Apologies if this looks similar to another post, I’ve ended up with two accounts but I think something went wrong with the other one and I’m not sure if my post appeared or not.
So, I have just joined to try and get some support and sound advice. I’m in my late thirties, have 2 kids (age 6 and 13) and been married for 8 years. My son is not his, but he was only a baby when we met. He was brilliant with my son from day one.
When I first met my husband he had been single for a while and was sleeping around with different . When he met me he declared his absolute love for me and we seemed inseparable and madly in love. He mentioned marriage after only 4 months and babies after only 6 month. He was perfect for a full year, but then he started to go out and not come home until 2am and wouldn’t answer his phone until he was on his way home in a taxi. He did ALWAYS come home though. I suspected he was chatting/getting too friendly with girls on these nights out. I never mentioned this to him, and I tried to work on my own paranoia and jealous feelings. We married after being together 3 years, and after 6 months of being married I discovered that before we got married he was texting and sexting with a girl he had met on a night out. He stopped this before we got married and wasn’t in contact with her, but on me discovering this I was broken and so hurt. He was very very remorseful and begged me to forgive him and give him another chance. I did so, and our relationship actually became better until eventually I stopped thinking about it so much and over time I got over it and became to trust him and was very happy.
We have a good sex life. He is a brilliant dad and adores our children. We have lots of ‘date nights’ and we have plenty of family holidays, weekends away. He rarely goes out with his friends and when he does, he stays in touch and comes home at a decent time, usually with a bottle of wine for me or a takeaway. We generally have a very nice life. We both work hard and we have a lot of love in our family.. but now I’m questionning everything, and I’m literally questionning – is my whole life a lie? Or am I being overly dramatic? Read on.
So, for a few months I’ve noticed a change in him. To the point where I’ve asked him why he is so miserable all the time? He’s a man of few words anyway, but he’s been worse recently. Anyway, I started to feel suspicious – he bought some new designer boxershorts and wore them for work, he kept his phone with him, even when he went in the shower room. I asked and asked, but all he said was nothing is up, I was being paranoid. He was starting to get angry with me for being suspicious – but I just KNEW. Then he talked in his sleep and I knew something wasn’t right. So I logged into his whatsapp and he had been messaging a girl at work. These messages were intimate and prove sexual attraction, lust, and at least an emotional affair. I don’t know whether they have been physical, but I suspect they have been sexting at the very least. When I was able to confront him with solid evidence he admitted it. He admitted it had been going on for about 3 months. He said it was just texting and flirting and that he still loves me. He told her that I had found out and he called it off with her. We both blocked her on all social media and in our phones, but I’m not silly, I know that if they want to be in touch, they will find a way. I just have to trust him in this moment that it is genuinely over between them.
We spent days and nights talking things through. He told me he has been unhappy with a few things – and once he told me these things I did accept that I have been unreasonable in a number of ways. No excuse for cheating, but I saw that I had been taking him for granted in a few ways, and I had made a couple of important decisions without consulting him. I put other family members before him a number of times, even though I knew deep down that he wouldn’t be happy with the decisions I made. It was selfish of me. He isn’t saying it’s my fault for him straying, but he has said that these things have made him feel generally unhappy, but because of how I am and how he hurt me in the past he was unable to talk to me.
Once again he says he still loves me and our life. He says he was not thinking of leaving me. He hopes I can get through this, but he is worried that because it is the second time, I will not be able to. He is remorseful and I am also sorry for the things that I have done in the past to make him unhappy, (however he knows I would NEVER cheat).
I am so up and down, I just don’t know what to do. She is at his work, but it is a very big place and she works part time. They don’t work on the same department but it’s still hard for me to think of them bumping into each other.
I’d love some support on how I might get through this with my husband. I can’t imagine a future without him, but I DO NOT want to be in this position again in say 7-8 years time.
Thank you.