Just realised my DH just can’t ‘nuture’

[Justbackfromnewwine]

Just realised he can’t nuture and that’s what I really want/need. Not sure how I didn’t see this earlier or didn’t mind - we’ve been married 13 years.
He can be affectionate but sort of on his terms and to meet his needs.
Sometimes he asks me how my days been but it always feels he’s doing it because I’ve got upset in the past that he doesn’t ask.

It’s weird as I’d forgotten but this weekend I was reminded of how a couple of years ago I had a wisdom tooth removed under general anaesthetic. Our youngest (of 3) was 1 at the time. When I came home (day surgery), at some point I realised he was nowhere to be seen - he’d gone upstairs for a lie down without saying anything, because his back hurt, leaving me in charge of the dc including 1 yr old a few hours after general anaesthetic.

Just one example of many.

It’s been a tough year and I’ve thought about leaving but at the moment have decided to stay, we have done some talking and am trying to work through some stuff.

But when I remember this incident it’s just left me feeling very low and sad. However much he might want things to be better between us he’s not going to fundamentally change as a person so therefore I will never have someone I feel nurtured and looked after by.
Sorry it’s a bit of a pity party!

Crap and I forgot to name change.

My hubby struggles with nurturing too. I have countless examples of lack of nurturing similar to yours and I know friends with even “worse” examples than mine!! I think men in general struggle with it...they’re not accustomed to it in the same way most women are (sorry for the complete stereotypical view but that’s my experience at the age of nearly 43). Recently I’ve suffered another mc and I’ve VERY plainly put it out to him that I NEED him to nurture me how he’s never done before and tbf he took 2 unexpected days off work (this is unheard of esp as he is a contractor so only paid if working). I know with my DH it helps to be completely prescriptive as how what and how I want him to do something...maybe you could try similar?

Just for reference we’ve been together 21.5yrs and married 18.5yrs.

This isn't about nurturing, it's about fair partnership and being a respectful and kind human being. Men aren't inherently incapable of that. Some men have simply learnt to put their own needs first, because they've always been allowed to. I'd stop doing anything whatsoever for them until they learn to take responsibility and behave like a proper partner and parent.

I think this is true of a lot of men. It doesn't make them bad or lazy, it's just how some are wired. My husband does feel empathy but nowhere near to the level my friends do. He really wants to be helpful and supportive but it involves a lot of spelling out exactly what he can do.

Just realised he can’t nurture

He can. He just chooses not to and you accept that.

You're describing selfishness, and that's a choice. Always.

Idontbelieveinthemoon

Just realised he can’t nurture

He can. He just chooses not to and you accept that.

You're describing selfishness, and that's a choice. Always.

^^ THIS

I'm very lucky. I have a DH who is very nurturing for me and DC. But I have met "non nurturing" men and I do agree, it is selfishness. OP, does saddness post give you any hope or are you past that?

Thank you, and sorry about your miscarriage

You’re right that being prescriptive is the way forward, and he will follow instructions - it’s basically what I have to do with parenting. Though I had a moment when I barked ‘interact!’ at him the other night when (I had suggested) he should do a bed time story since he was going to be abroad the whole week with work - and I realised that’s probably not normal!

So yes, that is probably what I will do and how we will plod along, it just gets me down sometimes and I worry about if I were to become really ill and totally reliant on him.

My husband was 100% like this! the amount of times i had a general anaesthetic and he didnt really except that he needed to be there for the children or me.
He always appeared to put his emotional needs first, when he was emotionally responsive it was only for a short amount of time, its like he couldn't maintain it at all.

We are now nearly divorced, for me it was part of a much bigger issue. I think i would think long and hard about if this is just the issue or if its part of a much bigger problem. Yes he may just be emotionally clumsie or the truth is that he may not consider you as an equal in the marriage, thats a different story in my mind.

