Why am I not ok with this? Sorry long post

[kbt]

DH and I have been married for 25 years. Before he met me he had been with someone but recently split, then found out she was pregnant. Didn't want anything to do with girl or baby and has not wanted to for the last 25 years, I tried over the years to encourage him to find out about child but he was adament that he didnt want to be involved. Well at Christmas daughter found him, and he has totally thrown himself in body and soul with emotions I didnt even know he had. We have two girls ourselves and I encouraged him to have her come visit. She did, it was hard but we all got through it and felt that we would be able to make her feel welcome as a member of our family. Trouble is that she doesnt seem to want that she just wants her dad. Well I am sorry but we are a unit have been solid and I feel that she needs to join our unit if she wants to know her dad. He is quite happy to email and talk to her once a week in private and then just feed me snippets of information when he feels like it. I feel totally excluded and am not coping at all well. I have had a breakdown, am now on AD have panic attacks and cant sleep or eat. (I am not a weak person and am normally the rock when we have family crisises) He is a planning a trip to see her on his own in two weeks (she lives abroad). I told him that if she had made more of an effort to answer my emails and be a friend then I wouldnt feel so excluded so he suggested that I speak to her on the phone and tell her how I feel. Well I did, probably gave her a bit more information than she needed and we both got upset but I still couldnt get her to say that she could see my side of things. This was four days ago and no email which I really thought she would do, (she is 25 we are not talking about a child here.)I am frightened that this is going to be the end of us. Does anyone out there know how I am feeling, coz nobody around me seems to understand they just say it will get better. Sorry it is long.

Can't really help - sounds awful.

I broke your post dwon to make it easier to take in though:

DH and I have been married for 25 years.

Before he met me he had been with someone but recently split, then found out she was pregnant. Didn't want anything to do with girl or baby and has not wanted to for the last 25 years, I tried over the years to encourage him to find out about child but he was adament that he didnt want to be involved.

Well at Christmas daughter found him, and he has totally thrown himself in body and soul with emotions I didnt even know he had. We have two girls ourselves and I encouraged him to have her come visit. She did, it was hard but we all got through it and felt that we would be able to make her feel welcome as a member of our family.

Trouble is that she doesnt seem to want that she just wants her dad. Well I am sorry but we are a unit have been solid and I feel that she needs to join our unit if she wants to know her dad.

He is quite happy to email and talk to her once a week in private and then just feed me snippets of information when he feels like it.

I feel totally excluded and am not coping at all well. I have had a breakdown, am now on AD have panic attacks and cant sleep or eat. (I am not a weak person and am normally the rock when we have family crisises) He is a planning a trip to see her on his own in two weeks (she lives abroad). I told him that if she had made more of an effort to answer my emails and be a friend then I wouldnt feel so excluded so he suggested that I speak to her on the phone and tell her how I feel. Well I did, probably gave her a bit more information than she needed and we both got upset but I still couldnt get her to say that she could see my side of things. This was four days ago and no email which I really thought she would do, (she is 25 we are not talking about a child here.)I am frightened that this is going to be the end of us.

Does anyone out there know how I am feeling, coz nobody around me seems to understand they just say it will get better. Sorry it is long.

I don't know how you are feeling but my instinct would be that you should pull right back and leave them to it.
Why is it such a bad thing that he has his own relationship with her? It takes time to get to know someone, I'm sure that when they do know each other a bit more she will be more interested in her second family.
The wisest thing for you to do is leave them at it.

This is all about him and his DD - whom he has been separated from for a long number of years. I think it is natural that they are being quite intense as they get to know each other.

I think you should just stand back and let them get on with it.

You sound threatened by their relationship?

Kbt I am 29yrs old and have recently(november) been in contact with my father for the first time since I was 14 and that time was the first and only time I met him.

I don't obviously know the particular circumstances but I think they're simular enough for you and I to chat about.

I don't want to impose but if you want maybe I could answer some questions for you from the point of view of the 'other' daughter.

Will understand if you don't and hope all works out for you.

You say that she is "not a child" - but as far as her relationship with her biological father is concerned, she is a child, and the pair of them are dealing with a brand-new father daughter relationship. Quite frankly, at present, as far as she is concerned, you are not really part of the picture. In time, you will probably be able to build a friendly relationship with her, right now it's not about you and you need to take a step back.

