Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

ADVICE PLEASE-FRIEND HAVING AN AFFAIR

23 replies

noonar · 14/06/2007 20:24

i've recently rekindled a friendship with someone with whom i lost touch with, a couple of years ago. we've not yet developed a close frienship, but we've both said how pleased we are to be back in touch. we have daughters at the same school, and they are friends. dh and i went out for dinner with her and her dp a few weeks ago.

i have recently found out that this friend is having an affair with the soon- to-be ex- husband of her 'best friend'. she has become the subject of playground gossip, and it would seem that her poor dp is the last to know.

i just dont know how to handle the situation. i havent had a proper conversation with her since becomoing aware of the gossip. i feel so sorry for her poor dp, and sad for her 2 children. i really wanted to be friends with her, but continuing a friendship would surely condone what she is doing.

has anyone got any advice about what i should say to my friend, as we a due to meet up soon.

tia

OP posts:

Original poster

noonar · 14/06/2007 20:25

sorry, too many 'withs'

OP posts:

Original poster

noonar · 14/06/2007 20:32

bump

OP posts:

Rubyslippers · 14/06/2007 20:34

do you know it is 110% true or is it playground gossip?

ChipButty · 14/06/2007 20:34

Are you sure this isn't just idle gossip?

JetPeanut · 14/06/2007 20:34

Always think best to leave well alone. What are you thinking of doing then?

JeremyVile · 14/06/2007 20:37

Not much you can say.
She's made a choice, right or wrong, its not for anyone else to try and make her see the light.
As for the gossip, well she'll just have to deal with that herself. Its her own mess.

doggiesayswoof · 14/06/2007 20:37

FWIW I don't agree that you'd be 'condoning' her behaviour by continuing to see her. You'd just not be judging her.

Are you sure of your information? Could it just be gossip?

In your position, I'd feel sorry for her partner and children too but I don't see what you can do about it. These situations are never simple and you've not heard her side, only the whispers.

My advice would be to say nothing to her until you know officially. She might tell you herself soon enough.

littlelapin · 14/06/2007 20:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

noonar · 14/06/2007 20:39

ok, it's widespread gossip, mainly started by the wife of the guy she's supposed to be seeing. she has been ranting about it to the pta. dh is a member. she has another man, and has started divorce proceedings. (not related to this affair)

i have seen them together a few times walking to school, but they always ignore each other once they reach the school gates. i have a hunch hat its true, tbh.

it's hard to keep out of it totally. should i simply not mention the huge amount of gossip that she is the subject of?

OP posts:

Original poster

noonar · 14/06/2007 20:40

sorry, x post. thanks for the advice.

OP posts:

Original poster

noonar · 14/06/2007 20:43

i've also started to feel a little cynical about why she has decided she wants to get back in touch. if the rumours are true, and she plans to move in with her new man, she'll be our new neighbour

OP posts:

SueBaroo · 14/06/2007 20:46

noonar, is it that cynical to be worried about some fallout coming and think you might need a friend? All you've got to go on is rumour, and am I right in reading that his wife has another bloke and has started divorce proceedings anyway?
I don't think you've got nearly the full picture, so it just comes down to whether or not you want to be friends with her or not.

warthog · 14/06/2007 21:45

ahahh so there may be an ulterior motive.

even so, this is still all hearsay, but i'd go into this friendship with your eyes wide open. i wouldn't worry about the gossip, because that's just what it is. unsubstantiated. but i would probably be a bit guarded.

maximummummy · 14/06/2007 23:05

sounds pretty simple to me
if you like her & enjoy being with her then be her friend i'm sure she could do with someone to talk to right now it can't be easy for her at the moment can it?
and yeah i'd feel sorry for her dh & kids too but these things happen & if they'd been truely happy she wouldn't be having an affair in the first place

hurtwife · 15/06/2007 08:41

I hate that - if they were truely happy she would not be having an affair anyway.

I have just been the wronged wife in an affair and i am sure that is how most people justify it to themselves. Which maked me so cross.

I try not to be too judgemental of people and would always support friends in their choices but not at the expense of someone elses happiness.

You do not need to 'interfere' just tell her that if the rumours are true how you feel.
You are allowed to feel sorry for people you dont know well too.

I have thought long and hard about this and what i would do and what i would want others to do if i found myself in this situation.

Its like a lot of things in life that are wrong should we just ignore it as it is not our problem or try and do something about it. In this case she should tell her friend that she thinks she should end her current relationshep first which we all know is the decent thing to do.

I once saw a father really lay into a child in the playground - we all knew it was out of order but most people just ignored it saying it was not their problem. I am sorry i just could not do that so i reported it to the headmaster - he was aware of the situation and was able to get social services involved as someone had reported it.

Sorry if this is a rant but i think too often we think it is not our bussiness when we can clearly see someone is being hurt.

mumblechum · 15/06/2007 09:35

8 years ago, a (then) very new friend told me she'd been having an affair for 2 years.

I kept my mouth shut all those years, tho' I did feel very sorry for her dh, but I wouldn't want to do anything to bring about an end to the marriage and what that would mean to the kids.

anyway, she finally confessed, he accepted it, she carried on seeing the o.m after she told her dh it was over, and it's only in the last couple fo months that the relat'ship is over.

Her dh has even now accepted her affair, they seem on the surface to be happy and I presume the kids are oblivious to the whole theing.

Therefore, I wouldn't say anything. No one knows the inside story, and it's quite poss. her dh already knows and has his own reasons for not acting.

unfaithfull · 15/06/2007 23:52

yeah it's a shitty way to behave but sometimes people just cannot help themselves it's really none of your buisiness is it ?

if she tells you about the affair or asks for your advice then tell her how you feel if she doesn't and you feel morally you cant be friends then don't be

UnquietDad · 15/06/2007 23:55

"these things happen & if they'd been truely happy she wouldn't be having an affair in the first place"

Wonder how many people would say that on here if the adulterous friend had been a man?

My advice: don't get involved in anyone else's mess.

sparklygothkat · 16/06/2007 00:14

agree UD.

purpleduck · 16/06/2007 00:21

You don't know whats going on in their marriage...I have a friend who used to have affairs, and ran off with a man.They have been together for nearly 10 years and are very happy. She isn't proud of her behaviour, but she was very unhappy and very immature. Good luck

madamez · 16/06/2007 01:38

How about minding your own business till you're actually asked to get involved unless you see something like what another poster mentioned - a physicial assault in a public place? It might just be gossip. It might be that the person in question and partner have an agreed open relationship. Revive your friendship, sure, but don't bothre about playground gossip unless and until you have to.

SofiaAmes · 16/06/2007 02:42

I'd keep her away from your husband...;) but seriously, if it's something you are uncomfortable with (and that's perfectly reasonable to feel that way), then I would tell her, kindly, that that's what people are saying about her and give her a chance to refute it. If in fact it is true, and you are not comfortable with it, then tell her so, nicely and move on. There was probably a reason why you lost touch in the first place.

SittingBull · 16/06/2007 04:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Flip