Ugh I feel your pain, I had a scheduled c-section and went through in explicit detail what I would need my husband to do beforehand, fair play to him he was brilliant. At the end of 6 weeks however, it went exactly back to how it was before, he had done his bit.

I had a big row with him about how he wasn't supporting/helping me in our new setup as parents and he said "just tell me what you want me to do and I will do it". Ideally I wanted him to use some degree of emotional intelligence to figure it out and do the right thing on his own, sadly I'm going to have to continue telling him what I need, at least that way I get what I need rather than hoping he will read my mind.

I agree with some previous posters that it can be selfishness or laziness but ultimately some people need more explicit communication of others needs in order for them to do the right thing.

Men are not inherently unable to 'nurture' some, like my XH, are selfish and used to putting themselves first and we put up with it.

It killed my marriage and he still doesn't get it.

My now DP is thoughtful and caring, looks after me when I'm ill or just tired, offers to make me a cup of tea (and knows how I like it made) etc etc and doesn't expect a medal for doing it because it's what kind people of either sex do.

I didn't have to be prescriptive, he just does it.

I am glad he is like this but I am not 'grateful' - he's just being a kind human being.

So sorry to hear about this. My exh was exactly the same (hence him now being my ex). He told any of my family and friends when asked that I was fine when in reality I was in HDU following major life-threatening surgery.

Our beautiful DD1 had dreadful MH problems that began in her early teens. He said that she was "attention seeking" when in reality she was fighting for her sanity.
The total lack of nurturing for our lovely 3 DC was the final straw. I divorced him.
His parting comment leaving the house for the final time when asked for a forwarding address was "they're your children, you know that I never wanted them" He's been NC for the 12 years since the divorce.

Thank you for sharing your experiences.
I don’t think he means to be hurtful, he is self absorbed. And he doesn’t necessarily want/expect ‘looking after’ eg when he is ill, so doesn’t think to be that way with others.

I just used to not notice/mind and now I really do.

It's not a man thing. It's a selfish person thing.
I am married to a very thoughtful, nurturing person (this time)
I feel for you op. Must be hard.

It is hurtful though isn't it? He's an adult choosing not to engage fully with your relationship or your lives together or your family. He thinks the bare minimum is enough.

In so far as women are often conditioned to be more accommodating to men and that some men will take advantage of that, it is related to sexism

And he doesn’t necessarily want/expect ‘looking after’ eg when he is ill, so doesn’t think to be that way with others.

Sorry but this is a cop out. You have no idea what he would need because let's face it, you wouldn't leave the DC with him and go nap after he has an operation. Or ignore your DC just before you go away for a week. He seems more self-sufficient, but only because you never do to him what he does to you.

Just because he doesn't mean to be hurtful doesn't make it OK and either a) your problem to get over or b) your job to manage his behaviour by telling him what to do.

I went through this with my husband. Everything was fine so long as I was fine. If, for whatever reason, I wasn't, then I realised that he couldn't step up to the mark. I used to worry about how we'd cope if I ever I was really ill. I ultimately split up with him. The worst thing is that he now has a new girlfriend and has suddenly managed to pull out of his arse a heap of time and consideration for her - seemingly going above and beyond to meet her needs. It hurts me greatly. He clearly is able to be supportive when he wants to be (how long for though? who knows). He just couldn't for me.

I'm with pp who say this is not a man thing but a selfish person thing.

My dh is very nurturing. Probably more so than me in our relationship because I have to be nurturing at work so can be pretty done in by the time I get home.

I don't know if I could be with someone who I had to give instruction to, but that's just me. Hope you find a way that makes you happy op, everyone deserves to be nurtured.

This is exactly the reason why women become disillusioned with marriage.
Marriage is supposed to be a partnership.
You are in it together. To offer eachother friendship, support, care when ill abit of affection, consideration. There is nothing more deeply unattractive than a selfish to the bone man. It's boring, insulting and it's damaging to your health and happiness.