sugar daddy". They have transactional sex, and he tells everyone she's his girlfriend. The saddest part is, he thinks she loves him and that their relationship is special. He was heartbroken that she "dumped" him and he said he tried to destroy her. I told him he was out of his mind and to never contact me again.
So when I saw him yesterday with his suitcase, heading up towards the station at a time I've since seen corresponds to the time of the only flight of the day to her city, why did I feel so utterly and completely floored that this "arrangement" is back on?
He was abusive, violent, he stalked me, controlled me. I don't want him back. Yet the thought of them together repulses me, makes me feel sick. The thought of him and his sleaziness repulses me. The thought of bumping into them together. His lies. Lie after lie after lie.
How do you cope with these awful images and feelings?