depression and anxiety in a relationship.....

[pieceofcheese]

This is my first time posting on here, please be kind I'm running on 5 hours sleep. Apologies that its a bit long.... I'm trying to fit everything in!
My boyfriend recently did a telephone consultation with the NHS wellbeing team and the outcome was they initially think he is experiencing Anxiety and Depression. I have had a feeling that this is the case for about a year and I'm very ground down and worn out. We have lived together for 2.5 years and been together for 3.5. I have been probably the only person that has been directly affected by this, apart from him obviously. His way of dealing with this for so long has to be just to stick his head in the sand and ignore it or control everything very tightly to avoid anything that might make him anxious. The collateral damage from this is what is happening between us or more to the point what doesn't happen. He is very unmotivated, we moved into a house a year ago that needs a lot of work doing to it and its ground to a halt. Unless I push very hard for anything to happen it won't, I simply don't have the energy to push hard enough to get things to shift, I also feel very strongly that I shouldn't have to push him. He won't initiate anything, housework, date night, days out, holidays.... none of it, it all has to come from me - this wasn't the case when we first met.
I'm angry and upset and sad that this has happened, we've just come out of two quite challenging years where I was studying and I feel like now should be our time to flourish and grow and start to live. I've found work very quickly which is a huge achievement and theres no space for this at all.
We are on our second week of fighting and arguing and I'm so exhausted that I've almost forgotten about the real reasons why I was upset in the first place were. We end up playing stupid word games where he wants to direct the meaning of every single thing I say rather than listen to what I'm saying. He'll then present what I have said in a really reduced way that makes me sound unreasonable and ridiculous. His reaction when I explain that something upsets me is to shut down and ignore it or get 'pissed off' with me. He hears anger in my voice when its not there, I'm exhausted and upset. What results is hours of arguing where I eventually shout (I'm not a saint I'm human), cry and he shuts down. My main issue is that he simply does nothing to help the running of the household/our relationship unless I instruct him too, and even then he might choose to not do it because he shouldn't just 'do as he is told'. It would be fine if it occurred to him to maintain our household/relationship off his own back, even if it wasn't exactly the way I would have done something. It makes me incredibly anxious to live in a house where I might be nervous to invite someone round, this isolates me even more. I arranged everything for my birthday this year, and he didn't think that it was a problem that I did this. I've got to the point where I don't trust him to sort anything out.
The man I fell in love with is kind, caring and understanding of others and cares about me and what I think. This just seems to have gone completely.
From my initial internet searches there is a lot written about being a 'great supportive partner' to the person who has anxiety and depression. I really resent this( and hate that I resent it), of course I want to support him but it just leaves me asking, what about my support? what about when I need something?
He has a second telephone consultation today - but they might not offer him anything further, he has to want to address it, I can't make him, I'm fully aware of that.
Has anyone experienced anything similar? I don't want to be bitter and resentful. Underneath all of this we love each other an awful lot. I suppose I just need some more support and a hand hold. I want to be the supportive partner but without compromising what I need from a relationship.... and I just can't see a way to do that....

Sounds like he has an avoidant attachment approach to the relationship as well as potentially passive aggressive approach. I don't mean he is doing it in a conscious way, more sort of his depression means his self esteem is so low he can't handle dealing with situation so avoids / trivialises the matter at hand. Then of course when you get frustrated and react, it's 'justifies' the initial approach not engaging / being awkward. It's very difficult to deal with. Ever my mantra but I would recommend couples therapy / guidance. So you can both discuss what's happening. He is clearly unhappy about something, which is impacting you and in turn impacting the relationship. If you haven't already have a read up on passive aggressive partner and avoidant attachment. Mind help you understand it. Especially the depression / low self esteem aspect.

hello. I am with someone who sounds very similar to your bf and it was really getting me down for a long time. we decided to give couples therepy a try which then lead onto him continuing personal therepy on an ongoing basis. he is also on antidepressants and has taken up a sport.
there is hope - it's all made an enormous difference and our relationship really is great now. both people just need to be willing to do the hard work to get there. if he isn't keen to seek the help though then no 1 would blame you for needing to walk away. I couldn't put up with it any more.

