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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner going on holiday. help!

23 replies

chili545 · 17/10/2018 09:43

Hi all, my other half is going on holidays just him & his mate for a week & half, they’re going to a sort of party/paradise island in Asia. I am freaking out (but trying not to!)
The worst thing is when I found out first I let him know I wasn’t happy, since then he is refusing to talk to me about it, I think he’s just afraid to start an argument.
He’s leaving this weekend.
Am I over-reacting? I don’t want to send him off with a sour taste but I’m just dreading it. His mate is single, they’re both 40
there have been other issues, not long after we moved in together I found out he had a profile on a paid adult cam site and also a video message site where you can log on and video chat to randomers.
His first reaction when I confronted him about them was to lie and play dumb. He eventually admitted it but only because I’d seen the evidence.
He is super secretive with his phone & tablet etc. We are together 4 years and living together 6 months.
Sorry I should’ve mentioned this in my original post. I love this man dearly he is amazing with my daughter and to me in every other way but after I found those things suspicion has taken over believe me I don’t want to think like this and I don’t want to control him at all, that’s not in my nature.
Just can’t help but think he could go and get up to all sorts and I’ll never know.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 17/10/2018 09:59

It seems like you don't trust him so there's no point in having a relationship with him.

ThePinkOcelot · 17/10/2018 10:12

My DH has been on many holidays with the lads, or even just him and a mate. They’ve been to the Grand Prix, bike racing etc incorporated in to the holiday. I don’t think I would have been pleased with a party island in Asia though. Why on earth has he booked to go there?!

Original poster

chili545 · 17/10/2018 10:16

Before we met he had travelled round Asia with the same mate and loved it, they planned it ages ago for his mates 40th birthday.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/10/2018 10:24

not long after we moved in together I found out he had a profile on a paid adult cam site and also a video message site where you can log on and video chat to randomers

OP, you've only lived together 6 months.

He's really disrespecting you. You don't trust him, and you shouldn't because you know he lies to you.

I know the holiday is your immediate concern but he seems to have one foot out the door anyway.

He's going, it's not worth an argument now. But use the time he's away to have a think about what he adds to your life by living together when his behaviour sets you on edge and you don't feel secure in the relationship.

ComtesseDeSpair · 17/10/2018 10:25

There are separate issues here: I’d be pretty unimpressed if a partner didn’t like me going on holiday with friends or alone as I do both a lot. That shouldn’t be something you want to stop him doing. But, the principal issue here is that you don’t trust him, largely because he’s done untrustworthy things in signing up to cam sites. It doesn’t sound like a salvageable situation - what do you actually get anymore out of a relationship with somebody you can’t trust?

Thebluedog · 17/10/2018 10:37

You either trust him or you don’t. If he’s going to cheat it doesn’t matter if he’s on holiday, in Asia, or bunking off work for a quickie, he’ll do it.

The lying would piss me off and it shows a lack of respect, but so does someone who doesn’t want their partner to go on holiday with no good reason

Notacluewhatthisis · 17/10/2018 10:44

You moved past the lying though?

If you didn't why are you still together?

What he did was wrong. But I don't understand people who forgive their partners for something, carry on in a relationship and then use the incident as a reason for trying to control or influence their partners behaviour.

You either trust him or you don't. I can see why you wouldn't, but you should have ended it then.

He will cheat or he won't. If he is a cheater, he is a cheater. Doesn't have to be abroad for it.

loveyoutothemoon · 17/10/2018 12:57

So he's good in all other ways but unfaithful to you, that's a pretty major thing OP. Sounds like it'll only get worse and you've only lived together 6 months. I couldn't stay in a relationship like this, it would drag me down.

Olderbyaminute · 17/10/2018 13:28

Good grief he has lied to your face,strike 1, been secretive with social media/electronics,strike 2, going on a trip to a hedonistic party island,strike 3-so it sounds like he’s been unfaithful as well! Wow he’s lucky to be able to live the single life with a partner and her child living at home playing happy family! Is this the type of partner you want your daughter to spend her life with? I think you both deserve better

Original poster

chili545 · 17/10/2018 15:28

Thanks all for the replies. I don’t think he has been cheating I have not accused him of that and I honestly don’t think he has.. on the PP who said I’d moved past the lying, it’s a work in progress, it only happened a few weeks ago so I had decided to move past it since he apologised and we talked it out.. but then the hiding the devices reared it’s head directly afterward and it led to me fearing the worst about his holiday so it’s hard.
I don’t want to be the type of person controlling where he can go or not as I wouldn’t put up with that myself.
Also I moved the little one out of school and moved to his town to start a new life together, if I leave I will have to pull her back to her old school just when she is getting settled and disrupt her life all over again.
I think I’ll take the time while he’s gone to suss out how I feel and if the trust can be regained, if not sadly I’ll have to go back home with my tail between my legs

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/10/2018 15:33

If he’s going to cheat it doesn’t matter if he’s on holiday, in Asia, or bunking off work for a quickie, he’ll do it.

