I think my marriage is over

[Havingahorridtime]

As the title says I think my marriage is over. I’m not really sure how I feel.
I’m concerned about the impact on the children. Change will be devastating for two of the children as they have asd. One with asd might have to go into residential college as I don’t think I can cope with him on my own. Im worried about finances as I have been unemployed (carer) for many years.
But I’m not sure there is a way back for our marriage. One of the asd children doesn’t sleep and needs constant supervision when he is awake for several hours each night. My husband rarely helps at night because he says he has to go to work and therefore cannot help. When I say this is unfair he threatens to quit his job (our main income).
I feel tired and resentful and our sex life has suffered because I just want to sleep when I go to bed and find it difficult to be intimate with somebody who I feel is quite controlling and selfish. He has his good points but I just feel emotionally drained at the moment and don’t have enough energy for everyone.

We argued a few months ago and he said some horrible things to me (probably trivial things in his eyes) and I haven’t been able to move on from them and we are less emotionally and romantically connected than ever.

He went to work yesterday morning and barely said a word to me and told me he won’t be sharing a bed with me anymore,
He came up to bed very late last night.

I’m not sure there is a way to repair our Marriage and for the first time in 25 years I am considering a life without him because we are both fed up. I have always felt really sad at the thought of splitting up but this time I am just concerned about the practicalities and children. I’m not sure I can tolerate being blamed for our marriage problems anymore and live with his controlling ways. I’m sure sadness and regret will hit me at some point but at the moment everything just feels very damaged.

I don’t know what I expect to gain from writing this down but well done if you made it to the end.

Oh dear. I am sorry, OP. It is my understanding that parenting children with additional needs can really put strain on a marriage. Have you ever sought couple's counselling or therapy to help deal with the issues? Do you want to fix things?

My husband would not ever go to therapy and I’m not sure it is something I want either. I’m unsure about whether I want to fix things or just move on without us being together.

You sound as though you need some counselling for yourself. In the meantime get some advice on the financial aspects of a split. Your situation is not usual in that you have a been a full time carer for a long time with your husbands agreement. Work out your options and what you need and what your son needs. Then tell your husband what you want.

Leave him out the spare sheets for when it gets home, choose particularly hard to fit ones of you can. Uncovered duvet etc. Bagsy all the pillows whilst you are at it. Dump his clothes on the bed to go into the wardrobe. He likes late nights so a few chores will be useful after he has made his own supper.

Spend the day making your room an oasis of comfort. Order takeaway for you and the kids

I’m just wondering if your children would be eligible for some support via social services, perhaps to give you some much needed respite. Carer stress is no joke. You must be so exhausted. It must be so difficult to function and have intimacy with your husband. No wonder you feel so angry and resentful. He does sound selfish. The situation is driving a wedge in your marriage. When was the last time you and your husband went out just the two of you?

We have been out, just the two of us, once in the past three years minion. The lack of going out is definitely a problem for my husband but we have no family to babysit and money is tight so a babysitter at £15 per hour on top of the going out would be really difficult for us and whilst my husband thinks it is worth making sacrifices to do o just feel or would cause financial stress on top of all the stress we already have.
We do get regular respite for one of the children who has asd (the college aged one).
I think both me and my husband are a bit depressed but he won’t go to the doctors. I went a few months back and was offered online counselling which I might take up.

We don’t have a spare room lemon so he is on the couch with a sleeping bag.

You sound numb with unhappiness. You deserve better.

I have a son with complex needs who goes to complex needs school- and he doesn’t sleep- so I completely get where you are coming from.

Something that stands out to me is you saying if you were on your own your son would have to go into residential care because you couldn’t cope- it seems you aren’t coping right now so what’s stopping you from investigating this or at least some proper blocks of respite?

I would tackle this first before you make any decisions about your marriage. Lack of sleep and exhaustion from caring duties is enough to send anyone over the edge.

I totally agree with PP. don’t make final decisions right now about your marriage. Both you and your DH are under significant carer stress. Contact social services ASAP. Explain that your marriage is under huge strain as a direct impact of the impact of caring. Tell them that if tour marriage breaks down then there will be a high risk of the need for a residential placement. Sending you huge hugs. Is there a local carer’s Charity locally? I think it might be helpful to know your rights as a carer. Your local authority has a statutory duty to assess your needs as the parent carer of a disabled child. Your well-being is significantly compromised at the moment. Huge hugs to you xxx

Just want to send you an enormous hug as I know just how incredibly emotionally and physically exhausting it is having a child with complex SN. Also not having anything in the way of support and zero quality with your DH and other children.. It can be utterly soul destroying and tests even the toughest of marriages... Wishing you and your 2 DC every happiness.. Really importantly; take care of yourself x

*quality (couple) time

I have to say I really disagree with LemonTTs advice. OK he's become selfish and he's clearly not happy in the relationship, neither is OP. But is the petty, childish behaviour necessary?

Thank you everyone for the advice. We have talked things through and I think not talking was building resentment and bitterness. Things are by no means resolve and happy but hey are better than a few days ago and we are trying to find a way forward.

That’s really good to hear. Marriage can be difficult at the best of times, but you and your DH have a unique situation that adds pressure to the whole family dynamic. It would be so sad if you both drifted apart because if this. Take all the help that is available. I know that social services might be limited but that’s why I think a local carers charity might help. You might be able to link with other parents in similar circumstances who could offer advice and support. Wishing you all the best of luck xxx

thank you minion. There is a local carers charity but it is just for carers aged under 21.