I just asked my husband to leave for just this issue. I have no idea how he solves it but after years of him doing nothing to help in the house / being angry, frustrated and depressed by me and DD I cannnot stand it any longer. He moved out a week ago and I already feel so much lighter in spirit. I feel sad for him as he is still incredibly miserable and down but I cannot fix him!

I just need some more support

Isn't that what your partner needs too?

He's been diagnosed with depression and you're bleating on about how it doesn't fit in with your plans.

Thank you for the kind words! It's helpful to hear that I'm not on my own with this!

I mentioned that I want to support him. I'm so ground down and exhausted that im not sure how to anymore... Im finding it hard to find a way to do so when I can't see how I and our relationship fit into his life or even his idea of his life. My plans are fluid... I'd throw them out the window (and have several times) if I knew it would help.. I want to find a way for it to work for both of us. There are windows where it's like none of this is going on for us and we our ourselves. I've mentioned therapy. I need to wait and find out the outcome of his second wellbeing phonecall... I think there probably is such a thing as too much therapy. I just don't want to go home tonight to another sleepless night of arguments and sadness...

If your relationship is that crap, for whatever reason, I think you should call it a day. If he has depression and anxiety it's likely that he will always have them. They can be controlled somewhat by medication, but unless they're situational they are likely to persist and as you aren't married and don't have kids I think you need to take a long, hard think about whether being with someone with these long-term conditions is really going to suit you. If you're so ground down and miserable after just one year of living together, then that would suggest that you're not really very compatible and, in all honesty, it would be better for you both if you face up to that now, rather than later.

You have to think of the airplane oxygen mask analogy. You have to protect yourself first before you can help him. Try not get dragged into the 'noise' of what's actually happening. Set boundaries. Only discuss things when you are both calm and ready. Be clear, if you need time out, that you need time to clam down and will come back the discussion etc.
Lean on a friend or family member for support. I have found great comfort in just understanding what it's going on. It helps me process it and look more objectively rather than taking it personally.

In my experience it's really hard being in a relationship with somebody suffering from anxiety/depression. My wife and I separated 4 months ago. She has been affected by anxiety/depression for over 20 years. During our 10-year relationship, her mental health became more and more of an issue. This affected the dynamic between us; I would try to support her, help her, encourage her, try to look for every positive, whilst at the same time gradually realising the utter futility of trying to make a depressed person happy. It's a familiar story - we had a nice house, two beautiful children, no money worries and a happy and rewarding social life. Yet my wife was permanently anxious, unfulfilled, unhappy, and completely unable to engage with the usual joys of life.

Her mental state took on a huge significance in every interaction we had. There would always be an unspoken pause as I ascertained her mood and how she was feeling. Over time, I withheld my own emotions from her. I found it very difficult discussing my innermost thoughts with somebody who, frankly, had no headspace for them. (Looking back, I should never have let this situation become the norm). My wife's way of dealing with her depression was to put on a "mask" for her public life, whereas at home she was in complete turmoil.

This does not make for a happy marriage. I can really empathise with your reluctance in setting out things that need to be done. I found it almost impossible to discuss practical matters as it was never the right time and would always leave to confrontation. The problem was in my case that depression made it really difficult to deal with daily life.

I feel guilty to say it but I found it hard not to resent her mental state running our life. We went through two years of considering a separation at her instigation. We finally separated in June. Whilst I bitterly regret what happened with our marriage, I feel as though an immense burden has been lifted from my shoulders.

