One Sided Friendship - Why don't people ever recipocate?

[October2019]

I need advice regarding my friends and some family members how they treat me, our relationships is always one-sided. I used to invite friends for dinner/BBQ and have not had one single invite in over 10 years - I have stopped inviting them.

In July, I sold at a community festival for two days. I asked my son to come and help me, he refused to answer my calls or texts (my son is 24 years old). The two friends who offered to come with me, one phoned me at 8 pm to say that she had been invited to a party. This particular lady had a conference last year and I worked all night and the next day till midnight as we had entertained the delegates. I had even to pay for my own dinner despite working non stop for free.

I was so upset that she could let me down at 8pm when I had to set up from 9 am the next morning.

The other lady, whom I had equally helped a lot - gave her tons of gifts, went with her for her appointments, she too told me that he wanted to go to the gym instead. I went to the festival by myself and had to beg strangers to help me set up my Gazebo. I could not even go to the loo as I had no one to look after my stall, however, I met a very nice lady at the festival.

I had an 8 weeks contract and I asked my son if he could help me a few days a week to run the business, he refused but then came to ask me for help a few weeks later, which I did. I asked him for something small - he refused and told me, "I cannot trust that information with people." I reminded him that I was not just any people, I am his mother. I had always helped my son financially but my has never given me a mother's day card or even a birthday card for that matter.

I am no longer in contact with the two ladies. Am I expecting too much from my son and friends?

Apologies for the spelling mistake

No you aren't expecting too much from friends but you are giving far too much to acquaintances and then expecting too much of them in return.

You need to out some boundaries in place and start saying no occasionally.

You are putting yourself in a position to be taken advantage of and people are doing so.

Friends wouldn't let you give so much of yourself.

E.g. "tons of gifts" "This particular lady had a conference last year and I worked all night and the next day till midnight as we had entertained the delegates. I had even to pay for my own dinner despite working non stop for free"

Friends wouldn't accept tons of gifts or expect you to work that long and not feed you

Truthfully I couldn’t be arsed to sell at a community festival either. It sounds boring and cold. If you’d guilted me into saying yes I can imagine the sense of dread building until I worked up the nerve to just text you and say I couldn’t come. It doesn’t mean I’m not your friend. It just means selling at a community festival is shit.

Your family should be reciprocating invites though. And your son should be making an effort for mother’s day etc. How is he even available to help you with your business for a few days a week though? Is he not working or in education?

I think you are one of those people who expects to do lots for others and for them to do the same in return. Nothing wrong with that but actually most people won’t be as ‘community’ minded as you. They will not see it that way and you will be disappointed.

You need to become more independent. Dont accept going to a community fair if you can’t set up on your own or arrange for the organisers to do it for you.

Your son is entitled to keep any information he likes to himself.

@sputnikbear But you'd be at best a shit friend for letting her down at 8pm the night before.

I agree to do crap for my friends that I don't enjoy, because they're my friends and they need help and it's reciprocal. I'm much more comfortable over-giving than the other way around, but I would soon be unavailable to a user. If my one of my friends let me down for a shitty reason they'd know I was annoyed/hurt, and I wouldn't put myself in the position of depending on them in the future, nor would I allow them to use me for their needs. The friendship may or may not survive, no biggie, I have plenty of other friends and can always make more.

OP regarding your son, stop giving him money. You may wish to continue bday/xmas gifts and cards, but make them smaller. Say no to his requests, if only because it is parenting to help him to grow up and function as an adult. Don't do shit for your "friends" who can't be bothered to do shit for you.

I’d grin and bear it as a favour for a couple of hours but not two whole days. I’d probably have said no earlier. But I can understand how people get cornered into saying yes then as the dread builds they eventually snap and upsetting the friend seems better than having to do the shit thing.

Thank you everyone for replying.

This festival attracted over 100,000 people in July. It was a very hot day and they had all kind of activities including classic cars in the park.

He is in education but was out of work and I was going to pay him for working for me - the business is internet based. All he had to do was mainly making orders when I am not at home.

I was actually asking my son for the information that I had given him in the first place. As for the two ladies, they could have come with me in the park and help me to set up and then leave. I was upset that they had to leave it too late that I could not make any arrangements to ask someone else.

Also, I had planned to pay them and buy them dinner.

Did they know they were going to be paid and treated to dinner? Did they realise they could just help set up and then leave, or did they think it was a two day commitment? Did they know you had nobody else?

Re entertaining, some people don’t, I’ve gone off the idea in the past 12 months because it’s so busy at home all the time (5 teens). I don’t want to entertain others too, the idea feels exhausting.

Does your son have a job? If he’s working full time or almost I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect him to give up two days to help you sell stuff at a festival. Is that your source of income, ie a job? I know a lot of people who sell at events like this but it IS a job, a source of income to them. It’s not something I’d ever want to do though and I’d be horrified if I had a friend who thought I wouldn’t mind helping out, sorry OP! I don’t ask my friends to come to work and help me at my job and I don’t want to help them at theirs.

You do sound thoughtful and caring, but did the people you helped actually ask for your help and expect you’d put in long days and effort? Or did you just volunteer? If they’d asked, I’d expect they should help you but if you’ve volunteered assistance I would not necessarily expect the same in return. Honestly sometimes I’d much rather give a nice gift as a thank you than have to tie up my time doing something I really don’t want to, time is precious.

