Why do i feel scared of men?

[Itshouldbebetter]

I'm coming out of a long marriage and the thought of ever dating terrifies me. I just look at pictures and I genuinely feel unsafe. Heart racing and panicky. How will I get over that. I've never been hit so it seems so ridiculous.

why think about it so soon? no need to rush into anything else.

Natural and sensible to be wary after a marriage ending. Just focus on the benefits of being free to do exactly what you want and have fun. There is no obligation to date at any time

It could be a fear of the future, a fear of the unknown or something completely unknown that you don't realise.
After some introspection and the if anxiety keeps coming up then perhaps some therapy would help you uncover what ever it is that is causing these emotions.
I agree with PP the dating scene can be daunting after the end of a LTR. But there is no rush. Being confident in yourself is much more important. Discover yourself first. Meeting people will become easier.

Thanks everyone. You're right. I definitely don't want to date. I guess I need time to let things settle. I get on really well with men in general, at work and socially.
But when my friend showed me tinder, I just had such a panicked reaction. I think it's like an entrapment feeling. It took me by surprise.
Maybe it's because my ex has been so manipulative in our relationship. I can't imagine letting myself get into that bewildering place again.
Perhaps theraphy would be good after a year or so. By then I might know if I want to stay alone or try to work at my issues.

How bad has your breakup been? Was it emotionally traumatic? You are facing the unknown, some anxiety is normal.

As someone else said, what's the rush?. Take your time getting comfortable on your own, being in the company of platonic male friends.

If the feelings persist then yes, definitely consider therapy. Take care x

After coming out of a bad relationship years ago I didn’t go near a man or date for 3 years I think I needed that time for me and work out what I wanted and not repeat bad habits. Just give it some time, enjoy being single and it will come back 😊

It took me a year after a traumatic relationship to be able to date again, another year before I met my (lovely) DP. Give yourself time to heal.
Counselling really helps, IME

You may want to look into enrolling yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid as such men like your ex can and do mess with your head and boundaries in relationships. Love your own self for a change as well.

I think you're all right. My heads so messed up. I don't know what's normal any more. My boundaries have been trampled on for so long. I did reassert them at the end with a 'zero tolerance' approach, but it was so exhausting! I'll look at the freedom programme.
I'd like to think I'll experience a mutually warm and loving relationship one day, I can't imagine that atm.

Perhaps stay single for a while. Try to make a few male friends if you don't have any already, maybe through work. Then you spend time with men without the complications of a relationship.

Thanks. I do have plenty of male friends. It's weird that I no anxiety at all with men in that context, but after years of second guessing xh's mood, I think the anxiety is around getting trapped. Daft really as I am financially independent now kids are grown up.

I've just got the online freedom programme, so I'll start that tonight! Maybe it will put things in perspective for me...

This is actually quite chilling. I could see some behaviours in the freedom programme but this book 'Master Dealing with Psychopaths, Sociopaths, narcissists came up on my recommended list and it really descibes ex so well😔. Surely i should have picked up on this. Why do I always see good in people.

Then don't. We give you permission to enjoy life on your own for however long that is Some people in later life coming out of marriages never get with anyone again or have a more casual thing and live in separate properties to keep things casual.. the world is your oyster now hun x

I'm crying now. You're right. I'll never let this happen again. He keeps persuading me not to start divorce proceedings even though we've been 'separated' for nearly 2 years. I don't think of him as H but, in law, he is. He's in the spare room though and I don't want to enrage him. I need money from the house to set myself up. I have income to be independent then. I'm feeling stronger now. He says I'll ruin the kids lives if I make it official but I realise that's just manipulation. I know he's been dating. It's a mess that needs sorting.

Ah I didn't realise he was still around. Yeah don't even think about other men until long after he's out of the picture and you've "detoxed" from the scum bag!!

Yes, I've been weak about it. I've been to the soliciter and got all assertive but then I've been persuaded otherwise. There's been serious family illness that sapped my strength too. The other men thing is just me thinking that I feel so traumatised with the reality of a so-called romantic relationship, that the thought of any relationship sends me into a panic attack.
It's just a messed up head!

You are not weak, you have been manipulated and I suspect emotionally abused for years. If you have spent half your adult life doing what he wants for fear of the reaction then OF COURSE you are anxious about finalising the divorce.

Don’t worry about dating again. It’s WAY to soon to think about that if you are still cohabiting.

Just get you and the kids through this next stage . Do the freedom programme as a PP said. And some counselling too if you can .

Thanks. I will do that. x

Just be sensible and cautious, and you don't need to go on tinder at all.

Explore your freedom, the freedom course thing sounds good.