Narc mum - How would you move on / forgive this

[Lolly667]

There’s a massive backstory which is far too long winded to go into, but I don’t want to drip feed either so I’ll try and sum it up. I have posted previously with this username. I’m heavily pregnant, due any day now, and my mum has caused me stress throughout my whole pregnancy over a particular situation in the family, and I’ve seen a side to her I really don’t like.

We had started to try and move on, and she offered to clear the air last week. I sent a brief message explaining how I felt, all relevant to the current situation, and carefully worded, but got my point across. I thought we could move on now. But instead she has sent a really long message back detailing all the things she feels I’ve not done over the years (mainly relating to not giving her enough attention during every weekly crisis she has). The undertone of the message is basically I didn’t deserve her support during my pregnancy because I haven’t been supportive enough to her over the years. Which is bollocks.

I am devastated. Like ridiculously upset. I am days away from giving birth and can’t get past what she’s said. Many many hurtful things, and lies too. Nothing she has mentioned is relevant to the current situation (because I genuinely don’t believe I’ve done anything wrong) so she has had to drag up things from years ago.

I just wanted my parents to have a relationship with my baby. I have no idea how to move past this. The way I feel right now I want to tell her to fuck off. But I know that’s not what I wanted to achieve. I really thought we were making progress.

My DP says to message back one last time and point out that what she’s said isn’t true. He’s so angry at how she’s lied. But I don’t know if I even want to speak to her, and what could be achieved by pointing out the lies. She will just keep attacking and one of us needs to be the bigger person here. But at the same time if I don’t challenge her then she has won, and every time in the future this happens again (and I know it will) then she will keep doing the same because I didn’t stand up for myself. I’ve developed a bit of a take no shit attitude which she hasn’t seen in me before so I think she doesn’t know how to react to me. She’s always controlling, and she’s failing at trying to control me now. I don’t want to give up now, but it’s going too far now and she’s just damaging our relationship more and more with every nasty message.

I’m just torn between finishing what I’ve started and letting her see I won’t keep taking her shit, or protecting myself and backing down. I am not ready to go NC, but right now I just don’t feel like I like her or have any respect for her, or her for me. 😔😔😔😔 I just feel so sad

After many years of counselling due to my own issues with my DM, I feel your pain. People like that often don't even realise they're lying (that's not an excuse for it though), and can't see anything apart from themselves and their issues. Nothing you can say to them will make them see it.

If I were you I'd say your piece, state what you want and on what terms, but then be prepared to walk away or maybe just start with reduced contact if it's not agreed to. I know you want your DM to have a relationship with your child because she's your DM, but is it really the sort of person you want in their lives?

Also, her behaviour is not a reflection of you. You probably get the worst of it because you're close to her.

A narc doesn't know they're a narc, they just believe that they are always right and it is always about them.
Fighting with them and trying to reason with them does not work. How long have you been going in this direction? Trying to get her to see reason? Trying to get your POV across. Has it worked?
Go in the opposite direction. Go NC or LC.

Hi Lolly

No to your DPs suggestion to reply to her. Its no point and lines of communication should remain firmly closed. Also responding to her further gives her a way to upset you again.

I remember you from before and not all together surprisingly your mother is still causing you misery and pain. Your mother has no intentions whatsoever of clearing the air; its all about her and what she wants. You do not matter to her. Please do not let her have a relationship with your child; why would you want her at all to have that anyway?. She is not going to behave any better now that she is going to become a grandmother; she is still a narcissist and she has not changed since your own childhood. She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and such thoughts are all a part of your own conditioning at her hands. She cannot hold down any sort of a relationship with you; she is not built that way and it is not your fault. She enjoys the power she has over you.

The normal rules about familial relations really do go out the window in toxic families so talking about being the bigger person and clearing the air does not work either. It may work in functional families but your family of origin is not like that at all. Self preservation here is necessary and is not a sign of failure or backing down.

It is really NOT POSSIBLE to have a relationship with a narcissist. She has again not apologised nor has accepted any responsibility for her actions. You are still taking her shit even though you state otherwise. Her message upset you, it had the desired effect.

If you have other nice family members concentrate your efforts on them. Keep your as yet unborn child and yourself well away from your mother and stop putting yourself in her line of fire by at all responding to anything she says or does towards you. She is basically telling you, "come closer so I can hurt you again". You fall for it every single time.

She has had you well trained from soon after your own birth to serve her at your overall expense. This is also why you keep on trying with her, that and your own fear, obligation and guilt re her too. Self preservation here is really necessary; you must not keep on picking up the rope she holds out to you. It is ok to walk away from her and not play her game any more.

You are not your mother and you will parent your child very differently as to how you were. It is NOT your fault your mother is this disordered of thinking and you did not make her that way. You are not going to parent your soon to be born child in the dysfunctional ways you were also; you are a separate person from your mother although she wants you to be and remain an extension of her.

This is part of what I have written to you previously:-

Its not your fault your mother is the ways she is.

My guess as well is that your mother has always been this disordered of thinking but now you are going to become a mother yourself and further carve out a life for you, she does not like this because she is losing control of and over you. Toxic parents generally behave even worse when their own offspring become parents themselves. Your mother if she has a narcissistic personality thrives on drama; its what she lives for as well as narcissistic supply".

Setting boundaries with your mother could be problematic mainly because she will not respect those. Also you've been trained by her not to have boundaries re her. Narcissists will ride over any boundary you care to set.

I would keep your as yet unborn child well away from your mother when he/she is born. Your mother is not an emotionally safe or healthy person to be at all around.

Please lolly concentrate your efforts on your now burgeoning family unit and stay out of your mothers line of fire. You will thank your own self for doing that.

Please in good time read the daughters of narcissistic mothers website if you have not already and also find a therapist to work with. BACP are worth looking at. You need to find a therapist who fits in with you and one also who has NO familial bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment.

Thank you so much everyone. I was having such a bad night and posting on here has always helped me in the past to see the truth I needed to hear.

In truth I don’t want my mum to have an influence in my baby’s life. She wasn’t a good mum and she’s not a good grandmother. But it makes me sad that by lowering contact my baby won’t see my dad much, and he is a good grandad.

I think I just felt overwhelmed last night and I’m glad I’ve been brought back down to earth and made to see sense. I can’t win against her, I’m not winning now even though it feels like small victories she then changes the goalposts and I get a message like the last one. I plan to send a final message but not a confrontational one, and then back away.

She’s ruining all the excitement I had for my new baby arriving and I am even feeling dread now because I know she will make it so hard. I won’t let her do that.

Thanks again everyone

I would recommend going NC with your mother. Your dad needs to grow a spine and make an effort to see his new GC by himself if he cares. Seems so common that one parent is seen nice. But he let his wife treat you badly.

Would not send her any further messages; doing so opens a door that should otherwise remain closed. Radio silence from you is necessary.

I would not let your dad entirely off the hook here because women like your mother always but always need an enabler to help them. He is her hatchet man here really and cannot be at all relied upon either. He has failed you too by throwing you under the bus at your overall expense out of self preservation and want of a quiet life.