Except a horrifying amount of male tourism to places like Thailand and Cambodia is sex tourism. There are places that men go to get laid. And let's be clear, most of those women are either under-age or started under-age. And trafficking is enormous.

And he has form.

hellsbellsmelons · 17/10/2018 15:45

6 months in and it's like this.
No way.
Cut your loses.
Show your DD that we do not have to put up with cheating partners.

xpc316e · 17/10/2018 16:15

If he is really amazing with your daughter, I would be worried that he is hoping in some way to get into her pants, given his history.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/10/2018 17:01

If he is really amazing with your daughter, I would be worried that he is hoping in some way to get into her pants, given his history.

Jesus christ

Original poster

chili545 · 17/10/2018 18:37

Jesus! That’s a fairly extreme conclusion to jump to. No, I have no fear of this

OP posts:

crappyday2018 · 17/10/2018 18:43

Its really no wonder you feel anxious about him going away, give his track record. I mean why is he on paid sites when he's with you?? He's a liar OP, plain and simple. This isn't a great basis for a relationship. If he goes away again, you will feel the same. What about if he goes on nights out and doesn't come in until the early hours of the morning.
You will never trust him.

MsPavlichenko · 17/10/2018 18:48

Well you are foolish to discount the possibility that he may be a potential abuser.

He is a porn user, uses hook up sites, lies to you and is going on probably a " sex tourism " holiday. You really want to be with a man who sees/ uses women as sexual commodities? And lies to your face, is secretive etc.

Far better for your DC to suffer a little disruption in returning to a previous school than the damage to you both of continuing in this "relationship".

yikesanotherbooboo · 17/10/2018 18:58

Is this man actually your 'partner'? It doesn't sound like a equally shared relationship. You shouldn't have to feel anxious just because he is going away ; it's not good for you.think of yourself .

twilightsaga · 17/10/2018 20:22

I don't think the holiday is the problem it's the fact he's cheated and there's now no trust. He's also not willing to talk about it which isn't good

JosellaPlayton · 17/10/2018 20:30

The holiday shouldn’t be an issue, he’s an adult and he’s allowed to go on holiday with a friend if that’s what he wants to do. Plenty of people in healthy adult relationships enjoy separate holidays. The issue is that you don’t trust him, and with good reason. If you’ve only lived together 6 months and you know he’s on web cam sites, which you’re clearly not ok with, and he’s super secretive with techonology leaving you with a gut feeling that something isn’t right then that’s your problem. Personally I would take the opportunity of him being away to move out because you will never be able to trust him.

CashewNut11 · 17/10/2018 22:47

Liars don't wear dark cloaks and hide their faces. People don't hiss and boo when a liar walks in the room. Everyone lies to some degree.

It can be difficult coping with a relationship with someone who lies. They lie because their actions would be compromised and exposed if other people knew what they were actively concealing.

OR... it can be really simple. This is about what YOU want, about where YOU draw the line. YOU decide what people you want in your life and how near or far you keep them. We all know 'rogues/roguesses' , but we decide how close or distant we keep them.

And it's not just about his past actions but also your future together - has there been a shift in his behaviour, a shift that means he's happy to, automatically, consider your feelings?

And his holiday - will they be trekking, exploring out of the way places, or partying... because if he is out to party then there will be temptations, opportunities - and in many more ways than on home turf (I lived in Asia for a while...)

The choice is yours OP. He is who he is, not who you might like him to be, want him to be, hope he could be. There is nothing you can do to make him change his behaviour. However... you can see this as an opportunity to change yours

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 17/10/2018 23:46

Personally I would take the opportunity of him being away to move out because you will never be able to trust him.

^ I agree.

And returning would not be with your tail between your legs. Hold your head high because you know how to maintain your boundaries and retain your personal dignity.

DaveyDifferentGravy · 18/10/2018 06:50

And let's be clear, most of those women are either under-age or started under-age. And trafficking is enormous.

Sorry but that's nonsense. I would be concerned re fidelity if he was going to Pattaya though.

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