I think that DH secretly has favourites and it makes me really.

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DH and I have two children together and he has a DC from a previous relationship who lives with us half the time. Two of the DCs are in primary school and one is in nursery.

I worry that DH doesn’t have as strong a bond with my eldest child, his middle child, as he does with his eldest and the youngest.

DSC and my DC1 are the same sex and DC2 is the opposite sex. At the time DC1 was born I sensed a distance from DH and DC1. He didn’t hold DC1 in hospital after the birth, for example. I offered and he declined because he didn’t ‘remember how to hold a newborn’, but there are loads of photos of him holding newborn DSC, shirt off, skin to skin, Athena poster style pics - his mum has it up in her house, so I know that was a bullshit excuse.

I feel like when DC1 turned out to be the same sex as DSC, he felt like DC1 was somehow ‘competition’ for DSC. I dunno, or maybe he was worried DSC would’ve thought DC1 was replacing them so DH distances himself from DC1 to overcompensate out of guilt.

We since had DC2 who DH dotes on in away that he never really did with DC1. DC1 is very independent and not at all needy - prefers to be off doing their own thing and interact on their own terms. Which is fine and unlike DSC and DC2, who are clingier. So I think DC1 is unaffected by it. But whereas I seek out DC1’s company (sometimes to their annoyance!) because I just like being with them, DH and DC1 can go days without any kind of meaningful interaction.

Like I said, I don’t think DC1 really notices right now but I do wonder whether they might as they start to get older. I’ve raused it with DH who of course denied it to the hilt. But I think I’m right about it and it makes me really sad. I can see ‘sides’ being taken in our family and I don’t like it. It sort of divides with me and DC1 on one side and DH, DSC and DC2 on the other.

I’m not sure what I’m even asking really. I guess how can I make sure DC1 never ever gets wind of it and how can I stop feeling so sad about it. Does this happen in other families too? Is it actually quite common just nobody ever talks about it?

I'm sure it is very common. Children are people with their own personalities, just like adults are, and some we connect with better than others. The trick is not to let it show! Difficult!

You can’t make sure he’ll never notice his father doesn’t love him as much as his siblings - he will, and it will hurt. You can make sure he knows you love and prize him.

All you can do is talk to your H about it.

I don’t think I could continue loving a man who did this

Would it be worth asking a family friend for their opinion ? Favouritism is very damaging, but you are are n’t giving specific examples. I would encourage your husband to spend more time with dc1. Could they do a hobby together

Do you think that maybe the middle child is more independent and less needy because they didn't get that same attention when they were younger?

I think it's probably a guilt thing as well btw because they don't live full time with the "first born"