Splitting up with long term partner - contact with family and friends?

[LanguidLobster]

I can't sleep and was up thinking about this, can't be bothered to NC.

When I left Ex it was very clear from my side, none of my family or friends had the remotest bit of interest in him, they only loved me. I wrote a thank you letter to his parents and took his sibling's numbers off of my phone (they were nice but no point in contact). The only thing I was hesitant about was his best friend who I'd accidentally got close to. A few years after the split I asked Ex in 2014 (we've never seen each other since, by email) if it would be OK to keep in contact with his best friend. He said 'as long as you don't tell him what a bastard I am' which completely put me off as the whole point was I just wanted to see how he was. Not to carp and bitch.

Last week I wanted a copy of a painting Ex's best friend did of me and couldn't find it on google images. I sat there drumming my fingers thinking then decided it wouldn't hurt to drop him a line. I had a really lovely enthusiastic, affectionate response with copy of painting which embarrassed me so after a bit of thought I replied saying all the things I remembered about him. I don't think it's ethical to keep in contact with him now but hope he knows how fond I was of him and my response was meant to draw a line.

It really made me remember meeting a woman in 2013 who was telling me after she left her partner of 24 years (emotional abuse) their friends took his side, which really hurt her. I had a lot of time for her as she was lovely so listened quite intently. And she's doing well although he hurt her badly.

Bit long winded...wondered what other's experiences were like after long term relationship split?

You seem to be asking 1 question in disguise of 2! Yes, date your ex's friend. Why not. People will take sides. Ignore them. It's only your opinion that matters. Your ex is history.

Oh, adamantly not, he's gay! That wasn't what I was asking at all. Felt a bit guilty for being in contact with him last week as he's Ex's best friend.

I was interested in people's experiences after split from a long term relationship about separating friends and family.

I think a lot depends on the breakup. I lost all our mutual friends during my separation as our friends were unable to recognise or understand (chose to turn a blind eye) the financial abuse I was going through. They saw him for the nice guy and couldn't understand why I was having a nervous breakdown. I was pregnant when we broke up and he started seeing someone else while I was waiting on test results for a miscarriage. I've no regrets over losing those friends because true friends don't let you down when you need help.

I got custody of one of exDH's friends. We're still friends 15 years later and he barely sees ex. I see no loyalty issue. Ex has plenty of friends! Oh and his BFF is married to mine so we share them!

I'm still close to my ex's youngest sister - at the time she said "You divorced him, not me" and blithely continued contacting me. None of our friends stayed in contact - he was "the good guy" so I was automatically "the bad woman". None of it mattered in the end - we both moved on, I've got a new DH and he has a nice partner.

See his friend if you like - nothing wrong with that.

Part of the problem in my marriage was that I put H's needs over mine so most of our social group were his friends and their partners. We were together 20 years plus so I got to know them pretty well. In-laws treated me better than my own parents (now dead).

There's a mix of reactions. One couple (who live further away but we visited lots, holidays togerher) didn't contact me when H left for ages - then got one phone call - I think they genuinely did not know what to say and as I say, the couple's were mainly H school friends plus their DP who may have came along later, IYSWIM?

Others have gone out their way to maintain a friendship with me. But its hard. H lied to all of us - denied where he was and OW, yet they are still bezzy mates with him. Even one person who was cheated on themself and knows how devastating it is. H was also a bit of a dick about money and how he treated our (young adult) DC after he left initially which upset me if I'm honest- that they thought he was still this great guy. And I know OW will eventually be welcomed into the group as they "Love us both" (as in me and H). I know I can't make them drop him/not meet OW but it does hurt.

I've maintained contact with FIL (MIL died ) but it feels a little forced now - I can't just pop in incase H is there and it's the elephant in the room.

On the plus, ive made huge efforts to strengthen the bonds with my "own" friends who I had somewhat neglected and they have been massively supportive.