@Spurnik, I agree with you. The lady who asked me to help her plan the conference (attended by approximately 300-400 people) It would have been unfair for me to let her down at 8pm, the night before.

She had delegated so many responsibilities to me - printing some literatures, asked me to buy loads for stuff for the conference etc.

I think it was about doing the right thing.

@Finn, she especially asked me to help her. It took two months to plan the conference, we had to travel to different cities to promote the conference and several meetings to plan the event. We had to set up the night before for the conference.

Had to work almost all night to get the materials ready for the conference in the morning. I had to be at the venue at 6.30am in the morning to do last minutes task.

I did not asked the first lady to help me - she said that she would like to come and help. The event took place on Saturday/Sunday.

I think the main thing was just to help me set up and they could enjoy the music festival and many other activities that was taking place.

If I'd told someone I was going to do something, id honour it whether I really wanted to do so or not.

People need to say no straight away or honour their commitments.

It's unfair to let people down at the last minute.

Unfortunately when your obviously a kind person who wants to help people, you attract the takers.

I’ve had a similar epiphany since doing counseling for something else and one thing I share on MN a lot that has really helped me to identify how one sided my relationships are is to mirror the time and effort of others.

Since then lots of people have dropped out of my life, lots of others have come in but I’ve immediately identified them as fun acquaintances and so have less expectations and am happier in tgat. Lastly I have more time to do what makes me happy and by more self reliant for my own happiness and less on trying to get a buzz from how others see me or making them happy.

@Flower, thank you. I agree that 8 pm was unreasonable to cancel. She cancelled on Friday night, which means that I cannot find someone at such a short time.

It was embarrassing begging people to help me and they asked me, "Do you have people coming to help you later?" That made me cry - I have always been there for people but I was so upset to be let down at such a short time.

I was told, "They are not your friends, you need to get rid of them..."

@Joys, thank you. Most of my friends and family members are takers. I could not think of taking without giving. Most relationships fail because people do not know how to reciprocate.

Why don't people ever reciprocate?

Because generally, people are massively selfish with an 'I'm alright jack attitude'.

Yes I am synical, but have learned the hard way in life that when you have a good nature and offer yourself to others at your own detriment, this is often abused.
The mistake you made is to judge and trust these women by your own standards. Standards they just don't have.

Letting you down so late notice was thoroughly shit and completely selfish of them. I'm glad you are no longer friends as quite frankly they cut the friendship the minute they cancelled leaving you in the lurch like that.

I genuinely don't know what people get out of friendships these days.

I was told, "They are not your friends, you need to get rid of them..."

I'd be inclined to agree...

I'm a 'helper'. I've always volunteered and would be there at 3am for anyone who needed it. I became an advocate for someone I met in the pub after only meeting him a few times. He has autism and was being severely let down by services. I could help so I did. We are now good friends.

I do it to the point that is have stayed and helped with your stall if you'd needed it if id been someone you'd asked for help that day.

But I also have far stronger boundaries now when it comes to people who are taking the piss. And I always pay attention to how people are responding to my support/friendship. If they take it for granted/take advantage I withdraw it very quickly.

Gosh OP, her asking you to give that much time and effort for her not to reciprocate (even in a lesser way) is pretty awful behaviour from her. Unkind. I totally understand you no longer having contact with her.

You sound really kind, giving and community minded. That’s pretty awesome. Keep doing what feels right for you. Sometimes people will let you down but there will be others like you out there too. 💐

OP, you sound absolutely lovely and one of those people who is always giving. Unfortunately, there are many people out there who find it much easier to keep receiving.
Regarding your son, it doesn’t sound like your generous nature has rubbed off on him. Do you think you’ve always made life a bit too easy for him? What is his father like?
Hope you find some new friends who reciprocate more

I don’t necessarily think ending friendships is right either, but reframing then is the way to go.

Not everyone we spend social time with us a close friend but they are amusing to be around. Reframing them in your own mind to fun aquaintance rather than friend can be useful. I have lots of those and these relationships are much easier for me because I never feel let down by them or give too much of myself.

It also helps to have a plan on how to be different in future. We need to take responsibility for not putting ourselves forwards to do things for others, and that’s hard because it’s what we naturally do!

We also need to have some tactics planned and practiced should others ask us for things but have never been available to us. A great way I have if dealing with this is to think of something I’ll be doing soon and tie that into a deal of any help they’ve asked for, preferably that they would need to do before they need you. If they don’t help then you don’t help! It’s beack to the mirroring principle I mentioned before.

Thank you so much ladies - I think she wanted to help, however, she had a better offer when she got the invite to go to a party on Saturday night. Festival time was from 10 am - 5pm.

I sent her a text asking her what time she would coming to meet me. She told, sorry, I have been invited to a party. I am not sure at what stage she was going to tell me that she could not make it.

So, you could imagine, I had stuff all over the place and arranged transport and now, I had to do it all by myself - the other lady then told me - I am going to the gym.

I have learnt a very valuable lesson - some people do not see what you do for them, then when they need something from you.
As for my son, he had always been selfish - when he needs something, he will pester you till you give in - his father was also very self-centred.
My reasons for cutting the ladies out, it was because I have had enough of their behaviour.