Have to agree with last post. I haven't seen my father for about 15 yrs. As a child I saw him a bit with his new wife. I have recently been thinking about contacting him but would definately want it to be just me and him seeing if we could build our relationship. It has nothing to do with his wife and I wouldn't want her there especially in the beginning. Also she probably knows that her Mum & Dad split up not long before your relationship started so she possibly is a tad resentful? Believe me when you come from a divorced family you have a lot of irratonal thoughts about relationships. I think you should be happy for him that he has this second chance and that she wants to give him one. Although I can see it's not easy for you I think if you force this issue you will lose out. You have no need to feel threatened by her (she's his child), you have been with her father for 25 years surely you can let her have him to herself just for a little while??

I know you say you come as a unit, but from the daughter's point of view, she has a mum and maybe some siblings, ie she has her unit, what she wants is the missing bit which is her dad.

Let her build the relationship with her dad, with you and your girls being on the periphery as friendly but detached extended family with whom she probably will form bonds eventually, but the more you force your "unit" onto her the more she will retreat.

Please don't allow this to come between your dh and yourself. You say you've had a breakdown - is that purely because of his daughter coming into his life, or is there more to it?

I think she is a child and I think he is excluding you. She will find it hard to see your side because she is young and has just got in touch with her dad. But personally I think he could be a lot more sympathetic. How are your daughters dealing with it?

They have years to catch up on.

She needs to get to know her dad as a person before she gets to know you, or how he is as a dad to other little girls.

I think you should step back don't try to rush a relationship with his daughter, if it is meant to be, then it will come in time.

Don't be jealous of a little girl who has grown up without her daddy, your girls have him now & for all their life, she didn't & therefore she needs to make up for lost time.

He will want to know about things & he probably also feels guilty for not being there over the years.

Give them time, let them build their relationship & maybe through time you will be included in it too.

Sounds awful for you kbt and I do sympathise but I think all the other posts are right - you can;t really expect her to think of you on a par with her father. However you can expect perhaps a little more from your dh - occasional snippets must be frustrating. I assume you have told him how you feel - maybe he can make more of an effort to tell you how he is feeling?

Do you think some counselling could help you kbt? Your reaction to all this may be extreme but it also sounds totally hellish for you.. depression and panic attacks and horrible to have to deal with.

To reiterate what others have said, this girl is not the other woman.. she is his daughter and for some reason, possibly through no fault of your own, your mind is treating this as if he is having an affair. You aren't losing him.. at least not because his daughter has come back into his life.. but you could if you don't do something to get yourself back on the straight and narrow. He shouldn't to torn between the two of you.. but he must feel that way already. And she really isn't a threat to you.. but you have made her one.

She is probably confused and upset about having to deal with this problem on top of all the emotions of getting in touch with her dad and wanting to build a relationship.

It's not too late.. back right off, let her and DH do what they need to do to get to know each other, be loving and supportive and wait and hope that you can eventually be a part of her life too. Don't expect it, just hope it happens. If it doesn't, you won't have lost anything and you won't have lost DH.

But to do this you are going to need to talk to someone who can help you break down all the emotions you are having and the reason for them. This CAN be done.

Relate would be able to help. You can go on your own and have receive exactly the type of counselling you need to help you with this. It's down to you really. YOU are in control of this even if you don't feel as if you are.

Good luck.

I think the poster's feelings are to be expected. This is the man she has children with. Two children. And now her children have a half sister and he's being a bit secretive. I know the first daughter and her father need to do what they have to do. But it will have an impact on the family unit and that's his responsibility too. Getting the poster to tell the girl how she feels is copping out.

Personally, I think it's going a bit fast. Visits, two week holidays etc. There are strong emotions here and they need to be handled with care and consideration.

sorry, I just had to clarify as I've read over my last post and it could imply 'chat on phone' or whatever - I meant here on MN just in case you think I was looking for your phone number or something.

I agree with the other posts. Hopefully with time and understanding on everyones part you will share new bonds and good times together. best of luck.

I have no experience of this whatsoever but wanted to offer you my sympathy over what must be a very difficult situation for all concerned. I actually agree with NKF's post.

