How can I be better?

[fluffythings]

So..I've been with my partner almost 7 years we have 2 children together and I have 3 from a previous marriage.

Since having my youngest child 2 years ago I've completely lost my sex drive and would much rather roll over and sleep that have to interact in sex with him 😬

In the beginning of our relationship things were great and we couldn't keep our hands off each other, even after our first child was born things were fine, but in the last 2 years I can't summon up the energy for it. I can't use the kids as an excuse because they sleep fine (although my youngest didn't sleep through until 18 Months) no problems, it's just I can't be bothered with with any affection what so ever!

Now me and my other half have arguments all the time over this, I'll get in bed he'll try it on and I'll make any excuse not to (even lied that I'm on when I'm not) he gets really frustrated with me and most of the time he'll get the hump and mumble something before he turns over and I'll go straight to sleep not given two shits that I've hurt he's feelings 🙈 he often calls me an ice queen and that I'm not at all loving or affectionate and it's true I'm not a touchy feely person what so ever, I find it hard to talk about my feelings/emotions so when he says "you don't love/fancy me anymore I just say "don't be daft" and walk away 🙈 the thing is I do love him and I do fancy him but I don't find it easy to reassure him.

He's told me numerous amounts of times that me being like this will be the end of us and I don't want that I want to be that affectionate touchy feely person but I don't know how too 😥 I know he adores me and the kids but I'm afraid that me being so cold towards him will eventually make him leave for someone better.

I think the reason I'm like this is because of my relationship with my ex (older childrens dad) he broke me so much that I stayed on my own for almost 10 years, not even dating.nothing!
In those 10 years I built a wall so high I never let anyone come close to me, afraid of getting hurt again.
I so want to be better but how? Please someone help me 😕

Sounds like quite a few issues burbling away there fluffythings.

Are you saying that when you got together with your DP, you still had unresolved issues from your previous relationship that meant that you couldn't let your current partner get emotionally close to you?

I think for many men physical rejection is quite hard to handle - not every man of course, but for many of them they can hack it for a while and then they feel that you are not just 'not in the mood' for sex but not in the mood for them at all. I'm not saying this means that any woman should just give in and have unwanted sex, but it is something to be aware of.

What are you feelings towards your partner? Do you love him, are you still attracted to him? I couldn't really tell.

The thing is you were one way when you got together and completely the opposite now, no wonder he feels used, unloved and probably like he's been misled. In his situation he's probably thinking "if I knew what was going to happen I'd have never married her". Not saying you should do anything against your will but your marriage WILL end unless you can find a solution. Being on the receiving end of constant rejection is soul destroying and eventually he will decide he's had enough.

Well, your wall isn’t that high - you may have been alone for 10 years but you’ve been with this guy for 7 years and chosen to have 2 kids with him - and things were fine until recently.

So I’d start by not jumping to a reason that is big and difficult to undo.

Start small.
Have you changed contraception method in this recent time?
Are you hitting peri menopause?
Are you genuinely happy with him? (are there other issues?)
How is your health, generally?

I could have written every word of this myself - I felt like I could have easily gone for the rest of our lives without having sex. But I also knew that we would have split up and in my heart knew that I wanted to be intimate again, I just never felt the urge and didn't know how to get myself feeling that way.

If you can financially commit (it's quite expensive, for an extended period of time) - I wholly recommend Relate Sex counselling. Obviously this also needs both of you to agree to going, but for us it was either this or break up our family - we knew we wouldn't last if we hadn't got professional help as I just couldn't change the way I felt.

It's still hard, but we've been honest and feel like we've been given the tools to move forward.

The fact is we have to make time for it, almost plan it in the diary. And we've learnt to take our time (as you describe, we'd got into the habit of getting into bed and it he'd try it - which either worked (which felt out of duty) or I'd brush it off and he'd get upset - understandably, when it was happening all the time!) - now we commit to spending the evening having dinner at the table so that we can rally talk (we'd ended up always eating in front of the TV), having a bath together, or making time for massage with candles etc - so now if feels like a more natural thing. And now I enjoy it more, which leads to wanting more.

I'm not saying this is the ultimate fix, but for us it has really helped.

I really hope you can find a way forward as I really understand how you feel - it's like a feeling of being broken or being abnormal but not knowing how to fix it.

@MargoLovebutter I feel so bad for rejecting him so often and I can see why he gets so upset but I also get so frustrated with him getting so upset and seeing him as needy, I'm so pissed with myself for being like this I don't mean to be.

@m0vinf0rward I know he will eventually leave me and at this point I couldn't blame him.

@Ellisandra yes all was fine, I must say though in the last year we've got into huge debt, we both stress loads over it, it's on my mind 24/7 so going to sleep is the only time I switch off from it.

No contraception
Not going through the menopause
I'm happy with him most of the time

@PazRaz10 thank you for your advice.

I must point out that we're quite young, I'm in my early 30s and he's in he's late 20s, we were so madly In love once, but 5 kids, huge debt, not a lot of money, life's stresses and strains takes its toll, we don't do much alone, he works long hours and I'm a Sahm, I know we should make more effort with each other but it's hard it's really really hard 😞

@fluffythings It really is hard.

I don't think it matters what age you are - life gets in the way and priorities change. But,m if you both want to get through this the first step is to talk. If you can't afford Relate - there is advice online. But you both need to be on board and accept that is isn't working the current way so any new 'techniques' should be explored.

It's hard to even find time for each other - we sat on completely separate sofas. So even the move to sit together of an evening was a help - just sitting close, stroking legs etc whilst watching telly begins to bring the closeness back. It doesn't have to be about going out on proper dates.

Like I said - we have to diarise the time. Seems very clinical, and not overly romantic - but it has really helped. Especially as we were on a zero base, so could only go up!! And has relieved the pressure a little (so to speak) as I know he's unlikely to try it on on other nights and therefore get frustrated, which often led to us bickering.

Also, I think you need to start thinking 'How can WE be better' - you have to work on this as a couple. There is no point in you trying to make all the changes in only yourself, as it won't be sustainable.
You have to make changes together as a couple to achieve a joint goal - of a more intimate and happier relationship.

I would recommend counselling as it really help my relationship when we had sexual issues. It isn't cheap but what price a happy marriage?

Well - he should leave you - it sounds like you are destroying him - and you can’t meet his genuine need for love, affection, closeness or intimacy - either physically or verbally or in any other way. He has raised the issues and you have brushed him off and avoided any kind of honest interaction.

The only thing I would say - is do you know how much it would mean if you shared with him what you’ve just shared with us?