my mum died two years ago

[monalisa12]

Hi

My mum died two years ago We never had a very good relationship and now that she has died I feel like I should be getting on with my life without thinking about the past I cannot shake off the feeling of anger towards her, It is not with me all the time but now and again I will sit and think of the times we argued and to be quite honest if she had not died when she did I think I would have had a breakdown. Now that she is no longer around I should simply be getting on with my life and for the most of it I am I asked someone I knew whether if their daughter was a teenager or indeed an adult how would they treat them and their reply was you cannot control them as adults My situation was different. I was controlled as an adult and blackmailed if I did not obey I need to put this out of my mind once and for all but maybe two years is not long enough for this to happen. Anyone got any idea

Sorry to hear about what you're going through. Have you thought about seeing a counsellor to help you deal with you're feelings?

For me cbt and mindfulness helped retraining me into focusing on present rather than the past or future

Everyone has to think about their future so that it can be planned.

Monalisa from what you describe there was a lot of psychological pressure put upon you in the relationship with your mother. Even once you were both adults your mother has a huge affect on you for obvious reasons. It sounds like a lot of your feelings are unresolved, which would make a lot of sense because if she were still here it would be likely those feelings would still be unresolved due to the nature of your relationship. As the previous poster suggested I think talking to someone in real life would help you a lot.

To be honest I would not put any kind of timeline on when your feelings will resolve. Our relationships with our parents, especially our mothers, especially as women, are so fundamental that they affect us in so many ways. Part of what you may have to work through is the anger you have at not having a unconditional love from your mother. Instead she was constantly putting conditions and expectations upon you.

All of this would be best talked over with a counselor. There is definitely hope that you can come to much better place within yourself and feel free from her effects,

@monalisa12, I think gimeallthecake was referring to not thinking about the past or future in an unhelpful way, i.e. living "in the moment" with a little more ease.

But in any case, mindfulness may or may not be your thing, but I agree with the suggestion that counselling may help. Your feelings are completely understandable and it may help to be able to fully express them and process them.

I lost my mum also and had a lot of feelings about it, and counselling (which I'm still doing) has helped me a lot.

Just a thought though.

In any case, it's important to know that it's totally okay to feel angry, and if not a counsellor, it would be good to have somebody to let that stuff out with. A friend, this thread, whoever/wherever you feel is a good outlet.

BTW, a tip - if you do decide to try counselling, and don't get on with your counsellor, keep shopping around until you find someone who you gel with. I had to try a few times before I found this one, who is brilliant.

thanks to everyone. I had a very bad relationship from the age of about 15 with my mum. Before that it was ok. When I was 15 my mum either started being more demanding or I started objecting more. My father was an alcoholic and my mum had a lot to deal with from him and she said i was making matters worse. My parents eventually divorced and I stayed with my mother but things went from bad to worse and she sent me to live with my dad and my mother moved away with another man she met. I had a good life with my dad with no arguments or anything and then after a few years my mum came back saying she wanted to be with my dad again and then the arguments started again because she said she was taking me in hand and sorting me out. I was not a bad teenager but anyway I soon left home but things got no better and I stopped having contact altogether.. Then my mother promised to be different so I thought we could try again. We stayed in touch until she died but things never got much better. It got to a stage where as a grown adult in my 50s she saw fit to tell me what she wanted me to wear how to do my hair and if I did not do as she said she would cut me out of her will or she never wanted to see me again. She did not have much money and I have no siblings and I did not care about her will and she did have a bit of dementia towards the end but she kept saying to me "I want you to have short hair"and if you do not come to see me with your hair cut then do not bother to come back at all because you make me ashamed of you and then she said your dress is too short (it was only knee length) so your dress is too short your hair is too long you do not wear enough make up. She had nothing positive to say to me at all and demanded more and more money from me for her keep and I could not really afford it but she said you work so you can afford it and if I said no I cannot give you any more money she would argue ad argue with me until I gave in. She would say I am an old lady and it is your duty to care for me. If she had not have died when she had then I would have had a breakdown by now