I don't agree with the fact your husband chose not to have anything to do with his daughter for so long, but the fact is, he did decide to do that, and those are the circumstances in which your marriage has evolved. Now he has completely moved the goalposts - whether or not this is right from a moral point of view isn't really the issue so far as you (in particular) are concerned - the thing is, after a huge long time of behaving one way, DH is now behaving completely differently.

Quite possibly his intensity is motivated by guilt. Maybe he could shut this girl away quite easily while she wasn't "real" but after she made contact he could no longer deny her ? Whatever the motivation for his change of heart however, I think it is up to HIM (and not really the daughter) to reassure you and to try to involve you. This doesn't necessarily mean cosy family lunches etc straight off, but he should - if that's what you want - be telling you what they've discussed, and asking you about long trips, not telling you. It's not fair that he asked you to call his daughter to discuss your worries, because really, the impact of all this on your relationship with him is HIS responsibility, not hers.

I do feel that possibly the OP has had a little bit of a hard ride from some of the replies. She is now paying the price for a decision her husband took - arguably a selfish and irresponsible one - many many years ago, and I think it's unrealistic to expect her to just shrug her shoulders about it, because, by the sound of things, her husband's whole demeanour has changed. From a practical point of view (cost, using up annual leave etc) a 2 week trip from which she is excluded isn't something which many of us would be too pleased about irrespective of the reason behind it.

I do feel awfully sorry for any child in this position and I am not suggesting at all that her father should pull back, but I think HE also has a responsibility towards his current family and he should be far more open about what's going on as he gets to know her. Maybe RELATE counselling for BOTH of you would help ? ..... I can't help feeling that DH is coming across as a bit selfish, ignoring his daughter in the 1st place, thus creating this "problem" and now, excluding his wife when, understandably IMO, she has a vested interest in what changes this new family member might bring about.

Yes CM, can see it from OP's point of view too esp as H behaving secretively, however she said that the problem is that the daughter doesn't want OP's family unit just her own Dad and in my post I wasn't meaning to be harsh but trying to explain it from the abandoned child's POV.

Am I right in thinking that your DH is exposing emotions towards his first dd that you have never sen befre. Therefore that he has never shown towards your two joint dds. I'd be cross if that was the case.

Its not the same, but my mum left my dad when I was 12. Me, dsis and dbro stayed with dad. then when I was 15, Mum had a dd with her new dp (previously my dads best friend)

My Mum has always totally favoured her new dd over the rest of us. New dd gets loads of money spent on her, car, flat etc whereas we never got anything. New dd gets all her emotional needs met, mum ignored all of the rest of us for years - not toally, just is we really needed to talk about anything that mattered!!

Its not noce to be forced out for anyone else, esp as you thought you had a place and then it is knocked away from you. It eventually got to the stage (over this kind of thing and other, more complicated issues) that we no longer have contact. Its too much bother for me,

I feel for your dds. How old are they? I think newfound dd should try to fit in with the whole family she has found, not just her dad.

I'm sorry you are finding this so difficult. It must be hard. Though I sympathise with how you are feeling I think it's important for you to step back and look calmly at the situation.

I don't think you are being realistic to expect that this girl will have the energy or desire to develop a relationship with you at the moment - though given space and time that may change.

1. This girl has found her dad after 25 years of not having one. She must be in turmoil and may have had years of feeling rejected and bitter about not having a father in her life.

2. To her you may represent part of the reason she hasn't had a dad - whether justified or not

3. She has no rational reason to seek a relationship with you - you don't fill a gap for her

Try to be generous. Your children have had a wonderful father. It isn't her fault that she hasn't. After putting your family first for so long your dh is struggling with emotions that are valid and natural though he didn't seek them out.

This one just isn't about you. Fair or not.

The more you push the more you will create a "father and daughter" vs you situation that is likely just to make things worse.

Thanks for all your advice. I have decided to step back and leave them too it. Abroller I would be happy to chat, does your dad have a family and how do you relate to them?

kbt, some excellent advice here. I think it's normal for separated family members who find each other after years to have a very intense relationship at first. If you look at the stories of adopted children finding birth parents, or siblings who were separated as babies finding each other, your dh and his dd are following a well-trodden path.

I think you are doing the right thing by stepping back, however hard it is for you (and do appreciate it must be very tough and even threatening in some ways). Hope you are getting some help wrt the breakdown.