I’ve recently split with partner and a friend thinks he was abusive which I thought was an extreme remark to make. Looking back I’m now confused and I’ve been reading things that resonate with me now but I can’t think straight. Your lovely opinions from an unbiased perspective would really help.
We met 5 years ago. Instantly he was so loving and generous and I had flowers, romance and he said I was his soul mate. I was swept away. Within 6 weeks he was living here and he talked of marriage and babies etc. It was like a dream. After 4 months we were settled when out of the blue he dumped me as his ex was pressuring him to go back to his family. A week later he came back. He said she’d been coming on strong and he was confused and was so sorry so I forgave him. We carried on for 6 months but we only saw each other a couple of times a week. I was besotted but he always put himself first. His attitude changed but I assumed it was worry over what he’d done. Out of the blue he dumped me again and I was distraught. We were apart for a while.
Eventually, we got back together but had to keep it from his ex. He has spoke of marriage and buying a house and when I was with him he was so loving and caring. But I saw him on his terms which suited me because of my job. If I wanted to plan something concrete I always got maybe then he’d forget. He would tell me he was going to do something like take time off work for me but then he took time off to be with his mates and when I brought I up he denied ever saying the time off was for me. He hated the air fresheners in my house and turned them off all the time. If he did something hurtful and I called him on it I usually ended up apologising as he turned it round on me. I caught him lying about having his kids overnight so he could go out with his friends and I got silent treatment till I apologised for snooping.
He would take part in races but not tell me and he would rearrange having his children to socialise but never for me. He borrowed £14000 (two lots of 7 10 months apart) but has nothing to show for it. He wouldn’t always respond to texts coz he was busy and then I’d get a loved up message that his head is all over the place as he’s busy. He said crying makes him run away so I shouldn’t be emotional. He told me that if I want something from him I should ask but when I did he said asking never gets. I did feel like I buried a lot as it felt like I’d get nowhere so I did cry quite a bit on my own but I couldn’t bring it up with him as when we were together he was totally lovely and charming and told me he loved me and that I, and we, were amazing.
He gave advice and it’s only now when I list it it seems controlling. He hated air fresheners and turned them off, he asked me to wear brighter colour s as I look beautiful in them, he wanted me to buy tight jeans and complained whenever I wore baggy ones, he wanted me to cut my hair and change the colour, buy an expensive coat, eat different food, wear heavier make up are some.
He has again broke up with me as he want to move his life forward and he said were on different pages as I want a house and he’s not sure. He totally denied bringing it up. He made everything my fault as if I’m holding him back and he doesn’t want to deal with the conflict.
This came out of the blue as in we were planning a holiday on Sunday and hefinished it the following Friday.
I’ve since found out he then went on 2 maybe 3 holidays/breaks with his friends. He is 40 and acting like a child.
A close friend thinks he has something wrong with him emotionally and my head said she’s right but I miss him.
It feels good just getting this down in writing. Any advice or opinion would be gratefully received.