I'm following this as I am in the same boat, I can't see a way out right now so these responses are helpful

I feel for you OP. I have just ended a 25 year relationship with someone very similar. It was always me who did anything or had any motivation. He always said he was depressed but would never say why except that there was a time during this period that he had a very stressful job and went to see his GP. Then the job changed and that stress wasn’t an issue. On the whole I came to the conclusion that he was actually unhappy doing anything much and smply preferred to just sit in front of the tv, mow the lawn or go to his hobby event once every couple of months. I am not trying to trivialise your situation and it sounds like you love your dp and are trying to help but there will come a point when you do have to think of yourself. Like another op said I now feel lighter than I have for years. For what it’s worth. You can’t change people Good luck x

I would confirm if he has a diagnosis of depression and anxiety. If so, then he, and you, face a multitude of challenges. He is sick and if you want to support him in the illness you need to understand it.

A depressed person will not be motivated and will not respond to pressure in any form. His definition of pressure will be completely outside your norm. For example, just asking if he did any work on the house today, will be a highly stressful question and situation. Because if you imagine your most stressed and desperate situation ever, then that is a measure of how he feels all the time. But worse because he can’t see or think of a way out.

The old adage that if he had a broken leg you wouldn’t expect him to walk or fix the house is apt but just doesn’t go far enough. It’s more like every bone in his body is broken and he is in constant and irreconcilable pain. You can’t even tell him he needs to get it fixed and he may be refusing care or medication.

Supporting somebody with depression and anxiety is bloody hard and very painful. I got advice early around how to handle it and for me it meant thinking through every single interaction and if I was not able to be calm and thoughtful I had to walk away until I was. I spent a lot of time doing mindful activities (exercise, time in the park, Pilates etc.) and couldn’t function at work. This was all so that I could manage my behaviour around him, no questions, no pressure to do things, affirming my belief and love for him and saying how well he was doing. At times this was not how I was thinking. I could have walked away because I was so angry and hurt and didn’t think I loved him any more. Never mind the fear that this was just an extreme and gutless way for him to say he wasn’t happy with me or the relationship.

If you can’t do any of this then maybe rethink the relationship. But you have to take the drama and arguements out of it. The description of your interactions sounds really unhealthy anyway but would be terrible for somebody with depression. You need to change or leave.

Mine recognised he needed to do something and that eventually included complying with the GP near direction that he needed to take ADs. These were transformative. I got back the man I loved, happy and fun to be around. In fact way more considerate than I had experienced for a few years. I think the depression was there for a long time before it became major.

My advice, don’t rely too much on therapy and ignore medication. It doesn’t seem to be working. You may need to tell him that. I did in the end, said I couldn’t take anymore if he didn’t start to try to get better. That prompted therapy and he started to exercise again plus taking ADs.

I don't want to say I know what you're going through because my experience is a little different, but I can relate to the hopeless and resentful feeling. My boyfriend suffers from anxiety in a big way, but this is mostly centered around health anxiety. I feel so unsure of the best way to help him. He's taking anxiety medication, the original one he was taking worked fantastically and I could see the old him again, but due to weight gain he switched to something else and it isn't having the same effect. I have to keep talking him down from these attacks where he thinks his heart is beating too fast or where a headache is a tumour and I feel so useless, like I'm not helping at all? He is in good health, but could do more in the way of exercise and things outside of the home. He is quite introverted. Ive talked to him about cbt, counselling in general and he won't do it. He's too self conscious. So like you, I don't know what else to do. And it's hard. Wait and see what happens with the phone call, and if nothing comes of that tell him you want to go to couples counselling, it could be a good way to inch into 1 on 1 sessions, if he refuses then idk.

Hello
The result of his second phone is that he has accepted a short block of telephone counselling to tackle the anxiety with the view that this will help start doing things more and lift his depression. I"m feeling more level headed about things and I feel like he is open to things shifting. He does recognise that it isn't easy.
We had my graduation celebration yesterday and it was a nice day. He's arranged to meet up with friends tonight which I think is brilliant - 6 months ago he wouldn't have done this I don't think.
Writing and reading here has helped me gain a bit more perspective on where we are at I think. I've also got some time with friends lined up too for me! He is not against the idea of some therapy together to help us communicate better. Things much brighter over here.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write....

At times this was not how I was thinking. I could have walked away because I was so angry and hurt and didn’t think I loved him any more. Never mind the fear that this was just an extreme and gutless way for him to say he wasn’t happy with me or the relationship.
LemonTT I think this is exactly where I was when I originally wrote, especially the fear that its our relationship that is making him unhappy.

Oops... things seem to have gotten out of order above!

Really OP - in two days with zero intervention this whole sorry tale has turned around? I am not mocking you - but suggesting that you may be in denial here, wishful thinking etc. This won’t get you anywhere. Do not make any further commitments to this relationship - marriage / children until the dynamics are addressed - as these will spiral him and you both down so far and so fast.

Looks to me like there are quite a few layers going on here. As PP has said agoidant attachment and passive aggressive seems to be his base personality - read up on that. Also the rows sound emotionally abusive. You need to read up on that as well. V b b easy for all to be tickets-boo in the early stages of a relationship dating/first time living together. But after time adult responsibilities kick in and it is how he behaves here tells you how he really is (spoiled man child? Who doesn’t do his own laundry and housework - really? Misogynistic even if he expects the woman to pick up after him? Buying a house that needs work seems to have tipped him from his base personality into the depression he is experiencing right now.

Depression might EXPLAIN some bad behaviours but it doesn’t EXCUSE it. This is the line from illness to abuse/neglect. Does he CARE about the impact on you? Does he want to reduce that?

Couples counselling would be a good start.
A few telephone sessions won’t shift this dynamic.

What are his parents like? What was his childhood like?

Build your own life to fulfil and reward you in the interim because he is dragging you down.

Far from it another20 however I have had more sleep and since his second phone call he has felt better. I"m hugely sceptical about the telephone sessions BUT he has accepted them and they may be the first step he needs to take to start exploring other possibilities. I have to give him an opportunity to try it surely.

I'm not expected to do laundry or housework and its never been implied that I am supposed to pick up after him. I wouldn't stand for it if he did and I would be out of the door sharpish.....

He does care about the impact it has on me and has expressed this.

I wont be making any further commitments at all... Its one of the things I've said. I'm very aware that more commitment right now would be dangerous.

Buying a house, handling a new role at work and my studying are all factors that I think has contributed. Its been a really tough few years and we lived very far away from one another before we moved in so its taken time to adjust and work out what each person expects...

I do need to be able to feel that things could get better and I am building my own life for me too...

I think it needs clear boundaries going forward. Depression, anxiety and low self esteem can make someone passive aggressive. Doesn't make acceptable, but until they are well, they are not capable of seeing it / comprehending it. It might be far down the line when they look back they realise their perspective at that time was flawed due to their well being. OP seems happier and as if both turned a corner which is great but yes, moderation and don't get carried away.

You've had some great advice here, especially from Raconteur.

How old are you, OP? And is this his first episode of anxiety/depression - or is it recurrent?

If you're in your 20's & without children, I would seriously consider leaving.

Staying with someone who is depressed, avoidant & passively aggressive will have a huge impact on your life, especially if you have DC. Facing the challenges that life brings in your 30's & onwards (marriage, children, illness, bereavement, redundancy) will be made more difficult difficult if you have a partner who cannot support you.

It all sounds very one-sided, with you propping him up & getting nothing back. What is he contributing to your happiness?

I have a partner with similar traits, who did not tell me of his depression until I'd moved cities & jobs away from my family, to be with him. Had I known beforehand, I would have cut my losses. I'm now in my mid/40's with 2 young children & life is not easy; he has been unable to hold down a job, we have had financial worries due to this. His depression has impacted our whole lives, from sex, to parenting, money & social life.

Perhaps have some counselling on your own to work out what is best for YOU.